What do you think they tell people?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do you care?

Because they’re OP’s parents.

[Anonymous]

Seek therapy to process those thoughts and going NC

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To wonder is to keep the drama alive

And that's what they want so don't give it to them.

[Anonymous]

It depends.

So many people are NC, some of them for serious issues, others not so much.

The circumstances matter.

[Anonymous]

They either lie and say everything is great, or lie and say you’ve cut them off and they have no idea why.

Which lie is irrelevant to your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been NC with my parents for a little over a year. Long history there, and most people in my life know the general dynamics, so when the topic comes up it’s not surprising to anyone that we’re not in contact.

What I sometimes find myself wondering about is the other side of it. My parents are very image-conscious people, one personality behind closed doors and another in public, so I can’t imagine they tell their acquaintances and friends “our child doesn’t speak to us.”

Meanwhile our lives have changed a lot in the last year. I recently got a promotion, one of my kids’ teams just won a state championship, etc. They wouldn’t know any of this.

So I’m curious: when people ask them “How are your child and the grandkids?” what do you think parents in that situation usually say? Do they just give vague answers? Pretend everything is normal? Change the subject?

Not looking to break NC, it’s been peaceful and the right decision for me. Just one of those things I occasionally wonder about.

Did you come here to brag or is there a question?

[Anonymous]

I’ll answer this. For a few years in my late 20s early 30s I was very low contact with my parents. Barely spoke to my mom. During that period I was at a friend’s wedding where my mom and her friends were also there, and I was making grey rock type of conversation with my mom at the reception. I overheard one of my mom’s good friends at the wedding say something to her like “well, at least she’s talking to you”. So, in my case my mom definitely confided in her friends, as is her right.

[Anonymous]

For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

[Anonymous]

I’m in contact with my living parent, and they would have no idea (or more accurately not listen/pay attention if I told them) about my job title or their grandchild’s state championship sports team. Elder parents are often pretty self centered! I’d bet your parents just generically say you all are fine if they are asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

Because they’re still your parents and most estranged adult children have significant grief and trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

Yep, the estrangement has to be fueled by further fantasy and elaboration in their heads and with others to keep justifying it.
I agree, PP, why does OP care? I think she wants them to be further punished by having to talk about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're spending a lot of time thinking about them for someone "NC." Like a lot of posters on DCUM who are NC or recommend it, you could still be in touch with your parents. When you really reach the point where NC is better for you than not, you won't want to be imagining this trivial things about them. Why don't you reach out and mend things, for your own benefit? FYI I imagine they say their DC is punitive and a bit on the ill side because that's what you sound like to a stranger.

There is a long grieving people for most people who go no contact. And grief often involves wondering about these kinds of things. That includes situations in which a parent was horrifically abusive and few, if any, would dispute that no contact was the right move.

Ugh. I have the opposite problem. People keep telling me things about people I have no contact or care about. Like I am not asking please don’t mention this person in my presence because I am not interested. At all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They either lie and say everything is great, or lie and say you’ve cut them off and they have no idea why.

Which lie is irrelevant to your life.

The later is not likely a lie. OP revealed true nature with the question.

[Anonymous]

sounds like you're getting off on it, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For all these people who tout the joys of estrangement it seems like a lot of people obsess about their supposedly evil parents and remain miserable.

If you can’t be in relationship with your parents why do you care who they speak to and what they say?

Because they’re still your parents and most estranged adult children have significant grief and trauma.

Most do not. They backmap situations to fit a narrative of trauma. There wasn't trauma. Trauma is actually trauma- what we are seeing here is massive immaturity.