Physical boundaries, tweens, and parents

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like you don't want them to have a relationship.

+1

[Anonymous]

All of the manosphere "this is mom's fault" trolls must have misssd that DH initiated divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for your daughter. He needs parenting classes or family therapy at minimum. Can't her therapist have a session with him?

That’s what I would suggest as well

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel so bad for your daughter. He needs parenting classes or family therapy at minimum. Can't her therapist have a session with him?

He’s fine. Op is wrong.

No. It's really damaging for a girl going through puberty, especially from an adult male.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The things you are saying would cause me to be concerned. But what gives me pause is that your child reported them to a therapist who is a mandatory reporter and apparently the therapist is not concerned. And you reported them to your attorney who also doesn’t seem to be concerned. That does t make sense to me.

I'm a child and teen therapist and frequently make CPS calls. I generally don't notify the parents that I've done so, this can interfere with the investigation. It's totally at my discretion and there's not rule that I have to tell them. These investigations are slow and often CPS doesn't follow up. All that to say it's quite possible the therapist did report this and mom wouldn't know either way.

[Anonymous]

DH needs guidance from therapist. His masking is inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The things you are saying would cause me to be concerned. But what gives me pause is that your child reported them to a therapist who is a mandatory reporter and apparently the therapist is not concerned. And you reported them to your attorney who also doesn’t seem to be concerned. That does t make sense to me.

I'm a child and teen therapist and frequently make CPS calls. I generally don't notify the parents that I've done so, this can interfere with the investigation. It's totally at my discretion and there's not rule that I have to tell them. These investigations are slow and often CPS doesn't follow up. All that to say it's quite possible the therapist did report this and mom wouldn't know either way.

Would you have reported this case?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The things you are saying would cause me to be concerned. But what gives me pause is that your child reported them to a therapist who is a mandatory reporter and apparently the therapist is not concerned. And you reported them to your attorney who also doesn’t seem to be concerned. That does t make sense to me.

I'm a child and teen therapist and frequently make CPS calls. I generally don't notify the parents that I've done so, this can interfere with the investigation. It's totally at my discretion and there's not rule that I have to tell them. These investigations are slow and often CPS doesn't follow up. All that to say it's quite possible the therapist did report this and mom wouldn't know either way.

Would you have reported this case?

Hard to say without more information. The thing that raises the most flags for me is the bed covers. Hugging a resistant teen is one thing but invading someone's space while they're in bed is a red flag. I would probably probe her about other behaviors that might be SA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The things you are saying would cause me to be concerned. But what gives me pause is that your child reported them to a therapist who is a mandatory reporter and apparently the therapist is not concerned. And you reported them to your attorney who also doesn’t seem to be concerned. That does t make sense to me.

I'm a child and teen therapist and frequently make CPS calls. I generally don't notify the parents that I've done so, this can interfere with the investigation. It's totally at my discretion and there's not rule that I have to tell them. These investigations are slow and often CPS doesn't follow up. All that to say it's quite possible the therapist did report this and mom wouldn't know either way.

Would you have reported this case?

Hard to say without more information. The thing that raises the most flags for me is the bed covers. Hugging a resistant teen is one thing but invading someone's space while they're in bed is a red flag. I would probably probe her about other behaviors that might be SA. [/quoOK.

Thanks for responding. That also struck me as really bad, the inability to drop it when she's sending clear signals and seeking a protective barrier.

[Anonymous]

Would he be open to family therapy with your daughter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex sounds like a creep! I’d be so mad. What did your attorney say?

No, he's not. He wants to be affectionate with his child and OP is finding a way to terminate their relationship. If Dad cannot hug, mom shouldn't be hugging either.

This is absolute ridiculous. Shame on you. This child deserves to have a voice to advocate what she is ok or not ok with. The parent who is violating boundaries is wrong and other parent must support the child being violated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My guess is that he can't -- or is refusing to -- understand that your daughter is no longer a little kid, happy to hug, snuggle, etc with her dad. It is crossing boundaries now, and your kid's voice needs to be heard.

He should not be doing what he is doing. It is absolutely inappropriate. A tween is learning independence, getting stronger in their understanding of body autonomy, and - perhaps most importantly here - how to say NO.

If she can't say no to her dad and no one is helping her escape these f'd up scenarios despite her clearly using her voice and telling other, responsible adults -- what happens when some random dude is inappropriate with her?

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your ex sounds like a creep! I’d be so mad. What did your attorney say?

No, he's not. He wants to be affectionate with his child and OP is finding a way to terminate their relationship. If Dad cannot hug, mom shouldn't be hugging either.

Ugh. You sound like a pervert. His daughter's body does not exist for him to get affection, and him forcing himself upon her and then throwing a tantrum when she says no is undoubtedly driving her away.

OP, do you think he'd meet with the therapist to discuss? Or be open to family therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a divorce with DH. He initiated it. We have kids including a tween DD and she does not want to be around DH. However, he insists that her feelings aren’t valid and he has been behaving weirdly during their visitation time. DD says that he does things like puts his arm around her and she says no and pulls away, and forces hugs on her, or opens doors that she has shut, and has even pulled covers off of her when she’s tried to hide in bed.

I have reported this information to my attorney and it sounds like DD has brought it up with her therapist. DH is on the autism spectrum and has always had trouble relating to our children as independent individuals and treats them as far younger than they are. He also has a weird sense of boundaries and struggles with picking up social cues.

But DD is our oldest and only girl and I’m wondering what level of boundaries a child is “allowed” to set with a parent? I think that a child’s body is their own and they should never have to be touched by someone if they don’t give that person permission. DD says DH has been getting mad and mean when she sets boundaries or rejects his hugs.

I’m deep in this divorce so I need input from parents of tweens and teens in “normal” family situations with “normal” DHs: am I overreacting, is my tween overreacting, or is DH’s behavior a cause for concern? My gut is saying this feels really off but I am also feel very protective of my kids because of everything DH has out them through.

She might be as well and has trouble with boundaries or others being close. Something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a divorce with DH. He initiated it. We have kids including a tween DD and she does not want to be around DH. However, he insists that her feelings aren’t valid and he has been behaving weirdly during their visitation time. DD says that he does things like puts his arm around her and she says no and pulls away, and forces hugs on her, or opens doors that she has shut, and has even pulled covers off of her when she’s tried to hide in bed.

I have reported this information to my attorney and it sounds like DD has brought it up with her therapist. DH is on the autism spectrum and has always had trouble relating to our children as independent individuals and treats them as far younger than they are. He also has a weird sense of boundaries and struggles with picking up social cues.

But DD is our oldest and only girl and I’m wondering what level of boundaries a child is “allowed” to set with a parent? I think that a child’s body is their own and they should never have to be touched by someone if they don’t give that person permission. DD says DH has been getting mad and mean when she sets boundaries or rejects his hugs.

I’m deep in this divorce so I need input from parents of tweens and teens in “normal” family situations with “normal” DHs: am I overreacting, is my tween overreacting, or is DH’s behavior a cause for concern? My gut is saying this feels really off but I am also feel very protective of my kids because of everything DH has out them through.

She might be as well and has trouble with boundaries or others being close. Something to consider.

Autism or not, her physical boundaries are hers to define. It’s not up to anyone else to dictate what level of physical contact is appropriate.