Divorce in Early 40s

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:These are not great reasons to put your kids through the trauma of a broken home. There are a lot of polite lies about this (“better to see mom happy!”) but the reality is ugly. Dad’s rotating new girlfriends, blended families, lack of stability shuffling btw houses.

So many people are saying they knew at 40, went thru it at 60 and wish they did it earlier….

Eh, they have know way of knowing it would have been better. Lots of problems come from divorcing in your 40s with young kids. If you are in a relatively conflict free marriage and they are a good parent- it’s better for your kids to stay married. Perhaps not better for your dating life- but which is more important?

If by dating life you mean casual sex, sure.

The chances of her finding a decent divorced guy for a long term relationship are slim. The good ones are already taken.

Naw, There are good men and women at any age.

Many of the good ones get left by the bad spouses. Good ones don't leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I am a mom of two girls (3 and 7), my husband and I have been fighting for years off and on, and it’s getting worse as each year goes by…. We got married after knowing each other for 6 months in 2012, and unfortunately we never developed deep personal connection. I don’t feel like he is my best friend or concerned with my feelings. He is not putting an effort, although I’ve been very flexible and tolerant. For years, I’ve been reaching out to talk, to go to therapy, however he is not interested. I recently started to say “No” to sex, and we can go for weeks without talking (unless it’s about kids). To him, I am just nagging and making noise when I am trying to express my feelings…

What has been holding me back from divorce: 1) He currently makes around $130k, I make around $320k (not because he is not career driven or wants me to support him, but due to his late arrival to US and getting US education later than I did). It does put a lot of pressure on me as I am the one who takes care of all finances (he takes care of vacation home with $200k mortgage), kids’ activities, Dr appointments, kids when they are sick, etc. I have a lot of responsibilities at work, but a little bit more flexibility. While he is in early stages of his career, and has less flexibility (he is turning 40 this year). 2) He is a good dad, he helps with pick up and drop off 2-3 times a week, he cooks well 1-2 times per week. 3) I am very attached to my kids, I don’t know how I can bare to be without them… 4) I like my lifestyle and I don’t want to pay alimony, seems a little unfair as I have always been the one who took care of kids while he was in college and then once he got the job and was building his career. 5) I don’t want to go thru emotional stress of divorce and separation.

We have a paid off townhouse, new home $1.2M (downpayment $250k), and vacation home with the mortgage of $200k value $650k. I really would love to keep vacation home for kids, however I wouldn’t be able to maintain it. I am not sure whether he would agree to joint ownership with the title transfer to kids, once we pay it off. I am also not looking to split my 401K, there is a chance that he wouldn’t ask for alimony or my 401k, if I continue to cover all expenses for kids.

From one side, I don’t want to continue accumulating wealth with someone who doesn’t give a f… about my well-being and feelings… he is very judgy, holds grudge, tense, hard to make happy, etc…

From the other side, I want my kids to have both mom and dad…

Any thoughts? Advice?

First, put the money issues aside. If you're truly in a miserable marriage with an insufferable person, then you'll be happier without him, even if it means a lower standard of living.

Second, on the money: run the numbers. If you divorce today, what does that look like you'll pay out over the duration? Compare that with divorcing 10, 15, 20 years from now and splitting 50% of your assets (projected based on investments and additional earnings).

Third, I lived with someone like this. Now is the time to grow your life and community. Fill all those holes in your life right now with friends. Your husband shouldnt' be your best friend. Sometimes they are, but no freaking way does he need to be. Do things that make you happy. Book your own trips. Live, in your mind, how you would if you were divorced - just keeping your current lifestyle. Is that doable? BTW, I did that and then my exH had an affair because I was no longer available 24/7 for HIM. I never wanted this, but it's what I got. So if you're in a state where an affair can cancel alimony, maybe not a bad outcome for you. Especially if you aren't having the six.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you've been married 13 years you may have to pay him alimony for half of that. But if you wait and get closer to 20 years married, then lifetime may kick in. So if you are going to leave, best to do it now.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but in this situation I would stay. And get individual and couples therapy. And make him do more work on the home

+1. And sell the vacation house and hire more help. After all, you won't be able to keep the vacation house if you divorce.

There are so many downsides to divorce in this case and not many advantages. Your kids are very young, and you and this guy will still be in conflict while co-parenting as exes. You will have less money and less time with your kids.

Additionally, you will end up with no sex or with sex with a guy who is 10 times worse than the one you divorced (their wives divorced them for a reason too). Read a few more threads on here, and you will see that you have it good compared to a lot of the women thinking of divorce. Your DH will be an angel compared to your dating pool when you leave him.

OP, I can't say if divorce is right or wrong for you, but everyone I know that divorced in their 40's or early 50's seems happier and many have remarried. This doom and gloom is not the norm.

[Anonymous]

Cut your losses now and start over. I was separated for a year and reconciled and regret it most days. You have enough income to be able to provide support for yourself and the kids. The more wealth you accumulate the more you will have to give to your DH when you do finally split.

