I need a safe place to vent.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. My hands are on your back lifting you up. You are a good person. I wish I knew you to give you a hug and a listening ear so you could vent. Take care of yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also giving you permission to tell all the white lies you need to tell. It's the kind thing to do, for all of you. Having been through this a few times and having commiserated with friends over their situations, getting rid of the "stuff" is never easy. They will even argue over disposing of obsolete electronics. Just say what you need to say and make them feel good so this can go a little smoother for all of you. Hugs.

+1, when we were cleaning out my grandmother's house my mother invented the "circle of blame". She blamed my aunt, my aunt blamed me and I blamed my mother anytime my grandmother wanted to know what had happened to some moth eaten piece of clothing or broken toaster. "Oh, I don't know, ask Sara/Mary/Amy". It helped us keep a sense of humor about junk that should have been tossed decades earlier.

[Anonymous]

Sell the house as it. You would at best break even on fixup costs but that's unlikely and values your time and stress at ZERO. Just sell it. Save yourself. 🌸

[Anonymous]

Dealing with hoarding clean-ups and with hoarders’ lack of perception about stuff is its own level of hell. On top of the fact that they are old and frail etc.

There are all sorts of challenges with hoarding — read up on it specifically. It messes with non-hoarding family members, big time.

Good luck and best wishes. You deserve time and space to rest and heal.

[Anonymous]

My friend and I were discussing the passing along of the items. “I was able to share it with someone who needed it/someone who collects those.” The person just happened to be someone at Goodwill. Best to you. It’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also giving you permission to tell all the white lies you need to tell. It's the kind thing to do, for all of you. Having been through this a few times and having commiserated with friends over their situations, getting rid of the "stuff" is never easy. They will even argue over disposing of obsolete electronics. Just say what you need to say and make them feel good so this can go a little smoother for all of you. Hugs.

+1, when we were cleaning out my grandmother's house my mother invented the "circle of blame". She blamed my aunt, my aunt blamed me and I blamed my mother anytime my grandmother wanted to know what had happened to some moth eaten piece of clothing or broken toaster. "Oh, I don't know, ask Sara/Mary/Amy". It helped us keep a sense of humor about junk that should have been tossed decades earlier.

The Circle of Blame- love that. You have to laugh a little during this process, or else you would cry.

I go through the closets and storage room at least twice a year and donate or toss things that we no longer need. I can see how things get out of control when nobody declutters for decades. I'm not even a shopper and I am shocked by what accumulates over the course of a year.

[Anonymous]

We collected a lot of contemporary Australian paintings during covid. Great prices and shipping not bad. Artists are known in Australia not here. Think Guy Warren, Idris Murphy, John Olsen, David Groom. I hate to think of them getting put out on the curb when we die.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We collected a lot of contemporary Australian paintings during covid. Great prices and shipping not bad. Artists are known in Australia not here. Think Guy Warren, Idris Murphy, John Olsen, David Groom. I hate to think of them getting put out on the curb when we die.

Ok, so make a plan now. Don't assume that your descendants want them and do not guilt them if they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We collected a lot of contemporary Australian paintings during covid. Great prices and shipping not bad. Artists are known in Australia not here. Think Guy Warren, Idris Murphy, John Olsen, David Groom. I hate to think of them getting put out on the curb when we die.

If your kids won't want them, research what company can liquidate them on your kids behalf, or plan to donate them to a charity that accepts art.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We collected a lot of contemporary Australian paintings during covid. Great prices and shipping not bad. Artists are known in Australia not here. Think Guy Warren, Idris Murphy, John Olsen, David Groom. I hate to think of them getting put out on the curb when we die.

No descendants. Not sure what happens to house. Estate left to a college but notvsure what they do to liquidate. Would donate but where. It's about $50k total purchase price for about 15 small works. Some probably appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We collected a lot of contemporary Australian paintings during covid. Great prices and shipping not bad. Artists are known in Australia not here. Think Guy Warren, Idris Murphy, John Olsen, David Groom. I hate to think of them getting put out on the curb when we die.

No descendants. Not sure what happens to house. Estate left to a college but notvsure what they do to liquidate. Would donate but where. It's about $50k total purchase price for about 15 small works. Some probably appreciated.

I would contact local universities and colleges to see if they could accept them- in particular the art department. I would also ask if they have suggestions for where you could donate them.

[Anonymous]

Thanks.
OP sorry for hijacking. But takie care of YOU. 🌸🌸

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sell the house as it. You would at best break even on fixup costs but that's unlikely and values your time and stress at ZERO. Just sell it. Save yourself. 🌸

Op here. Update is that house has an offer (we listed as is) so I’m a step closer to closing this chapter of elder care. This is the house I grew up in so it’s been emotionally very hard but the house has become like a chain around my neck. I will feel relief when it is no longer my problem. I am definitely experiencing caregiver burnout. It is a very real thing and it’s awful. I’m afraid for our country. So many millions of people are about to enter this stage of life. I feel for them and their adult children. My parents could afford assisted living. What about all the people who can’t afford $15,000+/month? I’m so traumatized by this experience that all I fell is fear for my cohort that they are soon going to step into this role (my parents had me late so I was the first to experience this).

[Anonymous]

Good luck for a smooth closing.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am wishing you strength. You are almost there. Caregiver burnout is real, and you have been doing it for a long time.
I think if you are the one in charge, and doing it all, while also trying to work and be a parent, there is no basis for criticism. I am willing to bet that your parents never had to do what you're doing now.

I've been in your shoes and am still there, because I'm about to list the house as well (and its the one I grew up in and part of me always hoped I would move back....but its impossible for at least 8 years and I cant afford to keep it). I wrestle with guilt. I had to move my mom to assisted living near me and deal with geerations of stuff in my mom's house (also my childhood house) and doing it while living across the country and working a new job and parenting teens. I was so stressed amd time pressed (I had about a week!) that I hired a company to basicallly get rid of almost everything. Some of it, unfortunately as I discovered later, was quite valuable (I found some things resold at auction for 10k), others was just stuff I wish I had kept because I got rid of almost everything in a mad rush...so I feel guilty as well for decimating several generations of collecting as well as for moving my mom. At the same time, I felt like it was a burden--would my daughter really want the things that my mom felt she had to keep from her parents, etc? and sometimes I just think...okay, its just money and stuff....stuff comes and goes and now they have new lives in new homes.

What counts is that I took care of my mom to the end. And you have done so for your parents. now, like you, I just want to make sure that somehow my kids do not have to deal with this situation.

Give yourself a break. Good luck with the closing.