Dad's third wedding. Do I go?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't go.

[Anonymous]

Don’t go! If not going means he will throw a fit and cut you off again then the reality is there is no relationship anyway! Don’t make yourself crazy (your words) or uncomfortable trying to preserve something that doesn’t exist.

You keep trying because you haven’t let go of hoping to have the father you deserved or needed. This man will never be this. He will only let you down again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not attend the wedding.
Wish him well & move on.

What does your husband think?

What the hell kind of advice is this? Ridiculous.

Am I not allowed to have a different opinion?

I asked about her husband bc her dad apparently crossed some line w him ..

“the second when his girlfriend made up a lie about my then-fiance/now-husband which he believed and which generated deep distrust for my now-husband”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not attend the wedding.
Wish him well & move on.

What does your husband think?

What the hell kind of advice is this? Ridiculous.

Am I not allowed to have a different opinion?

I asked about her husband bc her dad apparently crossed some line w him ..

“the second when his girlfriend made up a lie about my then-fiance/now-husband which he believed and which generated deep distrust for my now-husband”

GF^

[Anonymous]

It's a couple of hours. You won't be the center of attention. Go, eat a free meal, do an Irish exit, and be done with it. Don't add to the drama. GTFU.

[Anonymous]

You are never going to resolve any of this with him. He will never love you the way you want him to. He will always be high drama.

Knowing all this, decide if you want to go. FWIW, I did attend my similar dad’s second wedding (it was her fourth). Shockingly, they are drama, drama, drama. I don’t care. I see him a handful of times a year usually for a holiday meal. It is fine. I expect nothing and give very little.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are never going to resolve any of this with him. He will never love you the way you want him to. He will always be high drama.

Knowing all this, decide if you want to go. FWIW, I did attend my similar dad’s second wedding (it was her fourth). Shockingly, they are drama, drama, drama. I don’t care. I see him a handful of times a year usually for a holiday meal. It is fine. I expect nothing and give very little.

Oh, he also spent his wedding speech raving about his three new stepdaughters (whom I guess are perfectly nice, but sort of failure to launch and he has to do crap like get one of them in rehab multiple times). And forgot to mention his three actual daughters (who objectively have their shit together and have never had any significant issues). I found it hilarious. My middle sister was pissed.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your advice, really. It's incredibly helpful, including the very on point poster who suggested I needed some help to work through my approach to this relationship. You are right and me tearing up reading your post underscored that!

I should have added that the wedding is a three hour flight away. My dad would like us to stay with him, but I would not want that. If we go, we need to have our own space. So we would need to get flights and a hotel and car (no local mass transport and we have a wheelchair user in our family, so can't easily have someone pick us up in a regular car). It is possible I go solo and leave the family at home, but still entails flight and hotel and possibly car.

My other hang up is that my dad is someone who is always testing boundaries. So I worry it won't be enough for us to show up, he'll then have to push further, ie telling my kids to call his wife grandma or insisting I be a bridesmaid or something equally ridiculous. So even if I go in with the intention of smiling, celebrating, moving on, I will be on guard for him to push for more. But perhaps this just reinforces the need to spend a bit of time in therapy on all of this.

Thank you again for all the thoughts and welcome further!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, just go. It's just a party for an old, very confused guy.

If bored, objectively try to figure out how to get GF3/new wife to say great things about your DH.

Maybe you can induce some kind of reflection on your father's part if the script gets flipped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad just told me that he is getting married for the third time next month. He and I have a difficult relationship and have just reestablished contact after one of multiple periods without contact. Although we have friendly chats and he recently came to visit, we have not had any deep conversations about our last period of no contact, so it is all still very tentative.

I have not initiated any conversations because when I have tried in the past to explain my perspective, he will say either that he doesn't remember key events or they did not happen as I recalled. There has never been space for my voice and honestly it has made me feel horrible. I don't see any signs to expect something different this time, but it means that core issues in our relationship remain unresolved. It's like walking on eggshells.

