Giving "space" while going through a rough patch in a 20-yr marriage, am I overreacting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there, OP. I’m sure you are tempted to move on, but there is nuance here, and please at least consider the children.

-10000000000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there, OP. I’m sure you are tempted to move on, but there is nuance here, and please at least consider the children.

Don’t listen to this bozo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there, OP. I’m sure you are tempted to move on, but there is nuance here, and please at least consider the children.

Where is the nuance?!?

Secure the kids' college funding before making the DH extremely angry.

[Anonymous]

Don’t fall prey to the sink cost fallacy. You need to get out. But you don’t need to do this tomorrow. See a lawyer and a financial planner. Figure out how you can protect yourself and your kids. This jackass will likely decide he doesn’t have to pay for college, etc.

Don’t get mad, get a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think this is beyond repair. It’s not that “space” has some universal meaning that everyone has to respect. It’s that you’re supposed to communicate with each other.

He has told you he doesn’t owe you basic check ins. He’s sleeping with other people. What’s it going to take? Have some self respect.

Do you have young kids?

If not, he’s already living in a hotel with a girlfriend so tbh just get on with your life. Get all your financial/legal ducks in a row. Go and do the things you enjoy. Build your own future. Let him file if he wants to or do it when you decide it’s time.

If you do have young kids, see a lawyer right away. If you decide the marriage is over, do your best to suppress all of your feelings about it and work collaboratively, but with a lawyer, until you get the best custody arrangement worked out for the kids.

This. Not everyone defines space the same way but his cheating or not cheating is not the point. Your marriage was over long before that. You never got over the previous betrayal and he was feeling hurt and unloved and unappreciated. Then you asked for space and he had to move out. What did you think was going to happen?

[Anonymous]

Op, how is your sex life? Is it still active or he is not getting anything from you? Trying to understand what he says about appreciation. What he is doing in gaslighting on important issues like this.

[Anonymous]

Get a divorce, move on. Change the locks, leave his crap outside and strip the bank accounts.

[Anonymous]

He is absolutely in the wrong and he knows that. He'd pull anything out of his ass to excuse his cheating, but that's what it is. Get an STD test, and get a lawyer and initiate divorce. You are better off alone with three cats than with this loser. Don't bother waiting until it's been 21 years.

[Anonymous]

"We were on an break!!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
His reasoning is that “space” means the marriage is essentially open. I never expressed that, never agreed to that, and never once considered seeing anyone else. In my mind, space meant distance while still respecting our vows.

You have a right to feel furious about it but I think he also has a right to feel how he feels. He was kicked out. You weren't showing him love and affection for a while it seems. How is he supposed to feel OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
His reasoning is that “space” means the marriage is essentially open. I never expressed that, never agreed to that, and never once considered seeing anyone else. In my mind, space meant distance while still respecting our vows.

You have a right to feel furious about it but I think he also has a right to feel how he feels. He was kicked out. You weren't showing him love and affection for a while it seems. How is he supposed to feel OP?

Cheater found this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
His reasoning is that “space” means the marriage is essentially open. I never expressed that, never agreed to that, and never once considered seeing anyone else. In my mind, space meant distance while still respecting our vows.

You have a right to feel furious about it but I think he also has a right to feel how he feels. He was kicked out. You weren't showing him love and affection for a while it seems. How is he supposed to feel OP?

Cheater found this thread.

NP. I’m a cheater and even I think this guy is an ahole.

[Anonymous]

This forum is full of mostly women who have been cheated on and are not over their anger. Take the comments with a grain of salt OP.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely not OP!

[Anonymous]

No you are not overreacting; you are married and giving each other space. You aren't divorced.

But ... you know what you have here. And it sounds like you have known exactly what you have here for a long time. Only you can decide what to do, but I'd be talking to an attorney in plans for divorce, and setting the date of separation for the divorce as the day he moved into the hotel for "space." You need a lot more space than this, as in "divorced" space.