Handling graduation with low-contact grandparent?

[Anonymous]

I’m thinking ahead to my DS’s upcoming graduation and could use advice on how to handle family logistics.

We receive 5 tickets. Those would naturally go to me, DH, our other DS, and my two parents. DH’s father is deceased; his mother is still living.

DH has a long-standing, very low-contact relationship with his mother due to significant mental health issues and a long history of abuse. They see each other 2–3 times a year at neutral locations, do not spend holidays together, and speak by phone maybe once every few months. The kids see her even less and never alone.

DS is already anxious about the idea of her attending graduation. She tends to make situations awkward, does things to dramatically draw the focus to herself (showing up late, suddenly requiring a knee brace and special seating, suddenly developing food allergies that she goes over the top to accommodate, starts drama with someone and then plays victim, etc.), does not get along with my parents, and is not meaningfully involved in his life. He feels she would essentially be a stranger at an important event. That said, she does know he is graduating this year.

DH is torn about what the “right” thing to do is. DS does not want her at either the graduation or the party. I generally side with prioritizing the kids’ comfort, but I’m struggling with how to handle this tactfully and fairly, especially since DH has no other family he’s in contact with.

How would you handle:
The actual graduation?
Whether to invite her to the party (or not)?
Managing expectations and communication, given the history?

Looking for perspective, especially from those who’ve dealt with low-contact or high-conflict parents.

[Anonymous]

It is very sad that your son is dealing with stress about this months ahead of graduation. Did you or your husband present this potential challenege to your son? If so, parenting fail. Why make him have anxiety about this? No, you don't make a point to invite her to anything. If she brings it up closer to the event, then you cross that bridge. And your husband needs to put the needs of his son before his abusive mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m thinking ahead to my DS’s upcoming graduation and could use advice on how to handle family logistics.

We receive 5 tickets. Those would naturally go to me, DH, our other DS, and my two parents. DH’s father is deceased; his mother is still living.

DH has a long-standing, very low-contact relationship with his mother due to significant mental health issues and a long history of abuse. They see each other 2–3 times a year at neutral locations, do not spend holidays together, and speak by phone maybe once every few months. The kids see her even less and never alone.

DS is already anxious about the idea of her attending graduation. She tends to make situations awkward, does things to dramatically draw the focus to herself (showing up late, suddenly requiring a knee brace and special seating, suddenly developing food allergies that she goes over the top to accommodate, starts drama with someone and then plays victim, etc.), does not get along with my parents, and is not meaningfully involved in his life. He feels she would essentially be a stranger at an important event. That said, she does know he is graduating this year.

DH is torn about what the “right” thing to do is. DS does not want her at either the graduation or the party.I generally side with prioritizing the kids’ comfort, but I’m struggling with how to handle this tactfully and fairly, especially since DH has no other family he’s in contact with.

How would you handle:
The actual graduation?
Whether to invite her to the party (or not)?
Managing expectations and communication, given the history?

Looking for perspective, especially from those who’ve dealt with low-contact or high-conflict parents.

The bolded is what matters.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is very sad that your son is dealing with stress about this months ahead of graduation. Did you or your husband present this potential challenege to your son? If so, parenting fail. Why make him have anxiety about this? No, you don't make a point to invite her to anything. If she brings it up closer to the event, then you cross that bridge. And your husband needs to put the needs of his son before his abusive mother.

Right? What prompted it was the preliminary mention of tickets in a weekend newsletter email from the school. He came to us and asked what we plan on doing about his grandmother.

I’m mostly curious how others broke the news to their parent that they wouldn’t be receiving an invitation when they asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m thinking ahead to my DS’s upcoming graduation and could use advice on how to handle family logistics.

We receive 5 tickets. Those would naturally go to me, DH, our other DS, and my two parents. DH’s father is deceased; his mother is still living.

DH has a long-standing, very low-contact relationship with his mother due to significant mental health issues and a long history of abuse. They see each other 2–3 times a year at neutral locations, do not spend holidays together, and speak by phone maybe once every few months. The kids see her even less and never alone.

DS is already anxious about the idea of her attending graduation. She tends to make situations awkward, does things to dramatically draw the focus to herself (showing up late, suddenly requiring a knee brace and special seating, suddenly developing food allergies that she goes over the top to accommodate, starts drama with someone and then plays victim, etc.), does not get along with my parents, and is not meaningfully involved in his life. He feels she would essentially be a stranger at an important event. That said, she does know he is graduating this year.

DH is torn about what the “right” thing to do is. DS does not want her at either the graduation or the party.I generally side with prioritizing the kids’ comfort, but I’m struggling with how to handle this tactfully and fairly, especially since DH has no other family he’s in contact with.

How would you handle:
The actual graduation?
Whether to invite her to the party (or not)?
Managing expectations and communication, given the history?

Looking for perspective, especially from those who’ve dealt with low-contact or high-conflict parents.

The bolded is what matters.

I agree.

Is there a drama free way to present this to the grandparent when they ask?

[Anonymous]

DH needs to say this: “mom, Joey doesn’t want you included in any of his graduation activities. This is why you won’t be receiving any invitations or notices in May.”

Alternatively, if the grandson is 18 years old, then he should be the one who notifies his grandmother that he doesn’t want her at his party or graduation, if she brings it up.

Both men need to reach down and find their stones. Anything less than telling grandma straight up that she’s not included is cowardly.

Anyone who makes these drastic choices to cut off their closest relatives needs to have the courage to face the sometimes unpleasant consequences. This will be a good “choices have consequences, buddy” moment for your DS. Make him own it

[Anonymous]

Your husband's mother may not be expecting any invitation, since you are low-contact.

Stop worrying about it. Do not invite her. If she complains, do not explain, do not defend. The end.

[Anonymous]

If this is already stressing out the son, she doesn't come. Don't let her ruin his day.

[Anonymous]

We will wait till the grandparent asks and if they do give them tickets.

[Anonymous]

If it comes up, why not just say you don't have enough tickets?

[Anonymous]

I think your son is getting his anxiety from you, OP. Why make this such a big deal when you don't even know whether Grandma is expecting to attend? And if she asks, then tell her there aren't any tickets. She doesn't need to know that your parents are going. If you want to send her a photo, surely you can manage one without your parents in it.

This is only a big deal in your minds. Seriously. At least one of you needs meds for anxiety.

[Anonymous]

When she asks, you just tell her that you don't have enough tickets as they are limited but that you will share his graduation video / picture.

Your son could do a quick facetime call post graduation so she can say congrats and he can tell her about it.

[Anonymous]

Is there a live stream? Send her the link.

[Anonymous]

Why are you making DS shoulder the burden? You as a family do not spend holidays with her but are making him decide how to handle one of the biggest events of his life?

We are extremely low contact with my ILs and will not be inviting them- if they do ask, DH will explain to them we do not have enough tickets and cannot accommodate them at the after party, which is at a restaurant with several sets of stairs. They don’t get to check out of my DCs life or abuse them when they do see them and then get to play doting grandparents.

My own father lives 15 hours away, cannot fly and has very limited mobility. I asked him not to come as the focus needs to be on DC and not my father and his ailments- not to mention he is a complete Debbie downer and would try to make everything about him. I love him, but this is not the time or place for him to be grandpa.

[Anonymous]

Setting aside for the moment that wearing a knee brace, getting special seating, and having over the top food preferences are not reasons to disinvite or go low contact — if you already do not have much contact then why would you invite her? Simply don’t bring it up and if she asks, say there are not enough tickets (which is true) and be done with it.