[Anonymous]

None of your examples are anything close to where I would even consider losing 50 percent time with my kids and every other consideration pales in comparison to that for me. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Loose your job, OP. Find a remote gig from home for $120K it's easy to justify it because you pull off the most weight with kids and husband is at work all the time. Plus the state of economy. In 2 years divorce, when it's your established new income level. You will recoup it in 5-6 years still better than paying alimony. My exH did this and ended up only paying CS by the formula

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry but in this situation I would stay. And get individual and couples therapy. And make him do more work on the home

+1. And sell the vacation house and hire more help. After all, you won't be able to keep the vacation house if you divorce.

There are so many downsides to divorce in this case and not many advantages. Your kids are very young, and you and this guy will still be in conflict while co-parenting as exes. You will have less money and less time with your kids.

Additionally, you will end up with no sex or with sex with a guy who is 10 times worse than the one you divorced (their wives divorced them for a reason too). Read a few more threads on here, and you will see that you have it good compared to a lot of the women thinking of divorce. Your DH will be an angel compared to your dating pool when you leave him.

OP, I can't say if divorce is right or wrong for you, but everyone I know that divorced in their 40's or early 50's seems happier and many have remarried. This doom and gloom is not the norm.

That's because everyone you know that divorce I rced in their 40s abd 50s divorced for good reason ( abuse, addiction, infidelity etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Loose your job, OP. Find a remote gig from home for $120K it's easy to justify it because you pull off the most weight with kids and husband is at work all the time. Plus the state of economy. In 2 years divorce, when it's your established new income level. You will recoup it in 5-6 years still better than paying alimony. My exH did this and ended up only paying CS by the formula

This is advice from an idiot.




They’ll look at her earnings over the marriage and say she’s “willfully under employed and use her ”

[Anonymous]

Average income to determine CS and alimony.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi,

I am a mom of two girls (3 and 7), my husband and I have been fighting for years off and on, and it’s getting worse as each year goes by…. We got married after knowing each other for 6 months in 2012, and unfortunately we never developed deep personal connection. I don’t feel like he is my best friend or concerned with my feelings. He is not putting an effort, although I’ve been very flexible and tolerant. For years, I’ve been reaching out to talk, to go to therapy, however he is not interested. I recently started to say “No” to sex, and we can go for weeks without talking (unless it’s about kids). To him, I am just nagging and making noise when I am trying to express my feelings…

What has been holding me back from divorce: 1) He currently makes around $130k, I make around $320k (not because he is not career driven or wants me to support him, but due to his late arrival to US and getting US education later than I did). It does put a lot of pressure on me as I am the one who takes care of all finances (he takes care of vacation home with $200k mortgage), kids’ activities, Dr appointments, kids when they are sick, etc. I have a lot of responsibilities at work, but a little bit more flexibility. While he is in early stages of his career, and has less flexibility (he is turning 40 this year). 2) He is a good dad, he helps with pick up and drop off 2-3 times a week, he cooks well 1-2 times per week. 3) I am very attached to my kids, I don’t know how I can bare to be without them… 4) I like my lifestyle and I don’t want to pay alimony, seems a little unfair as I have always been the one who took care of kids while he was in college and then once he got the job and was building his career. 5) I don’t want to go thru emotional stress of divorce and separation.

We have a paid off townhouse, new home $1.2M (downpayment $250k), and vacation home with the mortgage of $200k value $650k. I really would love to keep vacation home for kids, however I wouldn’t be able to maintain it. I am not sure whether he would agree to joint ownership with the title transfer to kids, once we pay it off. I am also not looking to split my 401K, there is a chance that he wouldn’t ask for alimony or my 401k, if I continue to cover all expenses for kids.

From one side, I don’t want to continue accumulating wealth with someone who doesn’t give a f… about my well-being and feelings… he is very judgy, holds grudge, tense, hard to make happy, etc…

From the other side, I want my kids to have both mom and dad…

Any thoughts? Advice?

First, put the money issues aside. If you're truly in a miserable marriage with an insufferable person, then you'll be happier without him, even if it means a lower standard of living.

Second, on the money: run the numbers. If you divorce today, what does that look like you'll pay out over the duration? Compare that with divorcing 10, 15, 20 years from now and splitting 50% of your assets (projected based on investments and additional earnings).

Third, I lived with someone like this. Now is the time to grow your life and community. Fill all those holes in your life right now with friends. Your husband shouldnt' be your best friend. Sometimes they are, but no freaking way does he need to be. Do things that make you happy. Book your own trips. Live, in your mind, how you would if you were divorced - just keeping your current lifestyle. Is that doable? BTW, I did that and then my exH had an affair because I was no longer available 24/7 for HIM. I never wanted this, but it's what I got. So if you're in a state where an affair can cancel alimony, maybe not a bad outcome for you. Especially if you aren't having the six.

This!
I was miserable in my marriage and started doing things to make me happy. Now, he is having an affair and I am planning an exit. I am uneasy because kids are going through major transitions -one just entered college and other just entered HS. It’s never a good time to leave the therapist says. There is no abuse and he is a good father, our salaries are other way around from yours. Try communicating and rebonding if you can,