DD keeps torturing herself for her mistakes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The only thing that helped my lonely, depressed dropout was singing. Choir, chorus--voice lessons if she's game and interested? Music lifts the spirit like nothing else. I can understand not wanting to see old friends, even good, kind friends, if they are doing well.
She will get through this. You are an amazing parent--sounds like you're doing all the right things.

OP said she plays the piano but has given up.

I'm a PP (type A who would also beat myself up). I also sing and play the piano, and yes, I find it very therapeutic. If OP can get her to play piano again, it may help.

Maybe OP you could play her favorite piece on streaming or something, and if she hears it, maybe she would feel motivated to play it.

[Anonymous]

Is she really only one semester short of a degree?

If so, assuming there's one parent who is staying at home, I would look for a sublet in her college town for winter term and move back with her to knock that semester out. As a mom, I would do it. If you're working maybe you could get FMLA leave or work remotely?

She needs a stabilizing force in her life. Addiction is hard to fight. But to abandon a 7/8ths complete degree is a big problem. She probably won't be ready to go back for a longer time period if she waits until she is ready to go by herself. If it's a big city school, nobody will even know if mom is sharing an apartment.

She might feel better about herself if she can complete the degree.

I'm sure this might seem weird or helicoptery but I've seen that kids that give up tend not to go back/complete school. That has long-term life implications.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is she really only one semester short of a degree?

If so, assuming there's one parent who is staying at home, I would look for a sublet in her college town for winter term and move back with her to knock that semester out. As a mom, I would do it. If you're working maybe you could get FMLA leave or work remotely?

She needs a stabilizing force in her life. Addiction is hard to fight. But to abandon a 7/8ths complete degree is a big problem. She probably won't be ready to go back for a longer time period if she waits until she is ready to go by herself. If it's a big city school, nobody will even know if mom is sharing an apartment.

She might feel better about herself if she can complete the degree.

I'm sure this might seem weird or helicoptery but I've seen that kids that give up tend not to go back/complete school. That has long-term life implications.

Or see if she can finish her degree someplace close to home.

OP, you sound like a close knit and supportive family, and are doing so many good things. She probably just needs some time. I echo the suggestion of a therapist for her.

- NP

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately I think she has some sort of mental illness and needs to be diagnosed and medicated. The talk won’t help her much.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there. Can she take on part time job? Something to make her feel good about herself and help rebuild her confidence. Sending her a hug!

[Anonymous]

Has she been screened for depression as part of her addiction therapy? Was she perhaps self medicating when she took drugs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it's OK for her to grieve. She's young and this feels so monumental.
Give her space, make sure she at least socializes with the immediate family, make plans with her to get out of the house.

+1. She did fail. Learning comes through failure. She has to process this on her own. It’s part of growing up.
Back off a little bit and let her figure it out
I had a similar college dropout

This

[Anonymous]

OP she is quiet because her addiction is still nagging her.

You are great parents she’s lucky to have you

School if she is only shy a semester let it wait part time job would be better right now

Most colleges make you do 30 hours to graduate so she will need two semesters if she goes back to another college.

[Anonymous]

Many kids go off-track and then they get back on track also.

When my kid did not do very well in college and got depressed, I made sure that she was getting therapy and she was home. Thankfully, it was COVID time and the world was doing poorly and so she could go underground without anyone questioning it. She was home and I made sure that I was with her every minute of the day. Many days I would just lie down with her in her bed and just let her cry. Then one day it started to became better. She has met all the adult milestones of her age.

[Anonymous]

I struggled with guilt and regret over mistakes I made as a young adult. My Dad told me something very powerful that really stuck with me. Not immediately but it was something that I came to understand over time. He told me you can’t change the past. There is no amount of guilt, shame, sadness, or regret that can change it. The only you can do is learn from your mistakes so it doesn’t happen again.

Remember the saying: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This truth has helped me overcome a lot of regret and what ifs in my life. Not saying it’s that easy but it’s the most powerful truth I needed to hear. My Dad shared it with me with love and acceptance and I never forgot it. Your daughter may need therapy or medication but this is ultimately the message she needs. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

It was a pretty big F up so honestly it’s good she isn’t blowing it off nonchalantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was a pretty big F up so honestly it’s good she isn’t blowing it off nonchalantly.

I've known of so many kids who trashed freshman year, that this situation (from an academic standpoint) seems a lot better (except for drug addiction, which is life threatening). Almost done is a lot more salvageable than "do I even belong in college?"

[Anonymous]

She needs to get a job.

[Anonymous]

If she’s doing 12 step programs as part of her addiction treatment, you might suggest she check out the young people in AA programs. I got sober in grad school at 23, and those meetings were really important for making friends and building a sober social life. We’d grab dinner after meetings. Eventually, I met people who had shared interests outside of sobriety, and we went to museums and concerts together.

A lot of people use academic achievement as their first escape. Throwing myself into academics was a way to distract myself from disfunction. When the accolades weren’t enough, I started experimenting with substances more. Her old friends might not have problems with drugs or alcohol, but they might remind her of some underlying issues she’s trying to process in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I struggled with guilt and regret over mistakes I made as a young adult. My Dad told me something very powerful that really stuck with me. Not immediately but it was something that I came to understand over time. He told me you can’t change the past. There is no amount of guilt, shame, sadness, or regret that can change it. The only you can do is learn from your mistakes so it doesn’t happen again.

Remember the saying: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

This truth has helped me overcome a lot of regret and what ifs in my life. Not saying it’s that easy but it’s the most powerful truth I needed to hear. My Dad shared it with me with love and acceptance and I never forgot it. Your daughter may need therapy or medication but this is ultimately the message she needs. Good luck!

Great advice. Thanks for sharing. 🙂