Dad's third wedding. Do I go?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad just told me that he is getting married for the third time next month. He and I have a difficult relationship and have just reestablished contact after one of multiple periods without contact. Although we have friendly chats and he recently came to visit, we have not had any deep conversations about our last period of no contact, so it is all still very tentative.

I have not initiated any conversations because when I have tried in the past to explain my perspective, he will say either that he doesn't remember key events or they did not happen as I recalled. There has never been space for my voice and honestly it has made me feel horrible. I don't see any signs to expect something different this time, but it means that core issues in our relationship remain unresolved. It's like walking on eggshells.

Our past has been punctured by these periods of no contact that all seem to relate to his relationships. The first time, when he was mad I would not testify against my mom during their divorce, the second when his girlfriend made up a lie about my then-fiance/now-husband which he believed and which generated deep distrust for my now-husband, the third on the cusp of a visit to him where he yelled at me over the phone about being nice to his partner. It's all much messier than this of course, but I want to give at least a little background that essentially my relationship with my father always feels like it has a totally unnecessary tie to his relationships, something that I really do not like.

Now he is marrying again. I have met her several times, but have not wanted to get too close, given past experiences. But recently (and on my birthday no less), my dad called me crying about how they are constantly fighting, so I'm not sure it's a super stable situation.

My brother has been no contact with my dad for 10 years and my dad is also no contact with my mom, his second wife, and at any given point at least 1-2 of his siblings. So there is a wider pattern here (sorry if I seem defensive, but I know how some DCUM threads can go!).

It all seems like so much drama. I hate the idea of going and pretending any of this makes sense or that we are a big happy family. It will make me absolutely crazy. But I know if I do not go, it will be a huge deal and my dad will never get over it and it will permanently close the door to a real reconciliation, which I guess I am still hopeful for...

Any advice?

Are you Gen Z?

No, I'm a millennial.

Do you have a good therapist? Someone who challenges you rather than just validates?

Because it's statements like this that give me pause: "when I have tried in the past to explain my perspective, he will say either that he doesn't remember key events or they did not happen as I recalled. There has never been space for my voice and honestly it has made me feel horrible."

I have a hunch he's tried to share is version of events and you have rejected them because they don't just reflexively validate your feelings, without ever considering that maybe you're wrong or that your feelings aren't valid. And then you continue to blame him for awkwardness in your relationship, simply because your attempt to "clear the air" didn't play out according to script in your head. And so he walks on eggshells around YOU.

I'm not saying he's perfect -- obviously he sucks at intimate relationships. But you really seem to have cast yourself as the victim here, which is a somewhat familiar phenomenon with Gen Z and some millennials.

In any case, I'd err on the side of going. Why would you not? To make a point? To be hurtful? What would be the point of that or the value in that? You can't unring that bell.

[Anonymous]

So he re-established contact to play a big happy family for his 3rd wedding?

[Anonymous]

Op, I would not go. It’s too much to ask for given what you’ve shared. Spend the $$ and still constantly walk on egg shells and be on the watch? This relationship is always going to be difficult and not going is a part of the boundary I’d set. Great if it survives it, but also fine if it doesn’t. Yes, get a therapist so you’re not dealing with guilt or endless what-ifs.

[Anonymous]

In your place, I’d still go, probably alone — unless you feel you’d need support. As to your Dad’s drama and pushing boundaries— whatever you do will likely never be “enough”. I hope that understanding this — really understanding this — will allow you experience the freedom to make the decisions that are best for you. You don’t have to get pulled into that — if only because if nothing you do will be “enough,” then acting to suit yourself and your own needs will mean that at least one of you (Yes: YOU OP) will be reasonably happy. )

No need to pull kids into this, or anyone else, unless you anticipate truly needing adult support.

Wishing you well with this OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dad just told me that he is getting married for the third time next month. He and I have a difficult relationship and have just reestablished contact after one of multiple periods without contact. Although we have friendly chats and he recently came to visit, we have not had any deep conversations about our last period of no contact, so it is all still very tentative.

