Divorce in Early 40s
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Anonymous
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Hi,
I am a mom of two girls (3 and 7), my husband and I have been fighting for years off and on, and it’s getting worse as each year goes by…. We got married after knowing each other for 6 months in 2012, and unfortunately we never developed deep personal connection. I don’t feel like he is my best friend or concerned with my feelings. He is not putting an effort, although I’ve been very flexible and tolerant. For years, I’ve been reaching out to talk, to go to therapy, however he is not interested. I recently started to say “No” to sex, and we can go for weeks without talking (unless it’s about kids). To him, I am just nagging and making noise when I am trying to express my feelings… What has been holding me back from divorce: 1) He currently makes around $130k, I make around $320k (not because he is not career driven or wants me to support him, but due to his late arrival to US and getting US education later than I did). It does put a lot of pressure on me as I am the one who takes care of all finances (he takes care of vacation home with $200k mortgage), kids’ activities, Dr appointments, kids when they are sick, etc. I have a lot of responsibilities at work, but a little bit more flexibility. While he is in early stages of his career, and has less flexibility (he is turning 40 this year). 2) He is a good dad, he helps with pick up and drop off 2-3 times a week, he cooks well 1-2 times per week. 3) I am very attached to my kids, I don’t know how I can bare to be without them… 4) I like my lifestyle and I don’t want to pay alimony, seems a little unfair as I have always been the one who took care of kids while he was in college and then once he got the job and was building his career. 5) I don’t want to go thru emotional stress of divorce and separation. We have a paid off townhouse, new home $1.2M (downpayment $250k), and vacation home with the mortgage of $200k value $650k. I really would love to keep vacation home for kids, however I wouldn’t be able to maintain it. I am not sure whether he would agree to joint ownership with the title transfer to kids, once we pay it off. I am also not looking to split my 401K, there is a chance that he wouldn’t ask for alimony or my 401k, if I continue to cover all expenses for kids. From one side, I don’t want to continue accumulating wealth with someone who doesn’t give a f… about my well-being and feelings… he is very judgy, holds grudge, tense, hard to make happy, etc… From the other side, I want my kids to have both mom and dad… Any thoughts? Advice? |
Anonymous
| I wait med til my 60s for the children. Wish I’d done it in my 40s or even early 50s. |
Anonymous
| You will be paying tons of alimony |
Anonymous
It’s really unfair, since I am the one who supported him thru college and we took care of kids 65/35%. Kids always need mom, at least when they are 3 and 7, and they are both girls. |
Anonymous
| These are not great reasons to put your kids through the trauma of a broken home. There are a lot of polite lies about this (“better to see mom happy!”) but the reality is ugly. Dad’s rotating new girlfriends, blended families, lack of stability shuffling btw houses. |
Anonymous
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I tried to wait it out. I was in a very different situation and had been forced out of my equal paying career and we had a literal $1m difference between our salaries, with ex as the high earner. He was originally just tense, grouchy, etc like yours but slowly that evolved into mean and then clearly mentally ill. And the little he did with the kids dwindled down to nothing because his job always came first.
I thought I could make it until at least the oldest was 18. But then DH filed out of the blue after a major promotion that made our split assets and savings look like nothing. If you can I would try a post-nup and I would also think about whatever I could do to avoid upsizing any real estate holdings. We had just bought a new, more expensive house before exDH filed and it will never sell and most of my liquidity is stuck in it. |
Anonymous
So, how do you have sex with someone, you are not interested in? This is like waiting for a bomb to explode, him or me meeting someone and divorce becoming ugly…. Also, once we are together for 20 years, I would owe him alimony for life ( VA law). |
Anonymous
How much is your house? It’s hard to believe with $1M difference in salary, he has no other holdings… I heard of you are together for 20 years or more in VA/MD, and your partner makes at least twice more, you would get alimony for life. |
Anonymous
So many people are saying they knew at 40, went thru it at 60 and wish they did it earlier…. |
Anonymous
Welcome to the table! It’s been this way for men always. Why should it be any different for women? |
Anonymous
Because men are usually not the ones who take care of kids in addition to building their career. As I mentioned it is 65% on me to take care of kids on a daily basis. I am the one who keeps track of their activities, schedule their activities, do 70% of pick up and drop off, sleep with them and take care of them when they are sick… My husband is not a stay home dad… he has been going to college and then building his career, while I was taking care of kids 65% of time and advancing as well… |
Anonymous
No, girls don’t need a mom. Fathers can be excellent parents. |
Anonymous
Agree, it does though depend on father’s involvement, our dad is focused on building his career at this point of his life versus leveraging career and knowledge he built over the past 15-18 years like I did. He is a senior consultant with zero flexibility at his job. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry but in this situation I would stay. And get individual and couples therapy. And make him do more work on the home |
Anonymous
| He's not abusive and a good dad ad cooks well multiple times per week? Consider keeping him. As far as wealth accumulation goes, you could discuss (demand?) a post-nup. |