Teen struggling with male gaze

[Anonymous]

So my daughter for the first time is dealing with being looked at by a boy she doesn’t like. She has only in the last couple of months begun wearing any clothes more revealing than shapeless tees and shorts. Current clothes are not revealing, but sometimes show her shoulders or her chest (Altho no cleavage). She is really made uncomfortable by the fact that this boy notices her body. I think this is a fact of life that she’s going to have to learn to deal with, but I’d appreciate any thoughts on conversations others had with their daughters that helped and any suggestions for books she could read that might help her thinking about it. This morning she was back in sweats and clearly feels very stressed.

[Anonymous]

What does "looking" mean here? Leering? Is he commenting? I assume he's not just existing near her, or she wouldn't be bothered. So address that behavior.

[Anonymous]

Is this boy saying things to her or staring/eyeballing her? In the case of verbal harassment, I would escalate to authorities within the school. In the case of ogling, this is unfair, but, she has to learn to ignore it while maintaining her sense of dignity. This creepy male gaze business is something most young women learn to live with and cope with. Ignoring or pretending to ignore is the best we can do because complaining: "he was looking at me" gets us nowhere. A self defense course should be mandatory for all girls, with repeated refresher courses.

[Anonymous]

Or is she imagining it and insecure about herself and projecting that everyone is looking at her?. I was that way at that age. So self conscious and insecure. It was a “me” problem.

[Anonymous]

She should learn to stare right back at him, but with a scowl.

If he gets creepier, teach her to take up space and be loud. Creepy men are empowered by SHAME. She can wear what she wants and he needs to mind his business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this boy saying things to her or staring/eyeballing her? In the case of verbal harassment, I would escalate to authorities within the school. In the case of ogling, this is unfair, but, she has to learn to ignore it while maintaining her sense of dignity. This creepy male gaze business is something most young women learn to live with and cope with. Ignoring or pretending to ignore is the best we can do because complaining: "he was looking at me" gets us nowhere. A self defense course should be mandatory for all girls, with repeated refresher courses.

You don't complain to someone else about it, you tell the creep to stop staring. He wants her to cower and get upset. Tell him to get his creepy eyeballs OFF of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this boy saying things to her or staring/eyeballing her? In the case of verbal harassment, I would escalate to authorities within the school. In the case of ogling, this is unfair, but, she has to learn to ignore it while maintaining her sense of dignity. This creepy male gaze business is something most young women learn to live with and cope with. Ignoring or pretending to ignore is the best we can do because complaining: "he was looking at me" gets us nowhere. A self defense course should be mandatory for all girls, with repeated refresher courses.

Slight disagreement, in that it's fine (and good!) to say "stop staring at me" or "Larlo looks me up and down and it's gross." Calling out poor behavior creates positive social pressure.

I agree she probably can't go to the admin unless he's extremely overt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this boy saying things to her or staring/eyeballing her? In the case of verbal harassment, I would escalate to authorities within the school. In the case of ogling, this is unfair, but, she has to learn to ignore it while maintaining her sense of dignity. This creepy male gaze business is something most young women learn to live with and cope with. Ignoring or pretending to ignore is the best we can do because complaining: "he was looking at me" gets us nowhere. A self defense course should be mandatory for all girls, with repeated refresher courses.

You don't complain to someone else about it, you tell the creep to stop staring. [b]He wants her to cower and get upset. Tell him to get his creepy eyeballs OFF of her.

It's a tough call, though. If she engages him by confronting, he gets what he wants: her attention/her feeling uncomfortable. He could also react aggressively to her confrontation. I'm not saying be scared,, but let's be realistic here.

[Anonymous]

She should say in a sarcastic tone "Eyes on your own paper" or something like that.

[Anonymous]

She talks to you about how he is looking at her?

[Anonymous]

You can’t control is someone looks at you or even stares. It’s not illegal. Tell her she needs to be secure with herself and move on.

Unless he is doing something extreme, which my your post doesn’t appear that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She should say in a sarcastic tone "Eyes on your own paper" or something like that.

so weird

[Anonymous]

Tell her to tell one of her friends that's a boy to tell this kid to keep his eyes of his prize!

[Anonymous]

I would have her say "Larlo. Stop staring." In a loud but not emotional tone. She needs to practice with you at home until her tone is exactly right. The idea here is to attract the attention of an adult without separately telling the adult.

[Anonymous]

If she feels more comfortable dressing in baggier/oversized clothes, I’d let her. Puberty is tough, middle and early high school are tough years, she might as well be comfortable. I’d also reassure her and let her know that there absolutely will be social consequences for boys/men who creepily stare at girls/women, and that she did nothing wrong.