Ds unhappy at college

[Anonymous]

He had a very good first semester, great grades, seemed happy enough, a couple friends though not many. He called me in tears today: says he feels so alone, misses his girlfriend (his high school girlfriend since junior year, she is a couple hours away at different college), he is so torn about pledging because his girlfriend is very against it and he doesn't see himself drinking so much like they do (he's a health conscious kid). I felt horrible for him and it's such a tough situation. His girlfriend is very nice so that's not the issue but I feel like he is putting so much focus on the relationship it's really prevented him focusing on his college life, and she is very jealous so gives him a hard time about going out. I encouraged him to look into the frats that are more community service focused, as well as clubs but he says those are not great because they don't meet that much. Does anyone have any input or encouragement?

[Anonymous]

They need to break up and he knows it, that's why he's upset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They need to break up and he knows it, that's why he's upset.

I think they should break up for both of their sakes but I doubt it is going to happen. I think the friend thing is really upsetting him but the reality of it is he was too focused on her the first semester and that led to him not prioritizing socializing on campus. In high school they were in the same activities (met doing same sport) so it was a non issue.

[Anonymous]

once he sleeps with another girl he will forget her.

High school relationships don't work out for most people in college que the I married my high school sweetheart people,

[Anonymous]

Be there to listen. He'll figure it out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be there to listen. He'll figure it out

I hope so but I am not so sure because he is caught between things that are just not compatible. A few days ago he was so optimistic about the frat thing. Dh and I figured he'd not join the intense ones but were looking forward to him just seeing what's out there. Today he sounded so horrible and I know he and his girlfriend have been arguing because she is so jealous, despite having zero to worry about because he is the most honest kid and not even interested in other girls at all. He just wants friends. I also cannot see him breaking up with her, or her with him. It's like they are stuck.

[Anonymous]

Other than frats, what groups has he joined? What are his non academic interests? He will be unhappy anywhere if he doesn't put himself out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They need to break up and he knows it, that's why he's upset.

I think they should break up for both of their sakes but I doubt it is going to happen. I think the friend thing is really upsetting him but the reality of it is he was too focused on her the first semester and that led to him not prioritizing socializing on campus. In high school they were in the same activities (met doing same sport) so it was a non issue.

This is precisely why (IMO) most kids should not head off to college with a Significant other. Break up, let each find their path at college, and if it's meant to be, they will come back to each other. But don't strap yourself down during fall freshman year to be "on the phone FaceTiming your SO" while everyone else is making friends, socializing and having fun. By January, many have already formed great groups of friends and it will be much more challenging to do so. Best time is in the fall when everyone is new and looking for friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than frats, what groups has he joined? What are his non academic interests? He will be unhappy anywhere if he doesn't put himself out there.

He goes to the gym a lot, fitness is really his big thing. He also is in a run club but that's not super active. And yes, I've told him to put himself out there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They need to break up and he knows it, that's why he's upset.

I think they should break up for both of their sakes but I doubt it is going to happen. I think the friend thing is really upsetting him but the reality of it is he was too focused on her the first semester and that led to him not prioritizing socializing on campus. In high school they were in the same activities (met doing same sport) so it was a non issue.

This is precisely why (IMO) most kids should not head off to college with a Significant other. Break up, let each find their path at college, and if it's meant to be, they will come back to each other. But don't strap yourself down during fall freshman year to be "on the phone FaceTiming your SO" while everyone else is making friends, socializing and having fun. By January, many have already formed great groups of friends and it will be much more challenging to do so. Best time is in the fall when everyone is new and looking for friends.

I know this and I agree!! Both dh and I told him many times he needs to immerse himself and not focus on her so much, and that she should do the same. Ideally they would have broken up already, but I can't tell him what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They need to break up and he knows it, that's why he's upset.

I think they should break up for both of their sakes but I doubt it is going to happen. I think the friend thing is really upsetting him but the reality of it is he was too focused on her the first semester and that led to him not prioritizing socializing on campus. In high school they were in the same activities (met doing same sport) so it was a non issue.

This is precisely why (IMO) most kids should not head off to college with a Significant other. Break up, let each find their path at college, and if it's meant to be, they will come back to each other. But don't strap yourself down during fall freshman year to be "on the phone FaceTiming your SO" while everyone else is making friends, socializing and having fun. By January, many have already formed great groups of friends and it will be much more challenging to do so. Best time is in the fall when everyone is new and looking for friends.

I know this and I agree!! Both dh and I told him many times he needs to immerse himself and not focus on her so much, and that she should do the same. Ideally they would have broken up already, but I can't tell him what to do.

This sounds like a parenting problem. Just take his phone away already, OP.





Sorry, couldn't resist the classic DCUM response.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like my DS when he came home from first winter break. He loved his roommate but didn’t have a big circle of friends. They decided together to rush at literally the last hour and he immediately regretted it. Well he went ahead and rushed and both he and his roommate pledged a fraternity that was very clear that they did not haze in the traditional sense. They joined and had a great experience. He graduated this year and the fraternity friends he made are still people he sees regularly, and lives with one. As a somewhat shy kid, I’m so thankful for that decision to rush. It has really helped him come out of his shell and he has lifelong friends.
He ended up breaking up with his long distance high school girlfriend Thanksgiving break of junior year, which really went on way too long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my DS when he came home from first winter break. He loved his roommate but didn’t have a big circle of friends. They decided together to rush at literally the last hour and he immediately regretted it. Well he went ahead and rushed and both he and his roommate pledged a fraternity that was very clear that they did not haze in the traditional sense. They joined and had a great experience. He graduated this year and the fraternity friends he made are still people he sees regularly, and lives with one. As a somewhat shy kid, I’m so thankful for that decision to rush. It has really helped him come out of his shell and he has lifelong friends.
He ended up breaking up with his long distance high school girlfriend Thanksgiving break of junior year, which really went on way too long.

Yes, he went to an event yesterday and the drinking/hazing thing was just a huge turn off for him. His friend did not seem to mind though bc he is really focused on getting into a "top" frat, so ds I think was feeling very upset about potentially losing this friendship. I did encourage him to still go to the rush event to check out all the frats so he can compare them and see if he can find a good fit. I really hope it works out for him the way it did for your ds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than frats, what groups has he joined? What are his non academic interests? He will be unhappy anywhere if he doesn't put himself out there.

He goes to the gym a lot, fitness is really his big thing. He also is in a run club but that's not super active. And yes, I've told him to put himself out there.

Is there a fitness club? A way to go to the gym with others? A club sport he can join?

[Anonymous]

My ds is sort of in same boat but he has been able to set better boundaries with his GF. It took encouragement from us. As in, no she doesn't get a say in your college social activities, etc. Can you encourage boundary setting?