How to stop sleeping with one ear open?

[Anonymous]

This is kind of an odd question, and I wasn’t sure where to post it, so here I am!

My DH works for a large healthcare system providing geriatric care. He’s recently part of a rotating on-call schedule and often has to respond to late-night calls at a network of nursing facilities. When he’s called out, he usually leaves right around the time everyone’s heading to bed and doesn’t get back until sometime between 1–3 a.m. The problem is, every time he comes home, I wake up, and once I’m awake, I can’t fall back asleep. Both entry doors are right under our bedroom, so it’s hard to ignore. I’ve tried a loud white noise machine, earplugs, everything, but I still hear the door every single time. It’s the strangest thing. It feels like I’m sleeping with “one ear open.” I think part of it is psychological: I’m anticipating the sound but also worrying, even half-asleep, that it might not be him, maybe some part of my brain is just on alert. Once he’s home, though, I end up tossing and turning until it’s time to get up.

Does anyone have advice on how to stop “listening” in my sleep? Maybe something psychological or behavioral that could help me stay asleep or fall back asleep once he’s home?

[Anonymous]

Wine before bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wine before bed?

I sleep even worse with alcohol! Also, I should add, melatonin and magnesium don’t help, tried that. Tried sleep meds and those left me groggy, and I still woke up.

[Anonymous]

I used to have this issue when falling asleep, because my DH would come 1-2 hours later. So I'd get anxious if I didn't fall asleep right away because once I heard him coming up the stairs I knew I wouldn't get to sleep before he was snoring loudly next to me.

Ear plugs worked well for me. I still hear him sometimes, but it stopped the small anxious feeling I had that would also stop sleep.

Is he slamming the door? Would noise canceling panels above the door or under your bed help?

[Anonymous]

Could he sleep in the guest room those nights, while you work on getting continuous sleep?

[Anonymous]

Separate bedrooms or a couch or basement on this days. If that’s not feasible just tell yourself you can sleep through anything and find “evidence.” I stopped telling myself I can’t sleep on planes and now I can…sleep on planes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I used to have this issue when falling asleep, because my DH would come 1-2 hours later. So I'd get anxious if I didn't fall asleep right away because once I heard him coming up the stairs I knew I wouldn't get to sleep before he was snoring loudly next to me.

Ear plugs worked well for me. I still hear him sometimes, but it stopped the small anxious feeling I had that would also stop sleep.

Is he slamming the door? Would noise canceling panels above the door or under your bed help?

No, he’s actually very courteous and quiet. It’s just that I somehow hear it, and then suddenly my ears perk up and inside awake. Like, I can physically feel my ears perk up. It’s bizarre. The sound is so quiet, but it’s almost like I’m lucid while sleeping and anticipating the sound. I have no idea how I pick up on it over the loud noises in my room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could he sleep in the guest room those nights, while you work on getting continuous sleep?

He’d still have to enter the house, and that’s what’s waking me.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think there’s a good way to do this. you’re human. If you know someone is out and coming back int he middle of the night, you will wake up. There’s no way around it. Change his schedule? Sounds awful.

[Anonymous]

I think you’ll get used to it. It’s still new to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think there’s a good way to do this. you’re human. If you know someone is out and coming back int he middle of the night, you will wake up. There’s no way around it. Change his schedule? Sounds awful.

Thankfully it’s not a long term situation, but I’m honestly struggling by Friday on the weeks he’s on-call. I’m exhausted.

[Anonymous]

I think you’re anxious. It’s not necessarily about the sounds what about the anticipation of his returning.

[Anonymous]

This won't necessarily help with the part where he comes home and it wakes you up, but it may help with worrying whether or not it's him coming in.

I got an alarm system mostly because I was sleeping with one ear open in case of break-ins. I know that sounds ridiculous to some people, but I couldn't help ti and it was affecting my sleep. The alarm gives me peace of mind that if it were to happen, I wouldn't miss it and now I sleep like a baby.

That said, maybe if you set an alarm, you'll know that you don't have to worry about anyone else coming in because he'll know the code.

[Anonymous]

I have found that having a hot water bottle to sleep with is very soothing when I feel anxious (I am not on any meds).

Try having a hot water bottle so that when you wake up, you will wake up to a pleasant cozy condition and maybe go back to sleep.

Humans are wired to be alert for babies and predators and to wake in the middle of the night. So what your body is doing is very normal. It's just inconvenient and upsetting to you.

Maybe get your DH to come right upstairs and give you a kiss or a shoulder pat. If it's the listening for other people with problems part of your brain, that might shut it off.

[Anonymous]

I had a spouse with a similar schedule and I accepted I sometimes struggled to fall back asleep if I heard him come in or leave. I found some helpful “fall back asleep meditations” and for whatever reason that let my body/nervous system relax again rather than fall into a ruminating/awake cycle. Sorry though - it truly sucks.