How to talk to DH about my feelings?

[Anonymous]

Without him getting defensive and launching into a list of my faults? He's then so mad that I DARED point out his flaws that he doesn't hear what my initial concerns were. And yes I do this when things are calm and not already worked up. I try to use a lot of "I feel" statements and all that stuff.

So we are stuck in this pattern of my suppressing things that bother me because it doesn't do any good to say them out loud anyway.

Married 21 years, mid 40's, two teenagers.

[Anonymous]

Can we get insight into what the 'flaws' were? I think the context may be relevant.

[Anonymous]

Are you wanting to talk about your feelings or about his flaws? If your just dressing up your criticisms of him as "feelings about his flaws," I wouldn't expect anyone to take that very well. (Depending, I suppose on what those flaws are, how you are presenting them, and what you expect as the end result of the conversation.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can we get insight into what the 'flaws' were? I think the context may be relevant.

It really doesn't matter what the flaws are. If he immediately launches into a list of her wrongdoings instead of calmly listening and discussing, it's a problem.

OP, couples therapy sounds like it could really help here.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I feel like a task manager and household employee. I’d like him to participate more in family life. I’d also like him to show more interest in us as a couple and not just housemates/parents (although he has plenty of interest in sex!)

But for example if I ask him to be more involved (or really involved at all) in meal planning and dinner prep and to please finish work in time to do this I basically get told that he way out earns me (true) and that he is the main dog walker (also true but why does that have to do with what I am asking?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel like a task manager and household employee. I’d like him to participate more in family life. I’d also like him to show more interest in us as a couple and not just housemates/parents (although he has plenty of interest in sex!)

But for example if I ask him to be more involved (or really involved at all) in meal planning and dinner prep and to please finish work in time to do this I basically get told that he way out earns me (true) and that he is the main dog walker (also true but why does that have to do with what I am asking?)

Look, I don't doubt that you do the majority of the mental load. And bringing up income in that context is a dick move. But it sounds like you've got to really sit down and be objective about the division of labor. Dog walking is a helpful contribution. Obviously, he should be doing considerably more than that but is there a chance that it's not realistic for him to take on more dinner prep due to work obligations? Is that something that could be outsourced on the nights you can't (meal delivery service)?

My DH helps with dinner on the weekend but he commutes and I work remotely. It makes sense that I generally do it. On the other hand, he is the point person on the kids sports and drives them to most practices. I think the key is that I didn't try to micromanage any of it. He's a perfectly competent adult. But I know if I had stayed over involved, he would feel like I didn't trust him to do it. That happened a couple of times early in parenthood and I can see how it creates a lot of friction and resentment on both sides if you're not self aware about it. One person feels overburdened and the other decides learned helplessness is the path of least resistance. Any chance that has contributed to your dynamic now? If it's really miserable, I agree that therapy can help you both gain some insight.

[Anonymous]

You’re feeling overburdened. Your solution is that you’re going to do less - specifically, less meal planning and preparation.

You’re also feeling disconnected and would like to do more as a couple. Your solution is … what? That you’ll plan more date nights? Or that you’d like him to plan one date night per week / per month? Note that going out for dinner will also provide a partial solution to meal planning and preparation.

To the extent you delegate the task of meal planning and preparation you DO NOT get to dictate HOW the meals are planned or prepped. Your husband / kids might just order in.

Together, the Teenagers can cook one meal per week. Maybe something fun for Friday nights. They can also fend for themselves if you and husband go out to eat.

Husband takes on one meal per week. Assign the day. Maybe Monday, which gives him Sunday to figure it out and have groceries on hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel like a task manager and household employee. I’d like him to participate more in family life. I’d also like him to show more interest in us as a couple and not just housemates/parents (although he has plenty of interest in sex!)

But for example if I ask him to be more involved (or really involved at all) in meal planning and dinner prep and to please finish work in time to do this I basically get told that he way out earns me (true) and that he is the main dog walker (also true but why does that have to do with what I am asking?)

