DD keeps torturing herself for her mistakes

[Anonymous]

Our 21-year-old daughter recently came clean about failing her last semester of college. She was depressed, using drugs, and stopped going to classes the last month. She lied to us, told us she had passed, and we had no idea what was going on. Over the summer, she said she was “working” which is why she didn’t come home, now we know she was just trying to hide how bad things had gotten.

Right before this fall semester started, she broke down and told us everything. It was shocking and heartbreaking, but since then we’ve been trying to focus on helping her move forward instead of staying stuck in the past. She’s home with us now, sober, seeing a counselor, and going to addiction meetings in the evenings. She’s taking a break from school and working part-time.

We’ve taken over her finances for now because she maxed out her credit card and made some poor choices. We have access to her account, and she gets $100 a month for leisure while the rest goes toward paying down her debt. She’s fine with this plan and understands why we’re doing it.

The hardest part right now is how much she’s beating herself up. She says she hates herself, cries a lot about how she “ruined everything,” and just can’t seem to forgive herself. We keep telling her we love her, we’ve forgiven her, and we’re not mad, we just want her to heal and rebuild. But she feels like she doesn’t deserve to have fun or do anything enjoyable.

Before all this, she used to see her friends at least once a week, casual hangs, sometimes just go for a coffee outing, they’d hang out in our basement for movie nights. Now she doesn’t see them at all. She cancels plans and refuses to reach out. It’s like she’s isolating herself on purpose because she feels she doesn’t “deserve” to be happy.

She is making progress, staying sober, going to counseling, working, but she’s stuck in this shame spiral. We want her to keep working on herself, but we also want her to reconnect with life again.

Has anyone been through something similar with a young adult? How can we help her start forgiving herself and feel like she’s allowed to live again? Any advice or perspective would really help.

[Anonymous]

I would think she is embarrassed to see her friends.

[Anonymous]

I haven’t been through this exact thing so I can’t give any advice. But, it sounds like she trusts you and has made quite a bit of progress in just a few months. Is it possible that the old friends were part of the problem and she would do better finding new friends and new activities? Creative pursuits are really healing. Maybe a woodworking class or a pottery class to feel like she is still learning and moving forward?

[Anonymous]

I think it's OK for her to grieve. She's young and this feels so monumental.
Give her space, make sure she at least socializes with the immediate family, make plans with her to get out of the house.

[Anonymous]

We have also been through a tough path. Not identical to yours, but tough. Ours involved drugs, violence, graduated from HS but not moving forward at all. It was all a downhill spiral until he hit bottom, like your daughter. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s painful.

What we did was we became our son’s people. We plan things together as a family and have worked to find mutual interests. We get him out of the house to go to the gym multiple times a week. We play cards after dinner just about every time we eat together. We try to find shows we all like but that’s hard to be honest. We make family events out of each sports event for our youngest kids and all show up. We all went to drop a sibling kid at college to show our support - because we all support each other. We celebrate every holiday - like our made up let’s decorate for Halloween day. We try new recipes together. My kids do things together when we parents aren’t around - like play cards mostly but they have come to enjoy each other. We’ve also got him into community college and turns out he’s really good at college when he has our support. And we have him working a few part time jobs.

I can’t manufacture friends. But I can work to avoid isolation. It’s exhausting sometimes but, like you, we are committed to our child’s (well all our kids’) success.

Good luck OP. I’m going to follow this thread for ideas. We have had amazing success but i am really hoping to hear from others who can give us more ideas.

[Anonymous]

Is she normally a pessimistic person? Type A?

I am that way, and if I make a mistake, I stew in it for days. I still cringe at things I did 30+ years ago as a teen/young adult.

She needs time, and maybe some therapy? A third party that she can just unload on. Sometimes talking to a person who doesn't know you is easier because the person doesn't have the past history and baggage with you.

You can tell the therapist your concerns about her.

If I were in your DD's shoes, I too would be beating myself up pretty hard over such a monumental mistake. This is going to take time for her to get back to some level of normal. Time and a huge leap forward are the things that will help her.

But, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist.

GL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t been through this exact thing so I can’t give any advice. But, it sounds like she trusts you and has made quite a bit of progress in just a few months. Is it possible that the old friends were part of the problem and she would do better finding new friends and new activities? Creative pursuits are really healing. Maybe a woodworking class or a pottery class to feel like she is still learning and moving forward?

I know her University friends were part of the problem, but from what I know her old childhood/high school friends are all great girls. No drug use, been friends since middle school, kept in contact all throughout college. I do think shame/embarrassment is a part of her hiding and not reaching out. But it makes me sad, since I know how important community can be especially as a young adult.

I've been trying to get her into classes or activities and I think maybe I should push more. Used to play piano now she doesn't, used to be an avid reader, barely picks up books. She goes to the gym and I've started going to yoga with her, just trying to keep her mind busy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have also been through a tough path. Not identical to yours, but tough. Ours involved drugs, violence, graduated from HS but not moving forward at all. It was all a downhill spiral until he hit bottom, like your daughter. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. It’s painful.

