Reply to Five Daughters in Their 20s Who Can’t Stop Fighting and Being Jealous

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[quote=Anonymous]Five grown women in their 20s are melting down over gifts and “who’s prettier,” and you’re asking how to referee it?

I’d start with this: what would you have wanted your own parents to do if you and your siblings were acting like this at 28?

Because I can tell you what most adults would say: stay out of it.

They are not 12. They are not sharing a bathroom before middle school. They are adults with jobs, partners, apartments, and apparently strong opinions about who got the better handbag.

You can’t engineer emotional maturity by calibrating Venmo transfers.

If the 25-year-old wants to stop speaking to the 21-year-old over a gift, let her. If the oldest wants to spiral because someone texted “hi,” let her. Those are social consequences (yes, even in your own family) they need to feel, not conflicts you need to smooth.

The more you try to “make it fair,” the more you reinforce the idea that you’re the central distributor of justice and resources. Of course they’re competing ... the scoreboard is you.

You can absolutely continue to support the younger ones in ways that make sense (college support and first-apartment help are normal parental decisions). But stop negotiating it emotionally. A simple: “We’re comfortable with what we’re doing. We’re not going to compare between you,” is enough.

And then (this is the key part) disengage!

Don’t triangulate.
Don’t relay complaints.
Don’t explain one sister to another.
Don’t re-litigate gifts.

If someone complains, you can say: “You’re adults. Work it out with each other.”

They may huff. They may sulk. Let them.

Right now, the only person who seems truly overwhelmed is you. The fighting continues because it still gets oxygen. If it stops getting parental airtime, a lot of it will die on its own.

You raised five women. At some point, you have to trust them to either grow up or sit in the discomfort of not growing up.

Either way, it’s not your job to referee anymore.[/quote]

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