Dad's third wedding. Do I go?

[Anonymous]

My dad just told me that he is getting married for the third time next month. He and I have a difficult relationship and have just reestablished contact after one of multiple periods without contact. Although we have friendly chats and he recently came to visit, we have not had any deep conversations about our last period of no contact, so it is all still very tentative.

I have not initiated any conversations because when I have tried in the past to explain my perspective, he will say either that he doesn't remember key events or they did not happen as I recalled. There has never been space for my voice and honestly it has made me feel horrible. I don't see any signs to expect something different this time, but it means that core issues in our relationship remain unresolved. It's like walking on eggshells.

Our past has been punctured by these periods of no contact that all seem to relate to his relationships. The first time, when he was mad I would not testify against my mom during their divorce, the second when his girlfriend made up a lie about my then-fiance/now-husband which he believed and which generated deep distrust for my now-husband, the third on the cusp of a visit to him where he yelled at me over the phone about being nice to his partner. It's all much messier than this of course, but I want to give at least a little background that essentially my relationship with my father always feels like it has a totally unnecessary tie to his relationships, something that I really do not like.

Now he is marrying again. I have met her several times, but have not wanted to get too close, given past experiences. But recently (and on my birthday no less), my dad called me crying about how they are constantly fighting, so I'm not sure it's a super stable situation.

My brother has been no contact with my dad for 10 years and my dad is also no contact with my mom, his second wife, and at any given point at least 1-2 of his siblings. So there is a wider pattern here (sorry if I seem defensive, but I know how some DCUM threads can go!).

It all seems like so much drama. I hate the idea of going and pretending any of this makes sense or that we are a big happy family. It will make me absolutely crazy. But I know if I do not go, it will be a huge deal and my dad will never get over it and it will permanently close the door to a real reconciliation, which I guess I am still hopeful for...

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Just go to his wedding, smile, and move on.

[Anonymous]

There will never be any real reconciliation. So if that's your reason for going, I wouldn't. There is also no real reason not to go and be a part of it for a few hours. Seems like it's going to be a bigger deal if you don't go.

[Anonymous]

Just go, without expectations or emotional investment.

[Anonymous]

Ugh what a mess. I would probably suck it up and go, but whatever you decide is fair. I defintiely wouldn't take on extensive travel, expenses, or inconvenience for this wedding (expensive flights, pulling kids from school to go with you or having to miss things if you go alone, etc.). I'd go if it was local or within easy druving distance.

[Anonymous]

I understand that your dad is difficult and your relationship with him is frustrating.

But you can go without this: "It all seems like so much drama. I hate the idea of going and pretending any of this makes sense or that we are a big happy family."

You don't have to address, solve, or discuss the actual issues. In fact, you shouldn't. There doesn't need to be any drama. You can say to yourself, "hey, it's his wedding day, it's a happy day, the purpose of this day is to celebrate with him, so that's what I'm going to do." Shrug. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that. Nor is that "pretending." It's a third wedding - no one in attendance is going to be thinking "wow, what a stable, no drama individual!" And smiling and being happy for someone at their wedding doesn't imply that they are a wonderful person and your relationship is great. If someone says "oh, you're his daughter? Are you two close?" you can absolutely say "eh, it varies. He can be tough to get along with. But I'm very happy for him and Larla" and change the subject. No drama, no pretending.

In a broader sense, it feels like you still haven't found a good equilibrium. In particular, my strong suspicion is that you haven't reached a place of acceptance about who he is and how he behaves ("still haven't had deep conversations about our last period of no contact" often equals "if he just listens to me and internalizes my perspective, he'll behave differently" which equals "maybe if I say just the right thing he'll become someone else who sucks less" and that NEVER works out). I think it's worth it to spend a little time with a therapist to try and sort through this knot a bit and figure out the best way to establish some good boundaries that might let you have some kind of relationship in a way that's more manageable for you. Or, perhaps you'll realize it's not possible and end up cutting him off for good. But but you haven't done that at this point.

He's your dad, and your current relationship includes friendly conversation and a recent visit. You should go. It's his wedding day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh what a mess. I would probably suck it up and go, but whatever you decide is fair. I defintiely wouldn't take on extensive travel, expenses, or inconvenience for this wedding (expensive flights, pulling kids from school to go with you or having to miss things if you go alone, etc.). I'd go if it was local or within easy druving distance.

+1. And the multiple estrangements is telling. My mom is estranged from multiple family members so I know how difficult those kinds of parents are. He's lucky you talk to him at all, and you would be justified in not attending this wedding. But if it's local, I would go and leave as soon as they cut the cake.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand that your dad is difficult and your relationship with him is frustrating.

But you can go without this: "It all seems like so much drama. I hate the idea of going and pretending any of this makes sense or that we are a big happy family."

You don't have to address, solve, or discuss the actual issues. In fact, you shouldn't. There doesn't need to be any drama. You can say to yourself, "hey, it's his wedding day, it's a happy day, the purpose of this day is to celebrate with him, so that's what I'm going to do." Shrug. It doesn't have to be more complicated than that. Nor is that "pretending." It's a third wedding - no one in attendance is going to be thinking "wow, what a stable, no drama individual!" And smiling and being happy for someone at their wedding doesn't imply that they are a wonderful person and your relationship is great. If someone says "oh, you're his daughter? Are you two close?" you can absolutely say "eh, it varies. He can be tough to get along with. But I'm very happy for him and Larla" and change the subject. No drama, no pretending.

In a broader sense, it feels like you still haven't found a good equilibrium. In particular, my strong suspicion is that you haven't reached a place of acceptance about who he is and how he behaves ("still haven't had deep conversations about our last period of no contact" often equals "if he just listens to me and internalizes my perspective, he'll behave differently" which equals "maybe if I say just the right thing he'll become someone else who sucks less" and that NEVER works out). I think it's worth it to spend a little time with a therapist to try and sort through this knot a bit and figure out the best way to establish some good boundaries that might let you have some kind of relationship in a way that's more manageable for you. Or, perhaps you'll realize it's not possible and end up cutting him off for good. But but you haven't done that at this point.

He's your dad, and your current relationship includes friendly conversation and a recent visit. You should go. It's his wedding day.

Wow, this is really good advice.

[Anonymous]

Ask if you'll be in the will or whether he's leaving it all to wife three. Then the ball is in his court.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go to his wedding, smile, and move on.

This. You’re going as a guest. This won’t resolve any of the issues. And I hope it will be relatively painless. It’s making a nice, pleasant gesture in the hopes of avoiding more drama and maybe having a nice-ish day.

[Anonymous]

I would not attend the wedding.
Wish him well & move on.

What does your husband think?

[Anonymous]

Third wedding this month?! I would not go. One a month is in itself is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just go to his wedding, smile, and move on.

This. You’re going as a guest. This won’t resolve any of the issues. And I hope it will be relatively painless. It’s making a nice, pleasant gesture in the hopes of avoiding more drama and maybe having a nice-ish day.

This. It seems like by far the easiest option.

Hope his new wife takes care of him and keeps him out of your hair at least for a while.

[Anonymous]

Do you go? It needn't be an anything more than - can you go? If you have few hours, go. Doesn't need to be a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would not attend the wedding.
Wish him well & move on.

What does your husband think?

What the hell kind of advice is this? Ridiculous.