18yo daughter obsessed with marriage—not boyfriends—what should I tell her?

[Anonymous]

That list does sound like something an eighteen year old would put together. I think you should ask her what attributes someone like that would value, and if she has them.

You can also ask her about mutually contradictory things, such as how someone that is ambitious and successful would prioritize her above all else and remain ambitious and successful. Or how she would know that one person can meet all her needs and be a perfect match. Or if she has ever met anyone, male or female, with no flaws in character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That list does sound like something an eighteen year old would put together. I think you should ask her what attributes someone like that would value, and if she has them.

You can also ask her about mutually contradictory things, such as how someone that is ambitious and successful would prioritize her above all else and remain ambitious and successful. Or how she would know that one person can meet all her needs and be a perfect match. Or if she has ever met anyone, male or female, with no flaws in character.

+1

[Anonymous]

If you really want to talk her down, I can send you my family court case number and she can see my DH’s antics. It would cure anyone of idealizing marriage.

She definitely needs to get off Instagram and out into the real world and just start interacting with real actual boys/men. Back in the day it was hard enough to be realistic with teen magazines and fashion magazines and wedding magazines, celebrity weddings, and early 2000s rom com movies. Now it must be impossible to really understand marriage when girls see what look like “real people” marriages on Instagram and don’t realize it’s just as fake as rom coms and magazines were.

Realistically, if she’s not going to get out there and date, a gap year as an au pair or a summer stint as a live-in nanny would be very curative. I saw babysitters and long term young adult long term houseguests piece together the reality of my challenging marriage and home life faster than I did. I realized things were off based on their reactions, not my own feelings, because my judgement was dimmed by years of being with someone who never should have been in a marriage.

[Anonymous]

Let me guess. She watches Bridgerton

[Anonymous]

How would she financially support herself in a marriage?

How would she afford housing and all the adult expenses that go with being independent adults?

Is she a trust fund baby?

[Anonymous]

Tell her that in order to get a good husband she needs to be a complete person, complete with an education, hobbies, good friends, a good job, volunteering, etc.

[Anonymous]

Is she neurotypical? Your description of her bouncing from one topic to another with this degree of intensity is suggestive that she may not be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How would she financially support herself in a marriage?

How would she afford housing and all the adult expenses that go with being independent adults?

Is she a trust fund baby?

She’s set financially, but still needs and has plans, career, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she neurotypical? Your description of her bouncing from one topic to another with this degree of intensity is suggestive that she may not be.

Yes, she’s neurotypical.

[Anonymous]

Encourage that daughter of yours to focus on herself and continuing her education, gainful employment and positive relationships w friends and family.

What’s meant for her will be.

[Anonymous]

She might be spending time in the weird corners of the internet.

[Anonymous]

She sounds manic. Possibly bipolar?

[Anonymous]

Good. The idea that you don’t find your mate until your thirties is dumb. Tell her to make sure she cultivates all of the qualities in herself that she’s seeking in a spouse, and encourage her to do research into the spiritual, financial, and practical realities of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Have you asked her what she's looking for in a husband?

Yes, it’s seems unrealistic.

How so?

It’s a lot..
Believes in soulmates and true love.
1. Wealthy
2. Extremely ambitious and successful
3. Charismatic and outgoing personality
4. Perfect physical appearance
5. The "ideal" personality—someone who meets all her emotional and personal needs
6. High social status
7. Perfect match in every way (financial, emotional, personality)
8. Perfect family background
9. No flaws in character
10. Prioritizes her above anyone else
11. Always on the same page

I know one 20 yo boy who fits this and I would not ever want to marry into a family like that because it would be too stressful to keep up with sky high expectations but I am glad to see there is someone for everyone. I like this random quote I read online about finding someone who feels like peace because it worked for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might be spending time in the weird corners of the internet.

This is what I think. She's watching those reels of childless and rich stay at home wives prancing around NYC drinking matcha, getting their nails done and shopping.