Reply to What do I do if I suspect domestic abuse?

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "What do I do if I suspect domestic abuse?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Oof. So, I was the woman in this situation years ago. There are really only 3 paths you can take:

1. Cut off all contact with her. ALL. Never look her up, block her everywhere, and walk away (this is what my EA partner did. And yes, you are having an EA).

2. Tell her you will support her if she wants to leave him, unconditionally, whether she lies or not, but there is zero romantic future with you two. You make this extremely clear and you stick to it. Treat her the way you would if she was a female friend who was 20 years older and 200 pounds heavier. No more emotional affair.

3. You ride in as the knight in shining armor and rescue her. Which means you now agree to take her into your home, take her as your responsibility, along with any kids she has. Unconditionally. Whether or not she’s honest. (This happened to a friend of mine, he rescued her, they got married, and are very happy).

The problem is you’re giving mixed signals. You’re EA, and while abuse is never okay, what you did was wrong (and I doubt you’re THAT concerned about her well being, because if you didn’t want her to be abused, you wouldn’t have given her H ammo to use against her). You’re cutting her off yet still somehow know all these things about her life, which shows you’re still interested. You’re telling her you’re not interested while having deep conversations late into the night.

Pick one and stick with it. Personally, I’m happy my EA cut me off. I now recognize we would have ended up in yet another completely dysfunctional relationship. And I was strong enough to leave on my own. My friend, though, wasn’t strong enough to leave on her own and really needed to be rescued by someone who was willing to take her on as his responsibility. [/quote]

You have the timeline mixed up. Yes of course I care about her. And I have cut off all contact, and I didn’t know she was in an abusive relationship until more recently.

I cannot have a relationship with her, her lying crossed my values - telling me she had taken out a DVPO when in reality he was just on a business trip. Etc…no thank you. But not that I know the truth about her husband and that he has always been an abuser and is using this as a way to abuse and punish, of course I’m not ok with it. I just am afraid that any act to help her will only escalate his abuse more AND that I cannot trust that she would even want help…maybe she’s perfectly happy in her situation? They lies she told me about separating and filing for divorce, etc really make it tough to know what to do. She told this mutual friend that she felt that I’d abandoned her…but she also is “believing” her husbands lies that she knows are 100% false.

It’s all very confusing as to what the right thing to is.[/quote]

You’re both married and engaged in an EA, and now you’re upset over her lying? You’ve both been lying.

Cut it off and come clean to your wife. [/quote]

I understand this POV. But let’s be real, if OPs relationship with wife is as described, why cause more drama? In my opinion, this is bad advice.

OP, just keep doing no context. Your exGF’s husband sounds like a classic coercive abuser, and you’ll literally only make her life worse if you try to help. If she manages to escape, then you can offer support. But she will always feel you abandoned her, even though you’re actually doing the best thing for her.

Get over it. Suck it up, that you’re actually showing your care for her, even if it feels bad.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics