Physical boundaries, tweens, and parents
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Anonymous
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I am going through a divorce with DH. He initiated it. We have kids including a tween DD and she does not want to be around DH. However, he insists that her feelings aren’t valid and he has been behaving weirdly during their visitation time. DD says that he does things like puts his arm around her and she says no and pulls away, and forces hugs on her, or opens doors that she has shut, and has even pulled covers off of her when she’s tried to hide in bed.
I have reported this information to my attorney and it sounds like DD has brought it up with her therapist. DH is on the autism spectrum and has always had trouble relating to our children as independent individuals and treats them as far younger than they are. He also has a weird sense of boundaries and struggles with picking up social cues. But DD is our oldest and only girl and I’m wondering what level of boundaries a child is “allowed” to set with a parent? I think that a child’s body is their own and they should never have to be touched by someone if they don’t give that person permission. DD says DH has been getting mad and mean when she sets boundaries or rejects his hugs. I’m deep in this divorce so I need input from parents of tweens and teens in “normal” family situations with “normal” DHs: am I overreacting, is my tween overreacting, or is DH’s behavior a cause for concern? My gut is saying this feels really off but I am also feel very protective of my kids because of everything DH has out them through. |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you don't want them to have a relationship. |
Anonymous
| Your ex sounds like a creep! I’d be so mad. What did your attorney say? |
Anonymous
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Everyone deserves body autonomy. It sounds like your ex behaves like a bratty child when your daughter wants space. As she pulls back he leans in and does things that intentionally bother her (and should bother anyone wanting to be left alone). The more he’s in her space the more and harsher she is going to react.
Is anyone in the family seeing a therapist? Has he always been a touchy feely person with the kids? |
Anonymous
Totally missed that your daughter told her therapist. What did the therapist say about her father’s behavior? |
Anonymous
No, he's not. He wants to be affectionate with his child and OP is finding a way to terminate their relationship. If Dad cannot hug, mom shouldn't be hugging either. |
Anonymous
| The things you are saying would cause me to be concerned. But what gives me pause is that your child reported them to a therapist who is a mandatory reporter and apparently the therapist is not concerned. And you reported them to your attorney who also doesn’t seem to be concerned. That does t make sense to me. |
Anonymous
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Not sure if it is helpful, but I would share some personal experiences. My DH and two kids are all on the spectrum. My DH is not affectionate to our kids physically, and I have been encouraging him to show them that he cares and loves them through words and hugs. I always want them to foster deeper father and son & father and daughter relationship. My son and my daughter are too affectionate with no sense of personal space and boundary to family members and outsiders. It takes me a lot of nagging since they were little that they cannot allow anybody to touch them, no changing in public, and close door using bathroom(even at home) etc.. My tween son tells me that he hugs me and put arms around me etc is the way to show that he loves me. He loves to sits close to me etc. I tell him that I love him too but he needs to be careful where his arms or body touch me because I am a mom and a woman as well. I don't want him to hug people around that cause people discomfort and he is not a little kid anymore. I am thankful that he does not randomly hugs his friends around . He rarely hugs his sister probably he finds her annoying sometimes. As a mom, I don't want him to be perceived as a creep. I have seen father kisses tween/adult daughters on the lips which is more gross.
Op, since your DH is on the spectrum, the putting arm around shoulder & constantly invading her personal space/privacy maybe is his way to show his love to his daughter. Your daughter has her rights to express how she feels and how she would rather want to be treated. Tween is sensitive age, and it is good that she shares her feeling with therapist. Divorce is a big thing, try not to distance father daughter relationship unless you have a more valid reason or proof. |
Anonymous
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Your DH feels not in control of the divorce proceedings so he's exercising control over any part of the family he can
That's very problematic when you have a tween who naturally pulls away at this time even in the best of circumstances and a girl who may feel a little more alienated from their fathers during this preteen time naturally. I certainly was. This is tough. OP Maybe you can both agree on getting a therapist for your DD, with the idea of helping her through this time. Even he can see something is wrong, even if he won't acknowledge himself as the cause. Your DD can use the therapist as an intermediary to talk to her dad about whst she needs without you involved |
Anonymous
Where is the child in all this? They get a say in how they want to be hugged. Dad complies. He gets to hug. I'm not familiar with divorce proceedings but is what PP says what it all boils down t? Psychologically splitting the child 50/50 so all is fair for the parents. |
Anonymous
| I feel so bad for your daughter. He needs parenting classes or family therapy at minimum. Can't her therapist have a session with him? |
Anonymous
That’s not how it works at all. |
Anonymous
He’s fine. Op is wrong. |
Anonymous
No. It's really damaging for a girl going through puberty, especially from an adult male. |
Anonymous
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My guess is that he can't -- or is refusing to -- understand that your daughter is no longer a little kid, happy to hug, snuggle, etc with her dad. It is crossing boundaries now, and your kid's voice needs to be heard.
He should not be doing what he is doing. It is absolutely inappropriate. A tween is learning independence, getting stronger in their understanding of body autonomy, and - perhaps most importantly here - how to say NO. If she can't say no to her dad and no one is helping her escape these f'd up scenarios despite her clearly using her voice and telling other, responsible adults -- what happens when some random dude is inappropriate with her? |