Divorce in Early 40s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not great reasons to put your kids through the trauma of a broken home. There are a lot of polite lies about this (“better to see mom happy!”) but the reality is ugly. Dad’s rotating new girlfriends, blended families, lack of stability shuffling btw houses.

So many people are saying they knew at 40, went thru it at 60 and wish they did it earlier….

Eh, they have know way of knowing it would have been better. Lots of problems come from divorcing in your 40s with young kids. If you are in a relatively conflict free marriage and they are a good parent- it’s better for your kids to stay married. Perhaps not better for your dating life- but which is more important?

If by dating life you mean casual sex, sure.

The chances of her finding a decent divorced guy for a long term relationship are slim. The good ones are already taken.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Therapy for yourself first.
2. If he's a good dad, then perhaps you both can negotiate/settle custody amicably.
3. I would caution waiting because if you are already not talking to each other when you're in the house, your kids as they get older will pick up on the tension, if they haven't already. That is not healthy. If you can turn this into a low-conflict parenting marriage, that's one thing, and I would have gone for that in my situation, but there was abuse in mine, so it wasn't an option. But if you are fighting on and off, your kids will notice. Then it's better to settle apart. You can make it so you see the kids most days.

Thank you, I am already in therapy. I don’t think it’s just the communication… for my 40th birthday, I wanted to go out of country to resort, kids were 1.5 and 5, but he wanted to do Airbnb since it’s more exciting and fun… We had two little kids, relaxing at the resort would be the right option… and it was for my birthday… anyways, I couldn’t get him to agree to an all inclusive, so we ended up not going. For my big promotion at work, I organized a party, when I asked my hubby to help, he said that I am not allowing him to eat and acted like a guest versus a host… while I was organizing games, etc. When my youngest daughter was having anaphylactic reaction, he argued with me about calling 912 hoping Zyrtec would work, he only apologized a year later… when I am sick and stressed bc of work, he won’t comfort me, so I feel like I have lots of responsibilities and zero help or consideration for my well being…

This is nonsense. Grow up OP. And I say this for your own good. Call 911 without asking his permission. If my kid were in danger, I'd call without glancing in my spouse's direction, and he would do same.

Do you have girlfriends? Call them when you are stressed. Thay's what girlfriends are for. It sucks he is not attentive when you are sick. This is the only real complaint you have in that write- up of yours.

Let him pick the damn vacations if he is so picky. And you can book some vacations with your friends if he is not interested. You are not conjoined twins. As for the kids, they are too young to care either way, so they will be happy anywhere you take them. Hire sitters, have fun with girlfriends.

Lower your expectations. Throw money at the problems and be happy!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be paying tons of alimony

It’s really unfair, since I am the one who supported him thru college and we took care of kids 65/35%. Kids always need mom, at least when they are 3 and 7, and they are both girls.

Welcome to the table! It’s been this way for men always. Why should it be any different for women?

Because men are usually not the ones who take care of kids in addition to building their career. As I mentioned it is 65% on me to take care of kids on a daily basis. I am the one who keeps track of their activities, schedule their activities, do 70% of pick up and drop off, sleep with them and take care of them when they are sick… My husband is not a stay home dad… he has been going to college and then building his career, while I was taking care of kids 65% of time and advancing as well…

DP.

This does not make any sense. You chose a man who earned much less than you did. You got into this with your eyes wide open. Now you have what you wanted ( kids), and you want to eat your cake and have it too.

You knew there was a chance your marriage would end in divorce and still chose to have kids with someone you'd have to support if the marriage ended.

If money is that important to you, marry at your income level.

When we met in 2012, I was waking $40k, he was making the same…. I never thought of career projector over the next 15 years…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Therapy for yourself first.
2. If he's a good dad, then perhaps you both can negotiate/settle custody amicably.
3. I would caution waiting because if you are already not talking to each other when you're in the house, your kids as they get older will pick up on the tension, if they haven't already. That is not healthy. If you can turn this into a low-conflict parenting marriage, that's one thing, and I would have gone for that in my situation, but there was abuse in mine, so it wasn't an option. But if you are fighting on and off, your kids will notice. Then it's better to settle apart. You can make it so you see the kids most days.

