What do I do if I suspect domestic abuse?
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Anonymous
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I’m in a marriage that has functioned more like a business partnership for years, mainly focused on raising our two children. Since our first child was born, the relationship shifted, and for nearly a decade it’s been essentially sexless, with only a few exceptions.
Recently, I met a woman who was also married and told me she was in a similarly stagnant marriage. We grew close, and on two occasions had late-night phone calls. It never became a physical affair, but there were feelings involved, and we were emotionally crossing boundaries. Not long after, her husband—who is extremely controlling—called me out of the blue and confronted me. I told him the truth: nothing had happened beyond conversations and friendship. He refused to believe it and made bizarre and graphic accusations. A few weeks earlier, he had interrogated her about the condition of her underwear and accused her of cheating based on “more discharge than normal.” Meanwhile, she had started lying to me, saying she was separated, had filed for a domestic violence protective order, and had hired an attorney. I knew these weren’t true because the things she described didn’t line up—her “court dates” weren’t on the public docket, and some details she gave were clear violations of legal procedure. Her husband later discovered she was still reaching out to me, and he threatened to “expose” me. I told him I would pursue a defamation claim because his accusations were false and provably so. He then told his wife that I had admitted to sleeping with her. He also tried to hack her email and blamed it on me. At that point, it was obvious that staying in contact with either of them would only make things spiral further, so I cut ties entirely. They supposedly started counseling, but she kept trying to reach out — sending subtle signals on social media, asking mutual friends about me, even showing up at an event and trying to get my attention. I ignored her and told her I’d only reconnect if she committed to being 100% honest. A month later, I learned her situation had worsened significantly. Her husband has isolated her completely: she’s not allowed to see friends, talk to anyone, or have contact with her family. Her 9 year old child is now ordering her around and being unkind to her, which is uncharacteristic. Recently she was permitted to have lunch with a mutual friend, she begged the friend not to leave. Her husband required her to FaceTime him repeatedly and show him the entire restaurant. Her brother is currently in ICE detention, and her husband is “helping” by talking to the attorney — but she doesn’t know anything about what’s actually happening. There’s a real possibility he tipped off ICE, because he has always been afraid of her brother. I am worried she is now fully in an abusive, coercive, controlled situation now. And maybe my cutting off contact accelerated this! I’m not trying to have a relationship with her. But I’m terrified that if I turn away completely, I’m enabling or prolonging the abuse. I don’t know what the right thing to do is. |
Anonymous
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Oof. So, I was the woman in this situation years ago. There are really only 3 paths you can take:
1. Cut off all contact with her. ALL. Never look her up, block her everywhere, and walk away (this is what my EA partner did. And yes, you are having an EA). 2. Tell her you will support her if she wants to leave him, unconditionally, whether she lies or not, but there is zero romantic future with you two. You make this extremely clear and you stick to it. Treat her the way you would if she was a female friend who was 20 years older and 200 pounds heavier. No more emotional affair. 3. You ride in as the knight in shining armor and rescue her. Which means you now agree to take her into your home, take her as your responsibility, along with any kids she has. Unconditionally. Whether or not she’s honest. (This happened to a friend of mine, he rescued her, they got married, and are very happy). The problem is you’re giving mixed signals. You’re EA, and while abuse is never okay, what you did was wrong (and I doubt you’re THAT concerned about her well being, because if you didn’t want her to be abused, you wouldn’t have given her H ammo to use against her). You’re cutting her off yet still somehow know all these things about her life, which shows you’re still interested. You’re telling her you’re not interested while having deep conversations late into the night. Pick one and stick with it. Personally, I’m happy my EA cut me off. I now recognize we would have ended up in yet another completely dysfunctional relationship. And I was strong enough to leave on my own. My friend, though, wasn’t strong enough to leave on her own and really needed to be rescued by someone who was willing to take her on as his responsibility. |
Anonymous
| Op, call the cops and stop getting in touch with her. You could be getting scammed here. Detach yourself and stop contacting her. |
Anonymous
You have the timeline mixed up. Yes of course I care about her. And I have cut off all contact, and I didn’t know she was in an abusive relationship until more recently. I cannot have a relationship with her, her lying crossed my values - telling me she had taken out a DVPO when in reality he was just on a business trip. Etc…no thank you. But not that I know the truth about her husband and that he has always been an abuser and is using this as a way to abuse and punish, of course I’m not ok with it. I just am afraid that any act to help her will only escalate his abuse more AND that I cannot trust that she would even want help…maybe she’s perfectly happy in her situation? They lies she told me about separating and filing for divorce, etc really make it tough to know what to do. She told this mutual friend that she felt that I’d abandoned her…but she also is “believing” her husbands lies that she knows are 100% false. It’s all very confusing as to what the right thing to is. |
Anonymous
| No one is “perfectly happy” in an abusive situation. Please. |
Anonymous
| Good luck with your affair. She’s cheating. |
Anonymous
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This is not your responsibility. You became involved due to vulnerabilities in yourself and your own marriage, but you did not create the monster that is her husband, or the dynamic in their marriage, and you can’t solve it. She’s the only one who can.
If your out if contact but still “terrified” and taking responsibility for her plight - are you codependent? An adult child of an alcoholic? What was life like in your family if origin? You’ve got some unpacking to do, but it’s not over the fence in their yard - it’s in your own. That is the only way to truly stop carrying her baggage - to focus on yourself and your own marriage and what you want out of life. So no - do not contact her or try to help. It’s not possible, and if it were, you are not the person to do it. And at this rate, it sounds like you could get yourself killed - he’s scary. |
Anonymous
| Meant - if you’re out of contact but still terrified ^^ |
Anonymous
| Her lying crosses your values? You are cheating on your wife! |
Anonymous
| Make sure she has a contact for a domestic violence hotline and an immigration attorney, and then get out completely. You can't do anymore without making things worse for her. |
Anonymous
You’re both married and engaged in an EA, and now you’re upset over her lying? You’ve both been lying. Cut it off and come clean to your wife. |
Anonymous
I understand this POV. But let’s be real, if OPs relationship with wife is as described, why cause more drama? In my opinion, this is bad advice. OP, just keep doing no context. Your exGF’s husband sounds like a classic coercive abuser, and you’ll literally only make her life worse if you try to help. If she manages to escape, then you can offer support. But she will always feel you abandoned her, even though you’re actually doing the best thing for her. Get over it. Suck it up, that you’re actually showing your care for her, even if it feels bad. |
Anonymous
No Contact* |
Anonymous
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Stay out of it for both of your own good.
No contact with her. She has plenty of other people in her life who can help her. You are a big trigger to her unstable husband, and who knows what might cause him to snap. Find another friend |
Anonymous
Sorry, I meant don't find another friend. You and she were both cheating. Cheating causes destruction |