What do you think they tell people?

[Anonymous]

I’ve been NC with my parents for a little over a year. Long history there, and most people in my life know the general dynamics, so when the topic comes up it’s not surprising to anyone that we’re not in contact.

What I sometimes find myself wondering about is the other side of it. My parents are very image-conscious people, one personality behind closed doors and another in public, so I can’t imagine they tell their acquaintances and friends “our child doesn’t speak to us.”

Meanwhile our lives have changed a lot in the last year. I recently got a promotion, one of my kids’ teams just won a state championship, etc. They wouldn’t know any of this.

So I’m curious: when people ask them “How are your child and the grandkids?” what do you think parents in that situation usually say? Do they just give vague answers? Pretend everything is normal? Change the subject?

Not looking to break NC, it’s been peaceful and the right decision for me. Just one of those things I occasionally wonder about.

[Anonymous]

“Everyone is doing great!” Then change the subject. This isn’t that complicated.

[Anonymous]

I’m guessing their response is similar to yours when you’re asked about your parents.

I’m no contact w one of my parents. In the rare occasion someone asks about that parent I simply say - I don’t know.

[Anonymous]

Oh I can answer this! My dad was abusive. Threatened to kill my mom. She had him forcibly removed from the home by police. I stopped talking to him when I turned 18, which was 25 years ago.

My uncle works in the same industry and sees him around from time to time. As far as his coworkers know, he's still married and he answers his wife and daughter are doing fine, lol. I guess he knows where I work from the internet so he can answer basic questions. My mom and him have mutual friends from college and they know of the divorce but probably think it was amicable. A few asked her why I don't see him since he is such a funny and affable guy. His family, I think he told them the classic that my crazy mother turned me against him and he just doesn't understand why.

[Anonymous]

You're spending a lot of time thinking about them for someone "NC." Like a lot of posters on DCUM who are NC or recommend it, you could still be in touch with your parents. When you really reach the point where NC is better for you than not, you won't want to be imagining this trivial things about them. Why don't you reach out and mend things, for your own benefit? FYI I imagine they say their DC is punitive and a bit on the ill side because that's what you sound like to a stranger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:“Everyone is doing great!” Then change the subject. This isn’t that complicated.

I know thats what my mom does people have told me. She acts like everything and everyone is fine yet none of her kids talk to her.

[Anonymous]

"Oh, you know how it is. busy!"

[Anonymous]

I am LC with my mother. She used to occasionally contact me and be superficially kind and then try to get all the info she could so she would have something to say. Now her mask is eroding so she sometimes snaps at people and says "why don't you ask her yourself. You are here to see ME!" or something like that. I think most people assume she is just senile and still in touch more. To be honest even when we were in touch more, she was so focused on herself she tuned out almost anything except a few tidbits she wanted to share.

[Anonymous]

Why do you care?

[Anonymous]

My sister is mostly NC with my parents (she permits some access between her kids and my parents because my parents are paying for their college and some other stuff), but I am still in contact with them, so I know what they say.

They sometimes just lie and talk about my sister and her family as though they see them all the time. They know enough general stuff from their limited interactions with grandkids to know what's going on.

Sometimes they are open about the fact that my sister doesn't speak to them, but they massage the story a bit so it doesn't sound so bad. Lots of euphemisms and no acknowledging how long it's been or any of the stuff that precipitated it.

With me and our other siblings, who know what's up, they swing between anger/blaming and guilt/shame. So like one day my mom will angrily complaint to me about what a terrible person my sister is, but on another day she will say my sister is her favorite child and admit she screwed up and she's a "terrible mother" and want me to talk her down.

I am LC with my parents and good at setting boundaries around these conversations. I understand why my sister is NC and respect her choice but also think that if she'd practiced setting more boundaries with them earlier on (she was the golden child until she was in her mid-30s and it was the loss of that status that led to the fights and the NC) she wouldn't have needed a clean break to deal with them. I get why she didn't do that, but that is the extent to which I see it from both sides.

[Anonymous]

In my world, NC=NO MONEY.

[Anonymous]

I'm very low contact with my parents. If someone asks how they are, I usually just say something vague like oh, I think they're doing okay. I would hear from my siblings if something was really wrong with either parent so the answer is close enough. I don't feel any need to explain all of the reasons why we're not closer to random people. Those who need to know already know and wouldn't be asking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're spending a lot of time thinking about them for someone "NC." Like a lot of posters on DCUM who are NC or recommend it, you could still be in touch with your parents. When you really reach the point where NC is better for you than not, you won't want to be imagining this trivial things about them. Why don't you reach out and mend things, for your own benefit? FYI I imagine they say their DC is punitive and a bit on the ill side because that's what you sound like to a stranger.

[Anonymous]

To wonder is to keep the drama alive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're spending a lot of time thinking about them for someone "NC." Like a lot of posters on DCUM who are NC or recommend it, you could still be in touch with your parents. When you really reach the point where NC is better for you than not, you won't want to be imagining this trivial things about them. Why don't you reach out and mend things, for your own benefit? FYI I imagine they say their DC is punitive and a bit on the ill side because that's what you sound like to a stranger.

There is a long grieving people for most people who go no contact. And grief often involves wondering about these kinds of things. That includes situations in which a parent was horrifically abusive and few, if any, would dispute that no contact was the right move.