Thank you, I am already in therapy. I don’t think it’s just the communication… for my 40th birthday, I wanted to go out of country to resort, kids were 1.5 and 5, but he wanted to do Airbnb since it’s more exciting and fun… We had two little kids, relaxing at the resort would be the right option… and it was for my birthday… anyways, I couldn’t get him to agree to an all inclusive, so we ended up not going. For my big promotion at work, I organized a party, when I asked my hubby to help, he said that I am not allowing him to eat and acted like a guest versus a host… while I was organizing games, etc. When my youngest daughter was having anaphylactic reaction, he argued with me about calling 912 hoping Zyrtec would work, he only apologized a year later… when I am sick and stressed bc of work, he won’t comfort me, so I feel like I have lots of responsibilities and zero help or consideration for my well being…

This is nonsense. Grow up OP. And I say this for your own good. Call 911 without asking his permission. If my kid were in danger, I'd call without glancing in my spouse's direction, and he would do same.

Do you have girlfriends? Call them when you are stressed. Thay's what girlfriends are for. It sucks he is not attentive when you are sick. This is the only real complaint you have in that write- up of yours.

Let him pick the damn vacations if he is so picky. And you can book some vacations with your friends if he is not interested. You are not conjoined twins. As for the kids, they are too young to care either way, so they will be happy anywhere you take them. Hire sitters, have fun with girlfriends.

Lower your expectations. Throw money at the problems and be happy!

Thank you! I will try that… (if booking vacation was up to him, we would only go to our vacation house in VA).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Therapy for yourself first.
2. If he's a good dad, then perhaps you both can negotiate/settle custody amicably.
3. I would caution waiting because if you are already not talking to each other when you're in the house, your kids as they get older will pick up on the tension, if they haven't already. That is not healthy. If you can turn this into a low-conflict parenting marriage, that's one thing, and I would have gone for that in my situation, but there was abuse in mine, so it wasn't an option. But if you are fighting on and off, your kids will notice. Then it's better to settle apart. You can make it so you see the kids most days.

Thank you, I am already in therapy. I don’t think it’s just the communication… for my 40th birthday, I wanted to go out of country to resort, kids were 1.5 and 5, but he wanted to do Airbnb since it’s more exciting and fun… We had two little kids, relaxing at the resort would be the right option… and it was for my birthday… anyways, I couldn’t get him to agree to an all inclusive, so we ended up not going. For my big promotion at work, I organized a party, when I asked my hubby to help, he said that I am not allowing him to eat and acted like a guest versus a host… while I was organizing games, etc. When my youngest daughter was having anaphylactic reaction, he argued with me about calling 912 hoping Zyrtec would work, he only apologized a year later… when I am sick and stressed bc of work, he won’t comfort me, so I feel like I have lots of responsibilities and zero help or consideration for my well being…

This is nonsense. Grow up OP. And I say this for your own good. Call 911 without asking his permission. If my kid were in danger, I'd call without glancing in my spouse's direction, and he would do same.

Do you have girlfriends? Call them when you are stressed. Thay's what girlfriends are for. It sucks he is not attentive when you are sick. This is the only real complaint you have in that write- up of yours.

Let him pick the damn vacations if he is so picky. And you can book some vacations with your friends if he is not interested. You are not conjoined twins. As for the kids, they are too young to care either way, so they will be happy anywhere you take them. Hire sitters, have fun with girlfriends.

Lower your expectations. Throw money at the problems and be happy!

Thank you! I will try that… (if booking vacation was up to him, we would only go to our vacation house in VA).

I am rooting for you, OP!

[Anonymous]

When you have kids, it’s my feeling that it is your responsibility to put their happiness and well being first, over your own. At least until they are living independently away from you. Of course, there are instances where divorces is better for the children, but nothing you’ve given examples of meet that bar to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Therapy for yourself first.
2. If he's a good dad, then perhaps you both can negotiate/settle custody amicably.
3. I would caution waiting because if you are already not talking to each other when you're in the house, your kids as they get older will pick up on the tension, if they haven't already. That is not healthy. If you can turn this into a low-conflict parenting marriage, that's one thing, and I would have gone for that in my situation, but there was abuse in mine, so it wasn't an option. But if you are fighting on and off, your kids will notice. Then it's better to settle apart. You can make it so you see the kids most days.

Thank you, I am already in therapy. I don’t think it’s just the communication… for my 40th birthday, I wanted to go out of country to resort, kids were 1.5 and 5, but he wanted to do Airbnb since it’s more exciting and fun… We had two little kids, relaxing at the resort would be the right option… and it was for my birthday… anyways, I couldn’t get him to agree to an all inclusive, so we ended up not going. For my big promotion at work, I organized a party, when I asked my hubby to help, he said that I am not allowing him to eat and acted like a guest versus a host… while I was organizing games, etc. When my youngest daughter was having anaphylactic reaction, he argued with me about calling 912 hoping Zyrtec would work, he only apologized a year later… when I am sick and stressed bc of work, he won’t comfort me, so I feel like I have lots of responsibilities and zero help or consideration for my well being…

This is nonsense. Grow up OP. And I say this for your own good. Call 911 without asking his permission. If my kid were in danger, I'd call without glancing in my spouse's direction, and he would do same.

