DD keeps torturing herself for her mistakes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she really only one semester short of a degree?

If so, assuming there's one parent who is staying at home, I would look for a sublet in her college town for winter term and move back with her to knock that semester out. As a mom, I would do it. If you're working maybe you could get FMLA leave or work remotely?

She needs a stabilizing force in her life. Addiction is hard to fight. But to abandon a 7/8ths complete degree is a big problem. She probably won't be ready to go back for a longer time period if she waits until she is ready to go by herself. If it's a big city school, nobody will even know if mom is sharing an apartment.

She might feel better about herself if she can complete the degree.

I'm sure this might seem weird or helicoptery but I've seen that kids that give up tend not to go back/complete school. That has long-term life implications.

Or see if she can finish her degree someplace close to home.

OP, you sound like a close knit and supportive family, and are doing so many good things. She probably just needs some time. I echo the suggestion of a therapist for her.

- NP

I'm the Op, thanks to you both! She is 2 semesters short of her degree, and as a family we've talked about her returning to school. My daughter does want to finish her degree, she just doesn't feel like she can. I never thought of me or my husband going with her, but this just opened my eyes. I could potentially work remote for one full semester. My youngest sister (my daughter is really close to) lives about an hour away from her school, she could potentially do 'check ins' every week with my daughter for the second semester. I do keep feeling that this is helicoptery in a way, but at the end of the day does it matter as long as she's healthy and gets her degree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hang in there. Can she take on part time job? Something to make her feel good about herself and help rebuild her confidence. Sending her a hug!

She's currently tutoring high school math, about 10 hours a week. She really loves teaching and tutoring. She always felt like teaching was her 'calling', but her senior year of high school decided not to be a teacher because of their low pay and how they get treated (we have some teachers in the family!). I wonder if she would consider going back to be a teacher? She finds such a joy in tutoring

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is she really only one semester short of a degree?

If so, assuming there's one parent who is staying at home, I would look for a sublet in her college town for winter term and move back with her to knock that semester out. As a mom, I would do it. If you're working maybe you could get FMLA leave or work remotely?

She needs a stabilizing force in her life. Addiction is hard to fight. But to abandon a 7/8ths complete degree is a big problem. She probably won't be ready to go back for a longer time period if she waits until she is ready to go by herself. If it's a big city school, nobody will even know if mom is sharing an apartment.

She might feel better about herself if she can complete the degree.

I'm sure this might seem weird or helicoptery but I've seen that kids that give up tend not to go back/complete school. That has long-term life implications.

Or see if she can finish her degree someplace close to home.

OP, you sound like a close knit and supportive family, and are doing so many good things. She probably just needs some time. I echo the suggestion of a therapist for her.

- NP

I'm the Op, thanks to you both! She is 2 semesters short of her degree, and as a family we've talked about her returning to school. My daughter does want to finish her degree, she just doesn't feel like she can. I never thought of me or my husband going with her, but this just opened my eyes. I could potentially work remote for one full semester. My youngest sister (my daughter is really close to) lives about an hour away from her school, she could potentially do 'check ins' every week with my daughter for the second semester. I do keep feeling that this is helicoptery in a way, but at the end of the day does it matter as long as she's healthy and gets her degree?

Early PP here whose family wrapped themselves around my son who went through really tough times. I don’t think you’ll be surprised that I say who cares what others might think. All that matters is that your child moves forward no matter what it takes to make that happen. I’d do exactly what you’re doing.

There were many times that I had to intervene, assist and get the support of others to help my son do what others could easily do. And I’m sure people thought I was helicoptery. But success begets success and as successes continue to build and confidence and competence grows, you’ll know when to step back.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think this happened?

[Anonymous]

Good Luck OP.
Our kid her age is taking time off from
College to deal with anxiety , depression.
They too struggle with the shame cycle.
It’s a B****!!
One of the things I think it’s important to do is to stop calling what she did a “mistake”.
She made poor choices, BAD choices that resulted in where she is now. And that place is one of healing, tremendous growth and evolution surrounded by loving support.
A therapist will be great in helping her see that her past choices were just that her choices, NOT her value. She has to learn that accountability does not require self degradation.
Maybe she has perfectionist tendencies,
Which quite frankly may have caused her to burn out and self medicate with alcohol and other impulsive choices.
But her value is simply in her existence, try to get her to focus on how she self corrected and is doing the healing work.
Good luck in fighting just the right therapist Fit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good Luck OP.
Our kid her age is taking time off from
College to deal with anxiety , depression.
They too struggle with the shame cycle.
It’s a B****!!
One of the things I think it’s important to do is to stop calling what she did a “mistake”.
She made poor choices, BAD choices that resulted in where she is now. And that place is one of healing, tremendous growth and evolution surrounded by loving support.
A therapist will be great in helping her see that her past choices were just that her choices, NOT her value. She has to learn that accountability does not require self degradation.
Maybe she has perfectionist tendencies,
Which quite frankly may have caused her to burn out and self medicate with alcohol and other impulsive choices.
But her value is simply in her existence, try to get her to focus on how she self corrected and is doing the healing work.
Good luck in fighting just the right therapist Fit.

“FINDING” the right therapist , LOL!