Did you have a strained relationship with a parent, and now they are dead, but you still harbor resentment and anger?

[Anonymous]

My mother was an alcoholic, abusive (physically and emotionally), and not able to show love to her kids in fundamental ways. My parents were divorced and my father lived out of state and sort of forgot he had kids, so her being a better parent was kind of important. I moved many states away after college when I couldn't take her control-freak manipulation any longer and we never really had much of a relationship again. She died a few years ago and I'm still mad as hell at her. I wish I could let it go but even with therapy and anti-depressants, it's been so hard.

If you were in a similar situation in that you had a strained relationship with a parent for very obvious reasons (more than they just generally annoyed you, as parents can do) and you found a way to make peace with it at some point, I would love to know how you did that.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but it didn't send me to therapy and no doctor would describe me anything for my lousy childhood.
Moving away and staying away was enough to get better.
I do understand that times were different and staying single or getting a divorce wasn't easy.
My father had no business dating or marrying anyone.

[Anonymous]

You have to realize that your mom probably had her own shit she was dealing with and either wasn't ready or wasn't capable of being a parent. There's no test you have to take to procreate. Your mom's best was below par, and you suffered for it. It's not fair - life isn't. All you can do is make sure this isn't a cycle.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I had therapy and worked on the forgiveness part a lot, for my dad who died. It didn't help that he had an illness that kind of brought out the scary abusive side of him just before he died. I eventually got about halfway there. Pretty recently, I started going through my dad's things and piecing together his life. And I think it was then that I was finally able to forgive him completely and see him as a whole human being who went through a lot, overcame great odds (I mean like real trauma - abuse, war, being orphaned), and probably did the best he could.

I could not forgive my mom for a long time, mostly because she is still living and she re-triggers me on the regular. But I eventually got there too. I mean I'm over 50, so it just took a really long time.

It's ok to be on your own timeline. It's also helpful to know that forgiveness is not a gift to them. It's a gift to yourself. It's a weight off your shoulders. The anger and resentment is baggage you carry and it weighs on your soul, and it also robs you of the ability to take control over how your living parent's actions affect you. At the same time, I understand the attachment to that baggage. It's tied to some semblance of hope and wish that things were different. So it requires letting go of that hope.

[Anonymous]

No, I love my dysfunctional parents because they love me, albeit in their own weird way. But it doesn't mean I like them, or find our interactions pleasant. I have learned to distance myself and now they need my help, I do my best to try to separate their physical needs from their often infuriating behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Wow! God equalizes everything - but you can never win. It is two sides of the same coin.

If your parents were amazing - you live your life with the fear of losing them and don't recover when they are gone.

If your parents were POS - you have a terrible time with them but you don't suffer when they are gone.

Which would you choose?

[Anonymous]

Had one POS parent, dropped contact and recently found out they died. Totally fine with this. No therapy necessary. Happy to not have any surprise contact.

[Anonymous]

Yes my DH still harbors more anger than I do because of how my childhood impacted me. Negativity bias, fearful, controlling due to fear, etc,

[Anonymous]

Figure out how many years, months , days they made you miserable. Do something nice for yourself and think of “cancelling” out the bad time you had with new good times.,For example, my mother made ages 9-18 pretty bad so I’m going to have an amazing decade with not even thinking about her.

[Anonymous]

My mother died two months ago.

She told my youngest sister "vile" things I did.

Nope, never happened.

Now my sister, who by the way hated my mother for 40 years and felt a year ago she should "let go of her anger" and work to make a better relationship with our mother. Which, by the way, more of my sister being a narcissist and torturing my mother. During those 40 years, I supported my sister emotionally, and it was not easy, but she was my youngest sister, and I knew she had mental problems.

Fast forward, now my sister believes my mother, who lied.

I can even prove my mother lied because she wrote me a letter to tell me she was going to.

Luckily, I have a great family, in-laws, and fabulous friends.