I have not initiated any conversations because when I have tried in the past to explain my perspective, he will say either that he doesn't remember key events or they did not happen as I recalled. There has never been space for my voice and honestly it has made me feel horrible. I don't see any signs to expect something different this time, but it means that core issues in our relationship remain unresolved. It's like walking on eggshells.

Our past has been punctured by these periods of no contact that all seem to relate to his relationships. The first time, when he was mad I would not testify against my mom during their divorce, the second when his girlfriend made up a lie about my then-fiance/now-husband which he believed and which generated deep distrust for my now-husband, the third on the cusp of a visit to him where he yelled at me over the phone about being nice to his partner. It's all much messier than this of course, but I want to give at least a little background that essentially my relationship with my father always feels like it has a totally unnecessary tie to his relationships, something that I really do not like.

Now he is marrying again. I have met her several times, but have not wanted to get too close, given past experiences. But recently (and on my birthday no less), my dad called me crying about how they are constantly fighting, so I'm not sure it's a super stable situation.

My brother has been no contact with my dad for 10 years and my dad is also no contact with my mom, his second wife, and at any given point at least 1-2 of his siblings. So there is a wider pattern here (sorry if I seem defensive, but I know how some DCUM threads can go!).

It all seems like so much drama. I hate the idea of going and pretending any of this makes sense or that we are a big happy family. It will make me absolutely crazy. But I know if I do not go, it will be a huge deal and my dad will never get over it and it will permanently close the door to a real reconciliation, which I guess I am still hopeful for...

Any advice?

Are you Gen Z?

No, I'm a millennial.

Do you have a good therapist? Someone who challenges you rather than just validates?

Because it's statements like this that give me pause: "when I have tried in the past to explain my perspective, he will say either that he doesn't remember key events or they did not happen as I recalled. There has never been space for my voice and honestly it has made me feel horrible."

I have a hunch he's tried to share is version of events and you have rejected them because they don't just reflexively validate your feelings, without ever considering that maybe you're wrong or that your feelings aren't valid. And then you continue to blame him for awkwardness in your relationship, simply because your attempt to "clear the air" didn't play out according to script in your head. And so he walks on eggshells around YOU.

I'm not saying he's perfect -- obviously he sucks at intimate relationships. But you really seem to have cast yourself as the victim here, which is a somewhat familiar phenomenon with Gen Z and some millennials.

In any case, I'd err on the side of going. Why would you not? To make a point? To be hurtful? What would be the point of that or the value in that? You can't unring that bell.

A “good therapist “ might note that your “hunch” is an odd one that seems to push your own projections about the dad and his “version of events” and your own stereotypes about generations. Why?

[Anonymous]

I'd go, also probably alone, and refuse delivery on any of his efforts to make me feel bad about anything. "Dad, let's not fight. Enjoy your day, huh?"

I'd cut out early for room service and TV. But then, my favorite part of weddings is usually hanging out with the family back at the hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just go to his wedding, smile, and move on.

Yes. You can do that without "pretending any of this makes sense or that we are a big happy family." No one who knows you or him will think it does. And it's unlikely to happen, if someone does ask, you don't have to lie. Just say something like, "Well, we have our differences, but I wanted to be here for him."

[Anonymous]

3 hour flight for a third wedding for someone you don’t get along with and he doesn’t get along with his latest wife either? Forget it and move on. You know he will!

[Anonymous]

If you want to keep the relationship with him intact, I’d go. Go by yourself, be polite, and keep things cordial. And the part about “pretending to be one happy family” made me laugh a little; no one at a wedding thinks that just because everyone showed up, the family is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, go by yourself. And get your own hotel.

Treat the time not at the wedding as calm down time/relaxation time. Just a break. Then you will be fortified for b.s. at the event. You will be calmer if yoy don't have to manage your own kids, wheelchair logistics, your spouse rolling eyes, etc.

