I need a safe place to vent.

[Anonymous]

Hoping someone here relates or at least understands.

I feel tremendous guilt and frustration. My parents are 90 and 94. Since 2020, I became their default go to person for everything as they were aging. They lived 45 minutes away in my childhood home and I had two kids of my own 9 and 11 at the time. My Dad then had a bad fall and it was nightmare for an additional two years. In 2024, I moved them into an assisted living facility. They did not make this easy.

My mental state suffered tremendously (maybe irrevocably) during this time and I’m slowly coming back to normal but am mostly numb and exhausted. Now I’m am dealing with selling their home. I had everything removed from the house and now construction is taking place to update the house.

My mom is a hoarder and is constantly expecting people to take items from the house that are 30+ years old. She can’t let go of anything. She is stressed about the sale of the home and I’m sure blames me for packing it up and selling it. She has expressed that she understands how much I’ve been put through and feels guilty but not guilty enough to not continually make this a horrible experience.

I’m tired, resentful, and frankly wish neither of them were here anymore. And I love my parents deeply.

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard!

You have my permission to lie to your mom about the stuff. Tell her you found a neighbor whose kid is starting their first apartment and needs it. She will be glad to think it is going to someone who will use it, and you can do whatever you need with it all.

[Anonymous]

100% do what the previous poster said. Lie lie lie. Whatever you need to do to make it easier on yourself. Remember your parents can’t think properly anymore it’s not their fault but it’s not your problem either. I’m so sorry. Please take care of yourself

[Anonymous]

Your parents raised a great child. You are doing the right thing caring for them. But it does sound like you need an extended break. Do you have siblings or even a spouse (I know that's trickier) who you can tap and say that they need to handle everything related to your parents for 2 months so you can get some downtime and perspective?

+1 to the white lies.

[Anonymous]

+1 to giving you permission to lie. A neighbor/friend/colleague's child who is looking to furnish a first apartment is a great cover.

You're doing a very hard thing. I wish you the best and hope you get a time of extended rest when this is all over.

[Anonymous]

Can you hire someone to empty the house (after you’ve take out everything you want to keep) and sell it? There are services that specialize in this. Perhaps they’d take their fee from the sale of the house?

Elder care is so hard.

[Anonymous]

Also giving you permission to tell all the white lies you need to tell. It's the kind thing to do, for all of you. Having been through this a few times and having commiserated with friends over their situations, getting rid of the "stuff" is never easy. They will even argue over disposing of obsolete electronics. Just say what you need to say and make them feel good so this can go a little smoother for all of you. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

Sorry op! It’s okay to give yourself bit of a break-tell them you’ve got a lot going on for the next month so will catch up with them briefly on Sunday evenings for the next 6 weeks.

[Anonymous]

You are making this harder than it needs to be. Sell the house as is, no construction and move on.

[Anonymous]

Abandon the expectation or hope that parents will ever adequately express gratitude or regret.

This is a lesson I learned in my 30s when I tried to have a heart-to-heart with my mother over her abusive behavior in my childhood. She was not capable of understanding my point of view. I understood that day that I had to grow up, be responsible for my happiness, and not expect anything from them going forward. So now they're elderly and need more help, and I do not expect any expressions of thanks or regrets for past actions. They too, like most seniors, are making it as difficult as possible for me to help them. They hoard; my father refuses to give me or my mother any of the details to the bank accounts, passwords, etc, that he controls (yet he has a very serious illness and came close to death last year); they refuse help in their apartment, despite not being up to cleaning it themselves.

Your mentality going forward is: Do only what you feel confident doing, knowing you will at best receive nothing in return, or at worst, virulent critiques of your every action and inaction. Your motivation has to come from within. You are not responsible for their psychological wellbeing, only for their relative physical safety, and that only as far as they allow. If you expect an inheritance, you can deal with their estate as you see fit, and as they allow. But beyond that... you don't need to shoulder that burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are making this harder than it needs to be. Sell the house as is, no construction and move on.

Not helpful.

[Anonymous]

True, but selling "As Is" should be seriously considered

[Anonymous]

I am not going thru half of what you’re going thru but feel the same way you do about my parent.
Honestly I think it’s selfish to live for so long even though they have little control over it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am not going thru half of what you’re going thru but feel the same way you do about my parent.
Honestly I think it’s selfish to live for so long even though they have little control over it

+100

[Anonymous]

OP were they able to cover the assisted living costs without the sale of the home? I'm glad you don't have financial burdens on top of this. Do you have a plan if they go into memory care?