Ds unhappy at college

[Anonymous]

GF is the problem and this will not fix til they break up.

His choice is he comes home and goes to community college or transfers to another four year university but not the one she is at. He must do all the work for the transfer or starting at CC.

This is a very common problem OP.

It is unfortunate and it sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Other than frats, what groups has he joined? What are his non academic interests? He will be unhappy anywhere if he doesn't put himself out there.

He goes to the gym a lot, fitness is really his big thing. He also is in a run club but that's not super active. And yes, I've told him to put himself out there.

Is there a fitness club? A way to go to the gym with others? A club sport he can join?

He does go with other guys sometimes. His high school sport has a club twice a week which he is considering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:GF is the problem and this will not fix til they break up.

His choice is he comes home and goes to community college or transfers to another four year university but not the one she is at. He must do all the work for the transfer or starting at CC.

This is a very common problem OP.

It is unfortunate and it sucks.

What? Why would he do that and how would that solve anything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like my DS when he came home from first winter break. He loved his roommate but didn’t have a big circle of friends. They decided together to rush at literally the last hour and he immediately regretted it. Well he went ahead and rushed and both he and his roommate pledged a fraternity that was very clear that they did not haze in the traditional sense. They joined and had a great experience. He graduated this year and the fraternity friends he made are still people he sees regularly, and lives with one. As a somewhat shy kid, I’m so thankful for that decision to rush. It has really helped him come out of his shell and he has lifelong friends.
He ended up breaking up with his long distance high school girlfriend Thanksgiving break of junior year, which really went on way too long.

Yes, he went to an event yesterday and the drinking/hazing thing was just a huge turn off for him. His friend did not seem to mind though bc he is really focused on getting into a "top" frat, so ds I think was feeling very upset about potentially losing this friendship. I did encourage him to still go to the rush event to check out all the frats so he can compare them and see if he can find a good fit. I really hope it works out for him the way it did for your ds.

Well if his friend is looking at a top house, they WILL haze. My DS’s was a lower house, but they are very close and he was very concerned about any hazing and they allayed his fears.

[Anonymous]

I would try to help him navigate rush. A house full of brothers can really open your eyes up to an unhealthy, jealous girlfriend. He sounds dependent on her. You have to step very carefully but I would do everything I could to break that up- just don’t let him know.

[Anonymous]

Let's look at it from his point of view.He loves his GF. He isn't happy at college. Dumping his GF isn't the solution of the problem. Hazing for a group of frat bros isn't the solution of the problem. He should do a trip to meet her. He should seek counseling at college. He should find an internship or a research assistant position, join clubs and volunteer to find productive work and sensible friends. Breaking up, dating and hookups could be even more challenging.

[Anonymous]

As someone who was prone to getting stuck on my boyfriends I think you can’t do much. It’s a personality thing, I think I was not very self assured and a bit anxious and sensitive. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for many of the boys who were in my league.
What would have helped is if I had more money, trendy stuff, more skills in fashion and makeup and all those things. Maybe you can set him up with a good hair stylist and shopping consultant? That would open access to more girls and hopefully he’ll get unstuck.
Another option would be to talk to him that jealous and controlling behavior is something to nip in the bud in a partner

[Anonymous]

All you can do is throw out some ideas and encourage your son to try to put himself out there. Then, it is up to him. Look at the Greek stats for your son’s school. If the % of Greek involvement is not that high, students are joining in other activities. Your DS doesn’t seem to be making an effort. Does he like his roommate or guys on his floor? Do they socialize, play video games etc? Has he figured out a roommate for next year? That should be a looming concern too.

As for the girlfriend, why is she calling the shots about his social life from 2 hours away? Without telling him what to do, ask pointed questions about this girl and her manipulating ways. Maybe he will see the light.

[Anonymous]

Why are we assuming GF is the problem. She is against hazing and frats, most sensible people are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As someone who was prone to getting stuck on my boyfriends I think you can’t do much. It’s a personality thing, I think I was not very self assured and a bit anxious and sensitive. I felt like I wasn’t good enough for many of the boys who were in my league.
What would have helped is if I had more money, trendy stuff, more skills in fashion and makeup and all those things. Maybe you can set him up with a good hair stylist and shopping consultant? That would open access to more girls and hopefully he’ll get unstuck.
Another option would be to talk to him that jealous and controlling behavior is something to nip in the bud in a partner

They are both very attractive and he's not worried about finding another girl: he just loves her! He's told her a million times she has nothing to worry about. All he wants is the ability to participate in things and make good friends. We did tell him her jealousy is a huge issue for both of them especially because in a long distance relationship (dh and I have the experience of that as we met in college and were away from each other for grad school) you have to trust each other or it's going to be miserable and a huge distraction from life and studies. All you can and should do is enjoy time together and keep good communication going, support each other and never hinder each other's ambitions and success.

So the issue about frats is absolutely mostly jealousy for her, because she has told him so. She is terrified he is going to find someone else. She also has an issue with the drinking but ds does too, and we do too! We told him very clearly about all the issues with hazing. It was obvious to him during the first event at this one frat that he's not going to join one of these "top frats", but there are many other frats (greek life is huge at his college) which are much less focused on drinking and could be a good fit so we think it's important for him to check them all out and see for himself. And if none are appealing, then he can focus even more on clubs.

[Anonymous]

Good Luck with things. We went through things with my DS his freshman year - everything similar but without the jealous girlfriend.

He was going to rush first semester and started to do so, but then decided not to continue. Unfortunately, he was not able to do so 2nd semester which really set him up for a poor semester. We should have been more aware as parents, but we weren't.

He ended up dropping 3 of 5 classes and is home now working and going to community college. It's working out ok, but I realize now we would have been more supportive when he was struggling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good Luck with things. We went through things with my DS his freshman year - everything similar but without the jealous girlfriend.

He was going to rush first semester and started to do so, but then decided not to continue. Unfortunately, he was not able to do so 2nd semester which really set him up for a poor semester. We should have been more aware as parents, but we weren't.

He ended up dropping 3 of 5 classes and is home now working and going to community college. It's working out ok, but I realize now we would have been more supportive when he was struggling.

Why did he drop classes? Was he doing poorly the whole year?

[Anonymous]

He needs to dump gf. A friend's ds was in a similar situation and his social life at college was really limited because of his jealous gf (she even followed him to same school). Well, once they graduated she dumped him! He could have dated other women and made more friends while in college rather than stay in a dysfunctional relationship that ended when it no longer suited the gf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are we assuming GF is the problem. She is against hazing and frats, most sensible people are.

If it were the bf telling her not to pledge a sorority because of drinking and hazing, people would scream he was controlling her.

[Anonymous]

He seems too tethered to you both: you Op and the girlfriend. Hopefully he will emerge a stronger, more independent individual and more confident in knowing his own mind.

Remind him of all that's going well. Listen.