Handling graduation with low-contact grandparent?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to say this: “mom, Joey doesn’t want you included in any of his graduation activities. This is why you won’t be receiving any invitations or notices in May.”

Alternatively, if the grandson is 18 years old, then he should be the one who notifies his grandmother that he doesn’t want her at his party or graduation, if she brings it up.

Both men need to reach down and find their stones. Anything less than telling grandma straight up that she’s not included is cowardly.

Anyone who makes these drastic choices to cut off their closest relatives needs to have the courage to face the sometimes unpleasant consequences. This will be a good “choices have consequences, buddy” moment for your DS. Make him own it

This is awful advice. Does this PP leave a trail of scorched earth behind them all the time?
The kid is 18 and in high school. He absolutely does not need to have this conversation with his grandmother. Possibly ever.

No one is owed a graduation ticket. It would be a bit of grace to say “we don’t get enough tickets for you but we’d love to celebrate a different day by going out to a special lunch together.”

I’d rather teach my kids to manage relationships with low drama and kindness. It’s not cowardly. PP is aggressive with little, if any, upside for the family.

Do what serves you. Manage her to the role you want her. Don’t include her where it will cause stress, especially on a special day where all joy and focus should be on the graduate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're literally creating a problem where there isn't one. Bravo.

The discomfort is clearly on OPs side. The graduate doesn't even have to sit with the family so why would he be so worried?

As OP said, she causes drama. What kid wants their grandmother creating chaos at his graduation? I think OP is just trying to figure out how to navigate telling the grandmother she’s not invited, should she ask, which she likely will since she’s still in occasional contact with her son, and likely knows her grandson is a senior this year.

They barely see her and do it in neutral sites. How and when is she causing all this "drama"? A graduation is another neutral site. That OP is worrying about this months in advance seems like she's obsessed with her MIL who lays low all year long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH needs to say this: “mom, Joey doesn’t want you included in any of his graduation activities. This is why you won’t be receiving any invitations or notices in May.”

Alternatively, if the grandson is 18 years old, then he should be the one who notifies his grandmother that he doesn’t want her at his party or graduation, if she brings it up.

Both men need to reach down and find their stones. Anything less than telling grandma straight up that she’s not included is cowardly.

Anyone who makes these drastic choices to cut off their closest relatives needs to have the courage to face the sometimes unpleasant consequences. This will be a good “choices have consequences, buddy” moment for your DS. Make him own it

This is awful advice. Does this PP leave a trail of scorched earth behind them all the time?
The kid is 18 and in high school. He absolutely does not need to have this conversation with his grandmother. Possibly ever.

No one is owed a graduation ticket. It would be a bit of grace to say “we don’t get enough tickets for you but we’d love to celebrate a different day by going out to a special lunch together.”

I’d rather teach my kids to manage relationships with low drama and kindness. It’s not cowardly. PP is aggressive with little, if any, upside for the family.

Do what serves you. Manage her to the role you want her. Don’t include her where it will cause stress, especially on a special day where all joy and focus should be on the graduate.

OP here. Thanks for this kind response.

I think we are all unsure about what to do because this is the first major milestone event since DH went ultra low contact (graduations, weddings, baby showers, etc.) It’s uncharted territory and every option feels wrong. I appreciate all of the advice I’ve received here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're literally creating a problem where there isn't one. Bravo.

The discomfort is clearly on OPs side. The graduate doesn't even have to sit with the family so why would he be so worried?

As OP said, she causes drama. What kid wants their grandmother creating chaos at his graduation? I think OP is just trying to figure out how to navigate telling the grandmother she’s not invited, should she ask, which she likely will since she’s still in occasional contact with her son, and likely knows her grandson is a senior this year.

They barely see her and do it in neutral sites. How and when is she causing all this "drama"? A graduation is another neutral site. That OP is worrying about this months in advance seems like she's obsessed with her MIL who lays low all year long.

A restaurant is a neutral site. A ticketed personal event is not neutral ground. The graduation party, which often takes place at a home, is definitely not neutral ground.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're literally creating a problem where there isn't one. Bravo.

The discomfort is clearly on OPs side. The graduate doesn't even have to sit with the family so why would he be so worried?

As OP said, she causes drama. What kid wants their grandmother creating chaos at his graduation? I think OP is just trying to figure out how to navigate telling the grandmother she’s not invited, should she ask, which she likely will since she’s still in occasional contact with her son, and likely knows her grandson is a senior this year.

They barely see her and do it in neutral sites. How and when is she causing all this "drama"? A graduation is another neutral site. That OP is worrying about this months in advance seems like she's obsessed with her MIL who lays low all year long.

A restaurant is a neutral site. A ticketed personal event is not neutral ground. The graduation party, which often takes place at a home, is definitely not neutral ground.

A graduation event is neutral ground tickets make no difference. But again why is op bringing this up now? Makes no sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it comes up, why not just say you don't have enough tickets?

This. Which is true, right?

[Anonymous]

Imho no need to take your parents either, just your own nuclear family is enough. Have two lunches next weekend with each side of grandparents to be inclusive or if your parents can handle it, do one lunch for all three of them together.

[Anonymous]

Why are you meddling in a low contact relationship? How do you have any contact with this person if your husband has practically none? Just ignore and let him handle it, or not, as he seems to prefer.,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imho no need to take your parents either, just your own nuclear family is enough. Have two lunches next weekend with each side of grandparents to be inclusive or if your parents can handle it, do one lunch for all three of them together.

Nah, why leave two people out that the graduate wants when you have enough tickets?

[Anonymous]

You literally never mention graduation to Difficult Granny. If Difficult Granny asks about graduation, you say it is on x date. If Difficult Granny asks if she can go, you say you don’t have a ticket for her. You also don’t post pics on facebook with the other grandparents if Difficult Granny loves FB. If Difficult Granny says she really wants to celebrate, you do so in a very low contact way like a lunch. I say this as a mom with a parent I’m low contact with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You literally never mention graduation to Difficult Granny. If Difficult Granny asks about graduation, you say it is on x date. If Difficult Granny asks if she can go, you say you don’t have a ticket for her. You also don’t post pics on facebook with the other grandparents if Difficult Granny loves FB. If Difficult Granny says she really wants to celebrate, you do so in a very low contact way like a lunch. I say this as a mom with a parent I’m low contact with.

What about when Difficult Granny asks about the open house/graduation party?

[Anonymous]

The right thing to do is make this event about your son and his wishes. He needs to be able to enjoy the event. Both my husband and I had so many events ruined by family members who could not behave. I have no interest in old family albums because there are so many memories of tensions, stress, drama, fights. I have a small handful of photos that don't cause me pain. Let kids and teens build memories stress free. Protect their milestones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband's mother may not be expecting any invitation, since you are low-contact.

Stop worrying about it. Do not invite her. If she complains, do not explain, do not defend. The end.

This is the answer.

[Anonymous]

No invitation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imho no need to take your parents either, just your own nuclear family is enough. Have two lunches next weekend with each side of grandparents to be inclusive or if your parents can handle it, do one lunch for all three of them together.

Nah, why leave two people out that the graduate wants when you have enough tickets?

To maintain his and everyone else's mental health during this time.