Do you have girlfriends? Call them when you are stressed. Thay's what girlfriends are for. It sucks he is not attentive when you are sick. This is the only real complaint you have in that write- up of yours.

Let him pick the damn vacations if he is so picky. And you can book some vacations with your friends if he is not interested. You are not conjoined twins. As for the kids, they are too young to care either way, so they will be happy anywhere you take them. Hire sitters, have fun with girlfriends.

Lower your expectations. Throw money at the problems and be happy!

Thank you! I will try that… (if booking vacation was up to him, we would only go to our vacation house in VA).

Omg. So what? You book the vacations. This is not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. Therapy for yourself first.
2. If he's a good dad, then perhaps you both can negotiate/settle custody amicably.
3. I would caution waiting because if you are already not talking to each other when you're in the house, your kids as they get older will pick up on the tension, if they haven't already. That is not healthy. If you can turn this into a low-conflict parenting marriage, that's one thing, and I would have gone for that in my situation, but there was abuse in mine, so it wasn't an option. But if you are fighting on and off, your kids will notice. Then it's better to settle apart. You can make it so you see the kids most days.

Thank you, I am already in therapy. I don’t think it’s just the communication… for my 40th birthday, I wanted to go out of country to resort, kids were 1.5 and 5, but he wanted to do Airbnb since it’s more exciting and fun… We had two little kids, relaxing at the resort would be the right option… and it was for my birthday… anyways, I couldn’t get him to agree to an all inclusive, so we ended up not going. For my big promotion at work, I organized a party, when I asked my hubby to help, he said that I am not allowing him to eat and acted like a guest versus a host… while I was organizing games, etc. When my youngest daughter was having anaphylactic reaction, he argued with me about calling 912 hoping Zyrtec would work, he only apologized a year later… when I am sick and stressed bc of work, he won’t comfort me, so I feel like I have lots of responsibilities and zero help or consideration for my well being…

Your man sounds like a downer. Probably also low key jelly of your success …

Honestly you two don’t sound compatible at all

Ugh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be paying tons of alimony

It’s really unfair, since I am the one who supported him thru college and we took care of kids 65/35%. Kids always need mom, at least when they are 3 and 7, and they are both girls.

I'm a woman and I paid a ton of alimony as well. Fairfax County had a calculator and didn't take into account that I did way more than he did and that the reason I made more was because I worked harder outside the house as well. It sucked.

[Anonymous]

What does your therapist think about all this? Have you confided in close friends that know you both? What do they think?

Lots of focus on you, and how YOUR life will change if divorced. Your kids are young. It is going to be 50-50 custody. Will you be happy with that? You sound like a type A who married a type B. Once divorced you'll have no control. Your happiness comes from within, not from another person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely consult with a lawyer and get their advice. Too late now but why did you marry so quickly?

Got married.
Saw the real husband
Had a kid.
Saw the real husband and father.
Had another kid.

What are we doing here?

[Anonymous]

You sounds rather selfish OP.

Work on yourself, and your marriage will improve by default.

[Anonymous]

You are not dealing with NT. figure out his problem and see if you can work and live with it.
My ex got worse as he aged and took himself out at some point. Behaved the way no sane person would. Imagine people giving me advice how to live with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You will be paying tons of alimony

It’s really unfair, since I am the one who supported him thru college and we took care of kids 65/35%. Kids always need mom, at least when they are 3 and 7, and they are both girls.

Life is unfair, love. It's only money.

Kids need both parents.

Here's what will happen: You will probably pay formulary alimony for a duration equal to half of the marriage. You will also pay significant child support until your children graduate from HS or turn 19, whichever happens first; assume 50/50 custody split as that is the norm. The house will probably be sold and assets split evenly.

Supporting him through college, etc., is irrelevant. Judge won't care.

You may not like what I'm telling you above, so I recommend spending the money to consult with an attorney and find out the facts.

[Anonymous]

If you've been married 13 years you may have to pay him alimony for half of that. But if you wait and get closer to 20 years married, then lifetime may kick in. So if you are going to leave, best to do it now.