Ds unhappy at college

[Anonymous]

Ask him if his girlfriend is helping him grow or if she is restricting him. Ask him if he thinks she trusts him enough, if their relationship has a solid foundation not of need but of mutual support and respect and encouragement. Ask him if he feels free to make his own decisions, even after a mature discussion with his GF in which they don’t agree.

He needs to join more clubs and activities. What’s his major? Are there clubs relevant to that?

[Anonymous]

Is he an adult or a child. If he is 18+ then stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if his girlfriend is helping him grow or if she is restricting him. Ask him if he thinks she trusts him enough, if their relationship has a solid foundation not of need but of mutual support and respect and encouragement. Ask him if he feels free to make his own decisions, even after a mature discussion with his GF in which they don’t agree.

He needs to join more clubs and activities. What’s his major? Are there clubs relevant to that?

Every now and then a DCUM poster delivers solid advice. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Other than frats, what groups has he joined? What are his non academic interests? He will be unhappy anywhere if he doesn't put himself out there.

This. Putting aside that he needs to break up with her (he does)…he needs to figure himself out and get a life. If he doesn’t actually think a frat would be fun he shouldn’t just join one because it’s the easy option. Maybe he should get a job.

[Anonymous]

Are you dad?
Anyways, he needs to drop the girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He had a very good first semester, great grades, seemed happy enough, a couple friends though not many. He called me in tears today: says he feels so alone, misses his girlfriend (his high school girlfriend since junior year, she is a couple hours away at different college), he is so torn about pledging because his girlfriend is very against it and he doesn't see himself drinking so much like they do (he's a health conscious kid). I felt horrible for him and it's such a tough situation. His girlfriend is very nice so that's not the issue but I feel like he is putting so much focus on the relationship it's really prevented him focusing on his college life, and she is very jealous so gives him a hard time about going out. I encouraged him to look into the frats that are more community service focused, as well as clubs but he says those are not great because they don't meet that much. Does anyone have any input or encouragement?

He has too much time on his hands. He needs to bury himself in work so he meets people - either through a regular job or a department job. The department jobs look better on CVs. I did this and made very good friends. We’d go out after work, rock climbed together, hiked, etc. none of us were
big drinkers. This is after I didn’t feel I connected with the sorority girls. I wasn’t for me and might not be for your son either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if his girlfriend is helping him grow or if she is restricting him. Ask him if he thinks she trusts him enough, if their relationship has a solid foundation not of need but of mutual support and respect and encouragement. Ask him if he feels free to make his own decisions, even after a mature discussion with his GF in which they don’t agree.

He needs to join more clubs and activities. What’s his major? Are there clubs relevant to that?

Actually he needs to figure this out without mommy and daddy. He’s an adult. Were you overbearing and he’s replaced one controlling person for another. If so, he will do this forever unless yo give him space to grow out of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ask him if his girlfriend is helping him grow or if she is restricting him. Ask him if he thinks she trusts him enough, if their relationship has a solid foundation not of need but of mutual support and respect and encouragement. Ask him if he feels free to make his own decisions, even after a mature discussion with his GF in which they don’t agree.

He needs to join more clubs and activities. What’s his major? Are there clubs relevant to that?

Actually he needs to figure this out without mommy and daddy. He’s an adult. Were you overbearing and he’s replaced one controlling person for another. If so, he will do this forever unless yo give him space to grow out of you.

Most parents these days are more open to their kids sharing emotions and have fostered good communication. When my dh was depressed (actually depressed) in college, he confided in his parents who told him he needed to suck it up or he had to switch to community college. That was the end of that. So when kids share, is it good to not listen? When they ask for advice, do you not give it? Because in families, with friends, that's all a pretty normal dynamic for adults. And yes, obviously not the same as saying you must do x, y and z or being the one reaching out to give unsollicited opinions.

[Anonymous]

Well, telling a depressed kid to suck it up or switch to community college isn't a good advice but great that it worked out for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, telling a depressed kid to suck it up or switch to community college isn't a good advice but great that it worked out for him.

It really did not. He felt more depressed and more alone and had a tough time until junior year. It also really shaped his relationship with his parents and made it all very superficial.