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[quote=Anonymous]Abandon the expectation or hope that parents will ever adequately express gratitude or regret.

This is a lesson I learned in my 30s when I tried to have a heart-to-heart with my mother over her abusive behavior in my childhood. She was not capable of understanding my point of view. I understood that day that I had to grow up, be responsible for my happiness, and not expect anything from them going forward. So now they're elderly and need more help, and I do not expect any expressions of thanks or regrets for past actions. They too, like most seniors, are making it as difficult as possible for me to help them. They hoard; my father refuses to give me or my mother any of the details to the bank accounts, passwords, etc, that he controls (yet he has a very serious illness and came close to death last year); they refuse help in their apartment, despite not being up to cleaning it themselves.

Your mentality going forward is: Do only what you feel confident doing, knowing you will at best receive nothing in return, or at worst, virulent critiques of your every action and inaction. Your motivation has to come from within. You are not responsible for their psychological wellbeing, only for their relative physical safety, and that only as far as they allow. If you expect an inheritance, you can deal with their estate as you see fit, and as they allow. But beyond that... you don't need to shoulder that burden.

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