What do you think they tell people?

[Anonymous]

So I know what our in-laws tell people because some of those people have told us.

We are NC with my in-laws after FIL's life-long verbal abuse was directed at me and our kids. At that point my husband was done. Long story about MIL, but in any event, here we are.

They tell everyone that they have no idea what happened, that they don't know why they were cut off, etc. So they do admit that they are not in touch with us but they turn it into a situation where I have ruined their son and am keeping him from them, which isn't remotely what happened, it was all his call but they can't accept that.

I'm fine being the demon DIL to their friends. The smart ones know who my FIL is and I'm sure they see right through these stories. The dumb ones I don't care about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been NC with my parents for a little over a year. Long history there, and most people in my life know the general dynamics, so when the topic comes up it’s not surprising to anyone that we’re not in contact.

What I sometimes find myself wondering about is the other side of it. My parents are very image-conscious people, one personality behind closed doors and another in public, so I can’t imagine they tell their acquaintances and friends “our child doesn’t speak to us.”

Meanwhile our lives have changed a lot in the last year. I recently got a promotion, one of my kids’ teams just won a state championship, etc. They wouldn’t know any of this.

So I’m curious: when people ask them “How are your child and the grandkids?” what do you think parents in that situation usually say? Do they just give vague answers? Pretend everything is normal? Change the subject?

Not looking to break NC, it’s been peaceful and the right decision for me. Just one of those things I occasionally wonder about.

Did you come here to brag or is there a question?

Are you always such a jerk?

No one grows up hoping they won't have any contact with their parents if they have a good relationship. You may think that people who do so are always wrong, in which case, this thread isn't for you.

For people who ended up not having any contact with their parents, it's painful. OP is thriving probably wishes she had parents that she could share that with. There's some pain in her post, which makes sense, and your response was, I should respond with a rude comment that is inapplicable to her post - in which she actually DID ask multiple questions.

Next time just do everyone a favor and just keep scrolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. OP is doing neither.

Yes, she mentioned the peace she feels now that she is NC. That is ok.

She then posted some thoughts she had been ruminating about, which were not obsessive. Nor does she sound miserable. She also didn't call her parents evil.

If you can't read the OP and understand what she's saying and what she means, I truly wonder how you can make it through the day.

[Anonymous]

My guess is they say you are doing fine. Anything more than that will bring more questions. What I have learned from 5 decades on this earth is that only gossips will pry further and most people are happy to move on to other subjects than what people’s kids or grandkids are up to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

Yep, the estrangement has to be fueled by further fantasy and elaboration in their heads and with others to keep justifying it.
I agree, PP, why does OP care? I think she wants them to be further punished by having to talk about it.

Says someone who has no idea what it means to be estranged from a family member.

[Anonymous]

My husband was NC with his parents, and found out they told all kinds of fantasy lies about him just to save face.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

Yep, the estrangement has to be fueled by further fantasy and elaboration in their heads and with others to keep justifying it.
I agree, PP, why does OP care? I think she wants them to be further punished by having to talk about it.

That was the feeling I got.

There have and always will be estrangements, but the way it is pushed as the solution to every problem or dissatisfaction with a relationship is very damaging for all involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. OP is doing neither.

Yes, she mentioned the peace she feels now that she is NC. That is ok.

She then posted some thoughts she had been ruminating about, which were not obsessive. Nor does she sound miserable. She also didn't call her parents evil.

If you can't read the OP and understand what she's saying and what she means, I truly wonder how you can make it through the day.

It’s not difficult for me, Karen. People can have different opinions than you and OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

Yep, the estrangement has to be fueled by further fantasy and elaboration in their heads and with others to keep justifying it.
I agree, PP, why does OP care? I think she wants them to be further punished by having to talk about it.

That was the feeling I got.

There have and always will be estrangements, but the way it is pushed as the solution to every problem or dissatisfaction with a relationship is very damaging for all involved.

I think it's more common because people talk about things that weren't talked about even a generation ago (boomers) AND people live longer, there being more opportunities to be nasty. I never thought I'd be estranged. But once my parent turned nasty towards my teenager, it brought back all the hurt I had at that age. It finally made sense. What she says to other people is either a version of "no idea" or "it's not her fault" depending on the person. So you care, because the lies behind your back get back to you.

[Anonymous]

My mother cut off contact with me but tells everyone that I don't speak to her and she doesn't know why. She loves being a victim so this story gets her sympathy from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. OP is doing neither.

Yes, she mentioned the peace she feels now that she is NC. That is ok.

She then posted some thoughts she had been ruminating about, which were not obsessive. Nor does she sound miserable. She also didn't call her parents evil.

If you can't read the OP and understand what she's saying and what she means, I truly wonder how you can make it through the day.

It’s not difficult for me, Karen. People can have different opinions than you and OP.

And are you estranged from your parents? No? Then no one cares about your opinion, Jan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

I'm sorry this is so difficult for you. OP is doing neither.

Yes, she mentioned the peace she feels now that she is NC. That is ok.

She then posted some thoughts she had been ruminating about, which were not obsessive. Nor does she sound miserable. She also didn't call her parents evil.

If you can't read the OP and understand what she's saying and what she means, I truly wonder how you can make it through the day.

It’s not difficult for me, Karen. People can have different opinions than you and OP.

And are you estranged from your parents? No? Then no one cares about your opinion, Jan.

Karen, have you discussed your grandiose thinking with a professional? It’s rather disturbing that you think you can make those sweeping generalizations.

[Anonymous]

My younger sibling is estranged from my parents and everyone else in our family. If people don’t know she exists we certainly don’t bring her up. Is this your only child? Yes. Or for me - do you have siblings? No.

People who have known our family for a long time and know of her existence we say we are estranged and haven’t seen her in years. And then change the subject.

It’s a painful and complicated situation and unless you are very very close to me or my family you won’t be privy to all the sordid dramatic details.

[Anonymous]

They just lie and move on.

[Anonymous]

Karen and Jan 😩