[Anonymous]

I'm resentful of the living parent and I'm at peace because I'm justified to be resentful. It's a normal and healthy reaction after a lifetime of abuse. Let yourself be angry, resentful and bitter. Don't let yourself be intimidated by society's ideals that we *cannot* be angry at parents, especially mothers. After my dad died, I finally realized that I'm not responsible for either of them and it's not my job to fix them. My dad, when alive, compensated for my mom's behavior and once he died, it all fell apart. I'm also over 50. I live on a different continent and am low contact now. I of course moved away on purpose, out of self-preservation (on instinct when I was in my 20s). Distance and low contact heals neurological damage that these people do. Yes, I sometimes still get into a negative thought pattern when something reminds me of her and it triggers me... so I rant a bit in my head. Yes, I get triggered instantly by the phrase "But I'm your mother!" that I had to hear so many times. She never knew how to be one. I'm the mother now.

[Anonymous]

Wanted to add that "But I'm your mother!" is said in a certain tone of voice that the ones who have had to hear it know so well. Gives me shivers.

[Anonymous]

My father was terrifically abusive. Had an incredible list of vices. Philandering. Gambling. Violent. I was deemed a fat dumb and lazy loser. I went completely on my own at age 18, going to a highly competitive college and then graduate school. NCAA D 1 athlete on scholarship.

I completely disengaged from him and often went years at a time without thinking of him. Likely the best way to deal with the situation- I had more than enough going for me.

When he died four years ago (I did not find out until much later than his death) I oddly felt a need to get closure. Of course, no possibllity of closure so yet another opportunity to be reminded of how flawed he was. My closure is to be content with no closure. I have to remind myself how much he seethed with rage. He resented to a deep extent the education levels of my brother and me, just fitfully angry. Staying away and disengaged still makes sense even after his death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My father was terrifically abusive. Had an incredible list of vices. Philandering. Gambling. Violent. I was deemed a fat dumb and lazy loser. I went completely on my own at age 18, going to a highly competitive college and then graduate school. NCAA D 1 athlete on scholarship.

I completely disengaged from him and often went years at a time without thinking of him. Likely the best way to deal with the situation- I had more than enough going for me.

When he died four years ago (I did not find out until much later than his death) I oddly felt a need to get closure. Of course, no possibllity of closure so yet another opportunity to be reminded of how flawed he was. My closure is to be content with no closure. I have to remind myself how much he seethed with rage. He resented to a deep extent the education levels of my brother and me, just fitfully angry. Staying away and disengaged still makes sense even after his death.

Wonderful. He sounds like a BPD. Look up Out of the fog website. Happy that you grayrocked him. You did the right thing and I am in awe of you that you did this on your own. I am incredibly happy for you. You saved yourself!! I am also glad he died an unhappy person. May he never be reborn again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
It's ok to be on your own timeline. It's also helpful to know that forgiveness is not a gift to them. It's a gift to yourself. It's a weight off your shoulders. The anger and resentment is baggage you carry and it weighs on your soul, and it also robs you of the ability to take control over how your living parent's actions affect you. At the same time, I understand the attachment to that baggage. It's tied to some semblance of hope and wish that things were different. So it requires letting go of that hope.

OP here. This is why I'm trying to let it go, to give the gift to myself of unburdening myself from the anger and resentment.

In many ways, and for 30-ish years, the anger I have has felt protective. I've been angry enough to know that I never wanted to go back to a relationship with her and that protected me from any more of her abuse and BS. I think this perspective is making it hard for me to let go of it now. I don't need it anymore, because she's dead, but it's still hard to just stop.

Another PP said that their parent had a tough life themselves. I know that my mother did too, and she passed that right along to her own kids. I am not that mother because I have spent YEARS in therapy and have put a lot of intentional effort into being a better parent than the one I had. She could have done the same, but she put no thought or work into it, as far as I could tell. As long as she had vodka, she was good, I guess. Pretty crappy.

For many years I would have said things that others have shared here. I felt good about choosing to put some distance between us, to sever the relationship, to go live my best life and not look back, and I pushed a lot of feelings down deep. I thought I had it all under control but over the last two years (which is about 5 years after she died) it's really been on my mind and stressing me out for reasons I can't quite understand. Maybe because my son has entered the teen years and that's when my mother was at her all-time worst so I'm remembering how bad it was for me while I'm here trying to make the teen years great for my kid (overcompensation, for sure).

I appreciate the comments from everyone.