What we did was we became our son’s people. We plan things together as a family and have worked to find mutual interests. We get him out of the house to go to the gym multiple times a week. We play cards after dinner just about every time we eat together. We try to find shows we all like but that’s hard to be honest. We make family events out of each sports event for our youngest kids and all show up. We all went to drop a sibling kid at college to show our support - because we all support each other. We celebrate every holiday - like our made up let’s decorate for Halloween day. We try new recipes together. My kids do things together when we parents aren’t around - like play cards mostly but they have come to enjoy each other. We’ve also got him into community college and turns out he’s really good at college when he has our support. And we have him working a few part time jobs.

I can’t manufacture friends. But I can work to avoid isolation. It’s exhausting sometimes but, like you, we are committed to our child’s (well all our kids’) success.

Good luck OP. I’m going to follow this thread for ideas. We have had amazing success but i am really hoping to hear from others who can give us more ideas.

Thank you for sharing this, it really made me feel supported and seen.

We’ve been trying to spend more time together as a family too. The biggest challenge with my daughter is that she has a lot of pride and still feels embarrassed about how she acted before. I think there’s a lot of shame there, and sometimes it feels like she doesn’t want to be around us because of it. We try to keep reassuring her and showing her love, and we just hope that, over time, she’ll feel safe opening up again.

We’ve made family dinners a daily thing. She doesn’t say much, but she’s always there, and I can tell she’s trying in her own quiet way. She also got a gym membership, and my husband and I take turns going with her for companionship. Even though we mostly just carpool and do our own thing once we’re there, I’ve found those car rides to be nice bonding moments.

We’ve also limited how much time she spends alone in her room. If she wants to scroll, read, or be on her laptop, we ask her to do it in the living room so she’s at least around us. It’s helped a bit — she’ll occasionally chime in on conversations or laugh at something, which feels like a small win.

We’re trying to do everything we can to bring her out of her shell again. She used to be such a bright, talkative girl, and now there’s a lot of silence and sadness. It’s so hard watching her go through this, but your post gives me hope that we’ll get there, slowly but surely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she normally a pessimistic person? Type A?

I am that way, and if I make a mistake, I stew in it for days. I still cringe at things I did 30+ years ago as a teen/young adult.

She needs time, and maybe some therapy? A third party that she can just unload on. Sometimes talking to a person who doesn't know you is easier because the person doesn't have the past history and baggage with you.

You can tell the therapist your concerns about her.

If I were in your DD's shoes, I too would be beating myself up pretty hard over such a monumental mistake. This is going to take time for her to get back to some level of normal. Time and a huge leap forward are the things that will help her.

But, it might be helpful to talk to a therapist.

GL

Very Type A, she’s always been someone who puts a lot of pressure on herself, even without us doing it. She’s such a smart, driven girl and has always taken the hardest courses, constantly pushing herself to the limit.

She’s been seeing a counsellor for addiction, but not a general therapist, so I’ll look into adding that. I know it’s a huge mistake to process, and it’s not something you can just “get over.” It just hurts to see her beating herself up over it. I know it’ll take time, but it’s hard watching her struggle when I just want her to find her light again.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that helped my lonely, depressed dropout was singing. Choir, chorus--voice lessons if she's game and interested? Music lifts the spirit like nothing else. I can understand not wanting to see old friends, even good, kind friends, if they are doing well.
She will get through this. You are an amazing parent--sounds like you're doing all the right things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's OK for her to grieve. She's young and this feels so monumental.
Give her space, make sure she at least socializes with the immediate family, make plans with her to get out of the house.

+1. She did fail. Learning comes through failure. She has to process this on her own. It’s part of growing up.
Back off a little bit and let her figure it out
I had a similar college dropout

[Anonymous]

Tell her to talk to her counselors and at her group meetings about this.

[Anonymous]

And the underlying cause of all this is?

[Anonymous]

You may have already done this but if you have an episode in your past that caused you shame, I would consider sharing it. To reduce her isolation and promote catharsis.

I was depression-prone and under-performed as a young adult and budget travel always fixed things, at least temporarily. People I met while backpacking didn’t care about my resume or see me as a failure. And the novelty, exercise and sun exposure improved my mood. Could you or DH take her for two weeks to an affordable exotic destination? Not as a reward but just to bond and get a change of scenery. Again, sometimes it’s about catharsis and jolting us out of our self-loathing.

[Anonymous]

I didn’t need to come home, but I went through something similar. I would feel grateful that she came to you. I did not feel I could tell my family that I was suicidal. I bore everything alone. She will be fine. I have a friend who flunked out twice and is now making more money than anyone I’ve ever known. Most kids go through a really awful semester or two in college. She isn’t even grown up yet. Just keep supporting her.