Our past has been punctured by these periods of no contact that all seem to relate to his relationships. The first time, when he was mad I would not testify against my mom during their divorce, the second when his girlfriend made up a lie about my then-fiance/now-husband which he believed and which generated deep distrust for my now-husband, the third on the cusp of a visit to him where he yelled at me over the phone about being nice to his partner. It's all much messier than this of course, but I want to give at least a little background that essentially my relationship with my father always feels like it has a totally unnecessary tie to his relationships, something that I really do not like.

Now he is marrying again. I have met her several times, but have not wanted to get too close, given past experiences. But recently (and on my birthday no less), my dad called me crying about how they are constantly fighting, so I'm not sure it's a super stable situation.

My brother has been no contact with my dad for 10 years and my dad is also no contact with my mom, his second wife, and at any given point at least 1-2 of his siblings. So there is a wider pattern here (sorry if I seem defensive, but I know how some DCUM threads can go!).

It all seems like so much drama. I hate the idea of going and pretending any of this makes sense or that we are a big happy family. It will make me absolutely crazy. But I know if I do not go, it will be a huge deal and my dad will never get over it and it will permanently close the door to a real reconciliation, which I guess I am still hopeful for...

Any advice?

Are you Gen Z?

[Anonymous]

I'd go but leave everyone else at home. No way would I deal with hassle and expense of traveling with all those people including wheelchair user when you don't even really want to go.

[Anonymous]

OP, go by yourself. And get your own hotel.

Treat the time not at the wedding as calm down time/relaxation time. Just a break. Then you will be fortified for b.s. at the event. You will be calmer if yoy don't have to manage your own kids, wheelchair logistics, your spouse rolling eyes, etc.

[Anonymous]

No, given the history, I would not attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not attend the wedding.
Wish him well & move on.

What does your husband think?

What the hell kind of advice is this? Ridiculous.

Am I not allowed to have a different opinion?

I asked about her husband bc her dad apparently crossed some line w him ..

“the second when his girlfriend made up a lie about my then-fiance/now-husband which he believed and which generated deep distrust for my now-husband”

My husband is open to going if I decide to go. He's not looking forward to it, but can compartmentalize and just grin through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad just told me that he is getting married for the third time next month. He and I have a difficult relationship and have just reestablished contact after one of multiple periods without contact. Although we have friendly chats and he recently came to visit, we have not had any deep conversations about our last period of no contact, so it is all still very tentative.

I have not initiated any conversations because when I have tried in the past to explain my perspective, he will say either that he doesn't remember key events or they did not happen as I recalled. There has never been space for my voice and honestly it has made me feel horrible. I don't see any signs to expect something different this time, but it means that core issues in our relationship remain unresolved. It's like walking on eggshells.

Our past has been punctured by these periods of no contact that all seem to relate to his relationships. The first time, when he was mad I would not testify against my mom during their divorce, the second when his girlfriend made up a lie about my then-fiance/now-husband which he believed and which generated deep distrust for my now-husband, the third on the cusp of a visit to him where he yelled at me over the phone about being nice to his partner. It's all much messier than this of course, but I want to give at least a little background that essentially my relationship with my father always feels like it has a totally unnecessary tie to his relationships, something that I really do not like.

Now he is marrying again. I have met her several times, but have not wanted to get too close, given past experiences. But recently (and on my birthday no less), my dad called me crying about how they are constantly fighting, so I'm not sure it's a super stable situation.

My brother has been no contact with my dad for 10 years and my dad is also no contact with my mom, his second wife, and at any given point at least 1-2 of his siblings. So there is a wider pattern here (sorry if I seem defensive, but I know how some DCUM threads can go!).

It all seems like so much drama. I hate the idea of going and pretending any of this makes sense or that we are a big happy family. It will make me absolutely crazy. But I know if I do not go, it will be a huge deal and my dad will never get over it and it will permanently close the door to a real reconciliation, which I guess I am still hopeful for...

Any advice?

Are you Gen Z?

No, I'm a millennial.