Therapy: does it get worse before it gets better?

[Anonymous]

I grew up in a dysfunctional, neglectful home. There were good moments growing up so don’t want to catastrophize, but the impact has been real. I learned to internalize everything and keep going. On the outside I’ve built a decent life; inside it’s been depression, anxiety, low self-worth, and shame.
In my 40s, I started therapy. My therapist is great, but the work is intense. After four months, I stopped, though I plan to return. It’s helped me see connections and parts of myself I ignored but I don’t feel better. In some ways I feel worse. I was numb before; now I see the depth of it, and it hurts. There’s no do-over childhood.

For those who’ve been here: does it get better? How? Are my expectations unrealistic? I don’t want to keep hurting. I want to let this go and stop it from shaping my life.

[Anonymous]

Works differently for different people. Yes, the work is hard. Before you were numb and can’t imagine you will go to happy or content before going through uncomfortable to painful issues. With the right therapist it will likely help you get perspective on your experiences- understand shame is sometimes an initial feeling that you need to/ want to get beyond. You also want to make sure you are not walking out of the appointment feeling raw - you will want to have enough time to deal with an issue and get some perspective and feel okay to move on with your next part of the day. But when you start to dig into issues you may find the day to day life has too much going on to handle doing that and the deep work of therapy, so you may need to take a break from appointments and have a less intense work life, family obligations, school , etc to have the energy to be vulnerable for therapy. Hope this helps.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Works differently for different people. Yes, the work is hard. Before you were numb and can’t imagine you will go to happy or content before going through uncomfortable to painful issues. With the right therapist it will likely help you get perspective on your experiences- understand shame is sometimes an initial feeling that you need to/ want to get beyond. You also want to make sure you are not walking out of the appointment feeling raw - you will want to have enough time to deal with an issue and get some perspective and feel okay to move on with your next part of the day. But when you start to dig into issues you may find the day to day life has too much going on to handle doing that and the deep work of therapy, so you may need to take a break from appointments and have a less intense work life, family obligations, school , etc to have the energy to be vulnerable for therapy. Hope this helps.

Thank you for your thoughtful response

[Anonymous]

Not OP but this post resonates with me. I am 40 and have been in therapy for the past 2 years. I was feeling really good talking about an issue that deeply changed my life. I was excited to see my therapist. It felt more like seeing a friend. And then suddenly something happened about 2 months ago (I don’t know what) and I have been dragging my feet to go to my sessions since then. Additionally my anxiety is spiking. First time in 2 years. I had 2 panic attacks in 2 months. Is therapy contributing to these feelings? I don’t know what to do. Should I continue? Should I suddenly drop? Should I have a few more sessions to wean off?

[Anonymous]

Newer poster, these are perfect questions to talk with your therapist. Probably pretty common. Maybe you are at the edge of a breakthrough, but you aren’t sure you are ready for ‘whatever’ may come after the breakthrough . Maybe the issue is something you have found a useful crutch to lean on, but if that isn’t there what can you lean on when uncertain. Since you’ve been working with this therapist for several years she / he likely can help you figure this out, but you need to let her know/ him know.

[Anonymous]

Agree with previous poster that getting your therapist’s perspective is helpful. Even if you don’t want to keep a weekly appointment right now, it might be a good opportunity for a one-time check-in.

That said, it sounds like you are grieving—at least in part. Creating a grief ritual where you mourn the loss of a childhood or the loss of the relationship you’d hoped to have with your parents, helps some. Inner child work helps others. Therapy can provide tools for these things too.

[Anonymous]

Therapists to me are like friends that you have to pay to listen to your problems.

I do think there are people who do better by just "overcoming" and not digging up their past.

[Anonymous]

yeah, there's a difference between wallowing in past negativities, versus radical acceptance, letting go, and moving on. Sometimes therapists specialize in the former. Read about DBT therapy. You don't have to go through it to take away the positives, in my opinion.

[Anonymous]

Finding out my parents were basically absent kind of sucked. Getting to the point that they did a great job with the resources they had was also great.

So yes it sucked then was great.

Finding out I was dyslexic made me sad for my younger self but realizing why I struggled was empowering then I was proud of how much i accomplished.

So for me yes it’s hard then great.

Some love to keep their head in the sand. That’s not me.

[Anonymous]

Have you considered EMDR therapy??

It is designed for people who have experienced past trauma……

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Therapists to me are like friends that you have to pay to listen to your problems.

I do think there are people who do better by just "overcoming" and not digging up their past.

+1000

This is exactly why I don't believe in therapy in 99% of cases.

[Anonymous]

Maybe it's bot the correct therapy for you.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I had a happy childhood and generally non complicated life. Went to therapy after multiple sudden deaths in my circle. It was really really hard for several months unearthing all sorts of stuff in my life that I clearly pushed down. Got better. I went for 3 years in my late 20s. Worked on some ways and tools to cope with things. Had a very patient but progress and future focused therapist. She didn't just listen, she actively worked with me to change how I react to things and process issues.

[Anonymous]

Therapy for the kind of thing your talking about, at least in my direct and indirect experience, is often the hardest months 3-6. It's aways hard, but those months are when you start to really understand what happened but you don't yet have the tools to manage it let alone work through it.

As long as you like your therapist and trust them, I encourage you to continue. Good luck- it's hard but worth it.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the therapist. I had to convince my husband to leave his last therapist, because I swear that therapist encouraged him to wallow in the past. The new therapist gives him tools to manage anxiety in the present. He's doing better now.