Treat it like an exchange. "I love being married to you and would like for our marriage to stay healthy. Let's each name one thing we'd like the other to change." Then ask him to plan and make dinner twice a week, and say you'll walk the dog. Then let him say what he'd like you to change. Then you'll both feel like you're being heard and getting something you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To the extent you delegate the task of meal planning and preparation you DO NOT get to dictate HOW the meals are planned or prepped. Your husband / kids might just order in.

+1 Delegate and Abdicate

[Anonymous]

So one parent provides nutritious homemade meals on their nights and the other parent picks up taco bell and that's supposed to make things better?

[Anonymous]

Why is bringing up income in the context of household responsibilities a dick move?

If she works outside of the home as much as he does but makes way less, that seems like an opportunity for her to do fewer hours working - because the household finances won't take so much of a hit - and reduce her overall workload.

If her lower income is a reflection of fewer hours worked outside the home, then its fair to consider that in terms of equitable overall workload.

That shouldn't be the whole discussion. I can totally see guys blowing off any concerns at all about equitable contributions to the household. (Sounds a lot like OP's husband is doing just that.) But I don't see why relative income is off limits entirely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is bringing up income in the context of household responsibilities a dick move?

If she works outside of the home as much as he does but makes way less, that seems like an opportunity for her to do fewer hours working - because the household finances won't take so much of a hit - and reduce her overall workload.

If her lower income is a reflection of fewer hours worked outside the home, then its fair to consider that in terms of equitable overall workload.

That shouldn't be the whole discussion. I can totally see guys blowing off any concerns at all about equitable contributions to the household. (Sounds a lot like OP's husband is doing just that.) But I don't see why relative income is off limits entirely.

Because it is a dick move. I work full time. I make more than my husband, and still do more at home. It never occurred to me to bring money into "division of labor" talks. One, even though he makes less, he is working hard and his job simply doesn't lend itself to working fewer hours. It's always men who feel that simply because they bring in a paycheck, they can do little or nothing at home.

[Anonymous]

don't be so extreme

[Anonymous]

Op, forget this blah blah blah about your feelings. Tweak how you do things. Put the teenagers to work. They should be helping you more. Some will some won't. A lot of it is personality. And also, you can't change your husband's personality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I feel like a task manager and household employee. I’d like him to participate more in family life. I’d also like him to show more interest in us as a couple and not just housemates/parents (although he has plenty of interest in sex!)

But for example if I ask him to be more involved (or really involved at all) in meal planning and dinner prep and to please finish work in time to do this I basically get told that he way out earns me (true) and that he is the main dog walker (also true but why does that have to do with what I am asking?)

It has a lot to do with what you're asking. You're saying you want him to do more, and suggesting meal planning and dinner prep. He's saying, his weekday contribution is earning more money, working more hours, and walking the dog. IE - he sees weekday meal planning and prep to be your job, and think that's a fair balance.

You might disagree, but from my seat, it's not an unreasonable response. And it makes more sense to consider household load holistically.

So, a reasonable response to him would be "I hear that you're in charge of the dog and that you work more hours and bring in more money, and I appreciate all those things. However, big picture, I feel that I'm taking on way more of the household load than you are, and I'd like to rebalance. My suggestion on how to do this was for you to take on more weekday meal planning and prep, but I'm open to other solutions."

The conversation could go in a bunch of directions from there. He might disagree that your load is uneven. In which case, I'd recommend you two write it out. What he does, what you do. She if you're missing things - there's always invisible things on both ends that are being quietly taken care of. Be open to being wrong. If it's that he agrees that you're unbalanced, but meal prep/planning isn't a good way for you to rebalance, as that's a busy/stressful time of day for him, maybe there's other ways to even things out. Listen, listen, listen.

If you can't get through to him, if it turns to personal attacks, if it feels like you're going in circles, it might make sense to take this to a marriage counselor. Honestly, this seems like a pretty classic communication problem to me - you're talking past each other.