Dad's third wedding. Do I go?

[Anonymous]

Go, make it light, keep it light.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:My dad just told me that he is getting married for the third time next month. He and I have a difficult relationship and have just reestablished contact after one of multiple periods without contact. Although we have friendly chats and he recently came to visit, we have not had any deep conversations about our last period of no contact, so it is all still very tentative.

I have not initiated any conversations because when I have tried in the past to explain my perspective, he will say either that he doesn't remember key events or they did not happen as I recalled. There has never been space for my voice and honestly it has made me feel horrible. I don't see any signs to expect something different this time, but it means that core issues in our relationship remain unresolved. It's like walking on eggshells.

Our past has been punctured by these periods of no contact that all seem to relate to his relationships. The first time, when he was mad I would not testify against my mom during their divorce, the second when his girlfriend made up a lie about my then-fiance/now-husband which he believed and which generated deep distrust for my now-husband, the third on the cusp of a visit to him where he yelled at me over the phone about being nice to his partner. It's all much messier than this of course, but I want to give at least a little background that essentially my relationship with my father always feels like it has a totally unnecessary tie to his relationships, something that I really do not like.

Now he is marrying again. I have met her several times, but have not wanted to get too close, given past experiences. But recently (and on my birthday no less), my dad called me crying about how they are constantly fighting, so I'm not sure it's a super stable situation.

My brother has been no contact with my dad for 10 years and my dad is also no contact with my mom, his second wife, and at any given point at least 1-2 of his siblings. So there is a wider pattern here (sorry if I seem defensive, but I know how some DCUM threads can go!).

It all seems like so much drama. I hate the idea of going and pretending any of this makes sense or that we are a big happy family. It will make me absolutely crazy. But I know if I do not go, it will be a huge deal and my dad will never get over it and it will permanently close the door to a real reconciliation, which I guess I am still hopeful for...

Any advice?

Are you Gen Z?

No, I'm a millennial.

Do you have a good therapist? Someone who challenges you rather than just validates?

Because it's statements like this that give me pause: "when I have tried in the past to explain my perspective, he will say either that he doesn't remember key events or they did not happen as I recalled. There has never been space for my voice and honestly it has made me feel horrible."

I have a hunch he's tried to share is version of events and you have rejected them because they don't just reflexively validate your feelings, without ever considering that maybe you're wrong or that your feelings aren't valid. And then you continue to blame him for awkwardness in your relationship, simply because your attempt to "clear the air" didn't play out according to script in your head. And so he walks on eggshells around YOU.

I'm not saying he's perfect -- obviously he sucks at intimate relationships. But you really seem to have cast yourself as the victim here, which is a somewhat familiar phenomenon with Gen Z and some millennials.

In any case, I'd err on the side of going. Why would you not? To make a point? To be hurtful? What would be the point of that or the value in that? You can't unring that bell.

A “good therapist “ might note that your “hunch” is an odd one that seems to push your own projections about the dad and his “version of events” and your own stereotypes about generations. Why?

Try to keep up, darling. This isn’t about me. It’s about OP. And OP sounds like she has quite the chip on her shoulder. And she wouldn’t be the first GenZ or Millennial to be hoodwinked into thinking she is some kind of victim by a shitty therapist trying to just get paid.

Maybe the dad is a shit — a third marriage is a notch in that column. But it’s equally possible that OP has developed a narrative that may not actually reflect reality. Her framing of the situation suggests that is a strong possibility. And your reflexive endorsement of that suggests you would be the sort to enable that, which only suppresses self-reflection and sustains conflict rather than healing (which, incidentally, is better for a therapist’s income. Not that you a therapist. But it sounds like you might have bought into the narrative yourself).

New to this thread, OP, my advice is please ignore the above poster, she’s simply clueless and likely a toxic parent herself whose family cut her off, she posts crap like that very often here and NO ONE ever agrees with her but she’s so relentless in spreading lies.