Giving "space" while going through a rough patch in a 20-yr marriage, am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

TL;DR: My husband has betrayed me in the past. We’ve struggled for a while due to his frequent travel and repeated arguments about him feeling I don’t show enough love and appreciation. It’s been hard for me to show up emotionally after the previous betrayal.

The last couple times he traveled, he went dark and even told me, “I don’t need to tell you where I am or any details until you show me love and respect.” That pushed me over the edge, and I told him I needed space. He’s been staying in a hotel.

I just found out he’s been hooking up with someone. His reasoning is that “space” means the marriage is essentially open. I never expressed that, never agreed to that, and never once considered seeing anyone else. In my mind, space meant distance while still respecting our vows.

We’ve been married 20 years, and I’m beyond disgusted and hurt. He insists that when couples take space, it should be okay to go outside the marriage.

Am I overreacting for feeling furious and betrayed by this?

[Anonymous]

Yoe are not overreacting. Your realtionship is really a mess. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

You are not overreacting. I am very sorry. He sounds like a total ahole.

[Anonymous]

I think this is beyond repair. It’s not that “space” has some universal meaning that everyone has to respect. It’s that you’re supposed to communicate with each other.

He has told you he doesn’t owe you basic check ins. He’s sleeping with other people. What’s it going to take? Have some self respect.

Do you have young kids?

If not, he’s already living in a hotel with a girlfriend so tbh just get on with your life. Get all your financial/legal ducks in a row. Go and do the things you enjoy. Build your own future. Let him file if he wants to or do it when you decide it’s time.

If you do have young kids, see a lawyer right away. If you decide the marriage is over, do your best to suppress all of your feelings about it and work collaboratively, but with a lawyer, until you get the best custody arrangement worked out for the kids.

[Anonymous]

I think we all argued on whether or not it was okay to sleep with someone else when Ross and Rachel were on a break. But I don’t think anyone would say that it was fine if they had been married for twenty years.

[Anonymous]

Oh gosh when I opened this thread I was not expecting a cheater so that tells you that you’re not overreacting OP. What kind of a man would jump to sleeping with another person just because their wife is upset? A STBX, that’s who.

[Anonymous]

Your marriage is over. Plan accordingly.

[Anonymous]

You accepted the past cheating so he thinks you’re ok with the current cheating. That’s on you.

[Anonymous]

OP here. We have 2 children (teenagers), so I've battled through the past situations to keep the family together. I'm realizing now that I was just delaying he inevitable.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t a rough patch. It is the end. And the hardest part is over - he moved out!

Congratulations- now you can move on a rebuild.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have 2 children (teenagers), so I've battled through the past situations to keep the family together. I'm realizing now that I was just delaying he inevitable.

Girl 🥸

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have 2 children (teenagers), so I've battled through the past situations to keep the family together. I'm realizing now that I
was just delaying he inevitable.

But why? Where is the prize to you or your children in keeping such a disrespectful husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TL;DR: My husband has betrayed me in the past. We’ve struggled for a while due to his frequent travel and repeated arguments about him feeling I don’t show enough love and appreciation. It’s been hard for me to show up emotionally after the previous betrayal.

The last couple times he traveled, he went dark and even told me, “I don’t need to tell you where I am or any details until you show me love and respect.” That pushed me over the edge, and I told him I needed space. He’s been staying in a hotel.

I just found out he’s been hooking up with someone. His reasoning is that “space” means the marriage is essentially open. I never expressed that, never agreed to that, and never once considered seeing anyone else. In my mind, space meant distance while still respecting our vows.

We’ve been married 20 years, and I’m beyond disgusted and hurt. He insists that when couples take space, it should be okay to go outside the marriage.

Am I overreacting for feeling furious and betrayed by this?

NEVER OK while married. You are not overreacting!

[Anonymous]

See a lawyer. ASAP. You deserve more. So do your kids. Good luck. Glad he has moved out. Do not ever sleep with him again.

[Anonymous]

Ma'am, you are common law divorced. Take the blinders off.