Giving "space" while going through a rough patch in a 20-yr marriage, am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Sounds like he's been emotionally manipulative for years.

Consult a divorce lawyer and get on with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:TL;DR: My husband has betrayed me in the past. We’ve struggled for a while due to his frequent travel and repeated arguments about him feeling I don’t show enough love and appreciation. It’s been hard for me to show up emotionally after the previous betrayal.

The last couple times he traveled, he went dark and even told me, “I don’t need to tell you where I am or any details until you show me love and respect.” That pushed me over the edge, and I told him I needed space. He’s been staying in a hotel.

I just found out he’s been hooking up with someone. His reasoning is that “space” means the marriage is essentially open. I never expressed that, never agreed to that, and never once considered seeing anyone else. In my mind, space meant distance while still respecting our vows.

We’ve been married 20 years, and I’m beyond disgusted and hurt. He insists that when couples take space, it should be okay to go outside the marriage.

Am I overreacting for feeling furious and betrayed by this?

Why are you surprised? He’s always cheated on you and is continuing to do so. People will treat you the way you allow them to.

[Anonymous]

He is gaslighting the heck out of you
The marriage is over. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

My xH was like this. The fact is that they want to cheat and they use whatever they can as an excuse.

I mean, my xH cheated while I was giving birth, and while we were driving 2 hours a day to see our DC in the NICU, and I kid you not, his excuse was “you can’t talk about the Hero’s Journey”.

Once you see they’re just men who are going to do whatever they want to do and manipulate you however they can, it gets a lot easier to leave. They have a severe character defect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have 2 children (teenagers), so I've battled through the past situations to keep the family together. I'm realizing now that I was just delaying he inevitable.

Don't blame yourself for trying. He's a cheater who puts the most convenient spin on things so he can keep cheating.

With a guy like that moving physically out of the house, I would have expected cheating again whether agreed to or not.

Cheating is obviously not the way to get more love and respect from a spouse.

Call it, knowing you did what you could.

[Anonymous]

Go do attorney consults right now, OP. Start calling today so you can have appointments set up for next week. Pull your financial documents and make sure you have at least $15k cash in an account in your name only to cover retainers and consults, plus access to ~6 months' living expenses that DH can't touch. Stay up late tonight to get it done if you have to- you could be served at any moment and you need to be prepared. I am divorcing from a version of a DH who is very similar to yours, and once they become defensive and impulsive you need to assume that anything can happen.

Your DH is an emotionally abusive loser.

[Anonymous]

You know the answer.

[Anonymous]

If you are in a one party consent state try to record the convo where he acknowledges stepping with another woman

[Anonymous]

Hang in there, OP. I’m sure you are tempted to move on, but there is nuance here, and please at least consider the children.

[Anonymous]

I always try to see things for their perspective before I make a decision about them. He is a selfish ahole and cannot be trusted. His perspective is abusive and without merit. I am sorry you are here and hope you are done with this soon.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there, OP. I’m sure you are tempted to move on, but there is nuance here, and please at least consider the children.

Where is the nuance?!?

[Anonymous]

Of course you aren’t overreacting. Dump this Mfer.

[Anonymous]

Move on, get the rest of your life back. Call lawyers today. Multiple until you find a good one that you are comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

He is a jerk and is slinging some bs gaslighting nonsense.

Time to split up, OP. Salvage the rest of your life. Don’t waste it on this trash.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there, OP. I’m sure you are tempted to move on, but there is nuance here, and please at least consider the children.

GTFO