Narc ex - 2am rage texts. Make it stop?

[Anonymous]

I’d appreciate any pointers from the BTDT crowd. I’ve been divorced from my narc ex for almost 4 years. We were doing well in our general coparenting relationship especially for the last 6 mos. But in the last several weeks I’ve started receiving 2am-ish screeds about whatever he thinks he’s making the last and best point on. He did this while we were in the divorce process and I’d get 31 (I kid you not) texts in the 2-3am time period. Yes, I muted him and did the things. I know that my boundaries with him are like goals to him, but I have legit trauma related to just seeing his name in my messages app, even if the content is seemingly innocuous (never is). Is there any point in just saying “don’t text me in the middle of the night”? It sounds so simple, but I think it’s the reaction he wants, so I’ve just left him muted and choose to read and (not) respond when I feel like it. But the ‘non action’ on my part is also kinda driving me mad as well. (Also his intent)

Maybe I’m just looking for some validation here? I just don't understand why this many years out I’d still be some source for him.

[Anonymous]

You need to grey rock him to the greatest extent possible. The more boring you are, the better.

I would suggest getting a second phone/number. Forward all calls and messages from him automatically to that second number. When your child is with him, you can have it available in case there is an emergency. Every other minute, it’s muted and checked once a day if even that.

[Anonymous]

Mute your phone at night and don’t answer him until the morning. I don’t answer texts after 930pm. My friends and spouse know this.

[Anonymous]

Block his number. Use a coparenting app.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Block his number. Use a coparenting app.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Block his number. Use a coparenting app.

This. You may have to amend your parenting agreement to specify days and times when you will communicate about the kids. I literally had to tell my ex "I will speak to you on Tuesdays, via email, to discuss upcoming visitation logistics. During visitation, when you have the child, you can call or text me if there is an emergency. Any other communications should be sent to my attorney"

Breaking the rules and crossing the boundaries is part of the narc ex game. Don't play where it's hidden; use a court-approved co-parenting app and track all of that. Protective orders for harassment might be an option if he persists.

Sorry he sucks, OP.

[Anonymous]

Stop entertaining his texts at that hour.

[Anonymous]

I think you know this - he is mentally unwell, abusive and possibly on drugs or drunk.

Coparenting app sounds like a good idea. But you can also work with a therapist to figure out the lowest conflict ways to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop entertaining his texts at that hour.

I don’t think OP is responding or even looking at them at that hour. I think it’s about waking up and seeing a wall of texts on the phone from the middle of the night.

[Anonymous]

Mute his number and don’t look at his texts until you feel like it.

Better yet, insist all communication must be done through a parenting app.

If you are still being drawn in to convos and arguments with him, then you need to address why you are unwilling to change your behavior.

[Anonymous]

Never ever ever respond! He wants to know he can still control you.

Talk to your attorney about getting a coparenting communication app like My Family Wizard. Very important you do NOT bring it up with your ex yourself. You need to talk to your attorney to see what evidence they need to get a court order to use an app. Then your attorney sends it to his attorney.

He gets zero access to you unless it’s an emergency.

[Anonymous]

Change his name in your phone to “annoying sperm donor” or something else that makes you laugh. Turn off notifications. If his rants aren’t actionable (about coparenting or something related to the divorce) don’t respond. It’s okay to ignore his texts.

[Anonymous]

His number is put on Do Not Disturb during your sleeping hours, correct? Who care what time of the night he contacts you, the point is, you're not disturbed.

Also, you never respond unless it's an urgent matter about the kids, right?

You need to learn to detach emotionally. I know it's hard. My husband had to do that for his bipolar father, who could start yelling in a fit of rage at the drop of a hat. I have to do that for my mother, who is... batshit crazy.

[Anonymous]

He sounds like such a loser.

Change the name you have him listed as under your contacts. Try “Douchecanoe” or “Loser” or “Turd Blossom”—something that makes you laugh.

Do not tell him to stop texting you. That will let him know that he’s bugging you. You can at most tell him you are very worried about his mental health, since texting you a bajillion times at 2:00 am is not normal.

If you don’t let him bug you, you win. You have set up boundaries and controls. Do not respond to anything that isn’t about the kids. Do not respond the next morning unless it’s urgent. Take your time. Be brief and write every text message as if a custody judge is going to read it. Repeatedly congratulate yourself on getting divorced from this garbage. Know that in X number of years, even if now it seems like a lot, you will be completely done with him and never have to interact with him again.

Make sure your kid(s) is getting the therapy and tools they need in order to deal with having this guy as their dad.

[Anonymous]

OP here thank you for all of the replies. We were in a coparenting app, not required in our agreement, but he basically declared that we don’t need it. I have don’t the renaming, silencing, not responding pieces. He went back to his old habits after quite a while of seemingly normal behavior. I only respond to kid related things. I let the rants hang un answered.

I appreciate the piece about not telling him that I don’t appreciate his middle of the night texts. It would give him “power”. Yes, of course he is drunk when he is doing that. I just wish I could figure out how to detach already! It is just so frustrating. I guess I’ll just vent about it here.