This is what I would do. Get some alone time in a nice hotel room. Room service, maybe book a massage. A few hours at the wedding to make an appearance but not make it the whole weekend focus or a huge production bringing the whole family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your advice, really. It's incredibly helpful, including the very on point poster who suggested I needed some help to work through my approach to this relationship. You are right and me tearing up reading your post underscored that!

I should have added that the wedding is a three hour flight away. My dad would like us to stay with him, but I would not want that. If we go, we need to have our own space. So we would need to get flights and a hotel and car (no local mass transport and we have a wheelchair user in our family, so can't easily have someone pick us up in a regular car). It is possible I go solo and leave the family at home, but still entails flight and hotel and possibly car.

My other hang up is that my dad is someone who is always testing boundaries. So I worry it won't be enough for us to show up, he'll then have to push further, ie telling my kids to call his wife grandma or insisting I be a bridesmaid or something equally ridiculous. So even if I go in with the intention of smiling, celebrating, moving on, I will be on guard for him to push for more. But perhaps this just reinforces the need to spend a bit of time in therapy on all of this.

Thank you again for all the thoughts and welcome further!

I hate this about DCUM more than anything. Why the constant burying of the lead?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, go by yourself. And get your own hotel.

Treat the time not at the wedding as calm down time/relaxation time. Just a break. Then you will be fortified for b.s. at the event. You will be calmer if yoy don't have to manage your own kids, wheelchair logistics, your spouse rolling eyes, etc.

This is what I would do. Get some alone time in a nice hotel room. Room service, maybe book a massage. A few hours at the wedding to make an appearance but not make it the whole weekend focus or a huge production bringing the whole family.

Same. I have young kids and this wedding would be a an excuse for a weekend away at a nice hotel. I wouldn't stay long at the actual wedding. I would get a massage and eat well and enjoy my time off parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your advice, really. It's incredibly helpful, including the very on point poster who suggested I needed some help to work through my approach to this relationship. You are right and me tearing up reading your post underscored that!

I should have added that the wedding is a three hour flight away. My dad would like us to stay with him, but I would not want that. If we go, we need to have our own space. So we would need to get flights and a hotel and car (no local mass transport and we have a wheelchair user in our family, so can't easily have someone pick us up in a regular car). It is possible I go solo and leave the family at home, but still entails flight and hotel and possibly car.

My other hang up is that my dad is someone who is always testing boundaries. So I worry it won't be enough for us to show up, he'll then have to push further, ie telling my kids to call his wife grandma or insisting I be a bridesmaid or something equally ridiculous. So even if I go in with the intention of smiling, celebrating, moving on, I will be on guard for him to push for more. But perhaps this just reinforces the need to spend a bit of time in therapy on all of this.

Thank you again for all the thoughts and welcome further!

I hate this about DCUM more than anything. Why the constant burying of the lead?

It is really irritating.

[Anonymous]

We have very similar fathers, OP. I’m his only biological child, daughter of his second marriage of three, and he has a wake of cut off relationships including his mother, his sister, multiple cousins, and me. It was one of those cousins who helped me accept this is who he is. He is a selfish man who is capable of inflicting great damage and feels no sense of responsibility. He’s never going to change. He’s been doing this his whole life.

That said, I would go, but I wouldn’t bring my family unless they wanted to come and you’re confident they’ll be treated well. Why? Well, here is how things have ended up for my father. He has Alzheimer’s. His wife spent years facilitating his isolation (he said yes to that), and now he’s stuck away in a facility with no one to watch over him.

It’s sad, but I can say I never gave him a reason. I was always respectful and I always left the door open. I will always love him but I am free from guilt and resentment. At some point I will learn that he’s died alone. I know that it will hurt but I also know I have no control and therefore no responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, go by yourself. And get your own hotel.

Treat the time not at the wedding as calm down time/relaxation time. Just a break. Then you will be fortified for b.s. at the event. You will be calmer if yoy don't have to manage your own kids, wheelchair logistics, your spouse rolling eyes, etc.

OP here. Thank you for this. I really like this approach!