18yo daughter obsessed with marriage—not boyfriends—what should I tell her?
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Anonymous
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My daughter is 18 and still in high school, and all she really talks about lately is wanting to find a husband to marry, not just a boyfriend. She’s very focused on getting married and keeps asking me for tips on how to find the right man. She’s planning to go to college, but she’s obsessed with getting married and seems to want to discuss nothing else.
We spend a lot of time together, and whenever we talk, all she wants to discuss is marriage. I’ve tried giving her advice, like encouraging her to focus on her future and education, but she usually says my advice isn’t good enough. She insists that she’s ready for that kind of commitment and wants a husband, not just a boyfriend. I’m not really sure what else to tell her. She’s smart and beautiful, and I know she has a lot going for her, but I’m concerned that she’s rushing into this without fully experiencing life first. Usually, she has new things she’s into—these past few months, it’s getting married. When I say, 'We can stop discussing marriage and talk about something else for the day since you’re not accepting my advice, and we’ll talk about it tomorrow,' she gets angry and insists we keep talking about marriage, saying I need to get her better advice. So what should I tell her? How do I handle this without dismissing her feelings, but also guide her toward a more balanced perspective on marriage and life? |
Anonymous
| Have you asked her what she's looking for in a husband? |
Anonymous
| Uhh...tell her how to find a good husband and what to look for. Many of us met our husbands in college. Many of the most balanced people I know did. One quality can be "find someone who supports your education and success and wants you to reach your full potential" |
Anonymous
Yes, it’s seems unrealistic. |
Anonymous
What exactly should I tell her? I married the first man that I dated so I don’t have a lot of experience. |
Anonymous
How so? |
Anonymous
What's wrong that? Dating more doesn't necessarily lead to better marriage outcome. |
Anonymous
Nothing, I’m just saying that I don’t know a lot about dating. |
Anonymous
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I got serious about dating to marry when I was about 20. It's not that unusual. She's trying to figure it out.
I would tell her that college is when you practice relationship skills and discover what relationship styles you're compatible with. And learn what to avoid. So she should go ahead and do that. And then also tell her that the men worth having are very, very unlikely to be interested in marriage at this age. Therefore she should focus on her education and career, and date as a way of learning. Obsessing about marriage is a great way to frighten guys her age, so maybe she'll actually date less because of it. The problem is she may end up with some 35-year-old creeper who's way too online. Not sure what to do about that other than tell her he's a leftover and it would be settling. |
Anonymous
Don't get in the way of her trying to find a husband, but steer her away from older men. It's better to be married at the geriatric age of 25 to a 30-year-old than to be married at the age of 19 to a 30-year-old. |
Anonymous
| The best way to get married young is to join a religion. A lot of Christian churches, especially the megachurch variety, have "singles ministries" for people young people to meet. It doesn't matter if your family is religious or not. They aren't going to administer a faith test to weed out people who are there for one thing. As long as you can fake a moderate interest in Jesus you have a good chance of finding a mate. |
Anonymous
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She might be getting this since you married your first boyfriend. I know my happily married parents married right out of high school and I thought about it a lot.
I think it's great to focus on marriage. I never dated just for fun and I never dated someone I wasn't interested in marrying. Obviously I had a lot of fun dating, but I mean I wasn't willing to be friends with benefits. Tell her what to look for in a spouse. Surely you know by now what works, even though you didn't date much. |
Anonymous
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I think to an extend, this should be expected.
We spend a lot of time telling our kids that romantic relationships should be special, and we often define "special" as "lasting." It sounds like she wants to have a successful relationship because it's been taught to her that that's the important, good decision to make. I will do the dumb pop culture thing and point to the Bridgerton series for the different ways that people feel about marriage and commitment. There are some characters who eagerly embrace marriage and position and succeed and others who are less successful or step outside the lines who struggle more. Maybe your daughter is a person who values marriage and commitment. Fine. Talk to her about what she thinks is important in a marriage. Surely you have opinions based in your own values that you could share with your daughter. |
Anonymous
It’s a lot.. Believes in soulmates and true love. 1. Wealthy 2. Extremely ambitious and successful 3. Charismatic and outgoing personality 4. Perfect physical appearance 5. The "ideal" personality—someone who meets all her emotional and personal needs 6. High social status 7. Perfect match in every way (financial, emotional, personality) 8. Perfect family background 9. No flaws in character 10. Prioritizes her above anyone else 11. Always on the same page |
Anonymous
Well, she is 18 and those are idealistic criteria. Not a single thing on that list is an inherently BAD thing to have in a partner, just very unrealistic as you said. You can help her understand where her criteria are too rigid or help guide her away from stuff you don't think "should be" a priority in a relationship. You are her mom and get to tell her what you think is important. I personally would be encouraging my daughter to steer away from stuff like "high social status" and "wealthy" but might keep the stuff that is more "career driven and ambitious" in order to prioritize a value of hard work or being financially successful or however we defined it. Overall, it sounds like she's a kid with a kid list. That's a good reason for her to date people and see how reality matches up to this Disney princess fantasy you've got here. |