DD has a crush on her boyfriend's cousin and is asking me for advice

[Anonymous]

The title says it all. DD (16) has been dating her boyfriend for two years now, but last night she confided to me that she likes his cousin (who also goes to their school) better. She also said that the cousin is clearly in love with her and said that she "could pull him if she wanted to". She explained that she knows that it wouldn't be right, but she really wants to and might. What do I do?? I don't want to encourage her to do this, but I also don't want her suppressing her true emotions. Maybe making dumb, crazy mistakes like this is just part of the teenage life?? She has been asking for my advice. What do I tell her?

[Anonymous]

sounds like your dd isn't quite mature enough to have a serious boyfriend. To start, she needs to break up and just be friends with the current boyfriend b/c it's not fair to him to "date" him if she likes someone else

[Anonymous]

She needs to break up with her boyfriend if she likes his cousin more. It is your job to teach and guide your daughter to have integrity and respect for others.cheating on him is not something you support as a parent.

[Anonymous]

The right thing to do is for her to break up with the boyfriend and not date either of them. You realize how much family drama she will cause if she breaks up with one to date the other? She doesn't want to be that person to cause a permanent rift in the relationship between the cousins/parents over a high school romance.

Now, if they break up and the cousin wants to talk to the boyfriend and get his blessing, great. But they may need to wait a bit.

As someone who was once in a romantic triangle with two best friends, trust me, it's not worth the drama. 30 years later, I still wish I would have handled it better.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her to see this relationship through- if it ends, it ends but don’t end it to go date the cousin. That just would not end well and she would not be welcomed by the family I presume.

If they break up because they have different interests or something benign but not purposefully to date his cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:sounds like your dd isn't quite mature enough to have a serious boyfriend. To start, she needs to break up and just be friends with the current boyfriend b/c it's not fair to him to "date" him if she likes someone else

+1

[Anonymous]

'could pull him if she wanted to'? Jeez. Tell her to breakup first and not to have another relationship till she grows up.

[Anonymous]

I vote for break up with the boyfriend and be alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I vote for break up with the boyfriend and be alone.

This. The attraction to the cousin indicates the bf isn’t the right guy for her.

Also, getting involved with the cousin would be cruel to the boyfriend and destructive to the family.

She should not date either one. She should break up with the boyfriend and see who else she meets.

[Anonymous]

Sounds entirely made-up.

If real, she needs to break up with one before going out with the other. It's up to her to decide whether that's worth her while. She should be honest with both. And honestly, if they're agreeable, she can go out with both at the same time, but only if everyone is on the same page.

[Anonymous]

Teach her to have integrity in relationships and treat people the way she would like to be treated. Would she want to keep dating her boyfriend if she knew he liked someone close to her better? No. So she should break up with her boyfriend in a kind way that lets them salvage a friendship. And I agree with the PPs about not causing drama or tension between cousins. Sometimes you have to just let a tempting possibility go because it’s the right thing to do. Being able to look at yourself in the mirror is the most important thing.

[Anonymous]

I would suggest she journal it. Like a creative writing exercise in which she envisions cheating with the cousin or breaking up with her boyfriend for him. Write out what would happen next. Hurting someone she presumably cares about. Carrying that guilt. Possible judgment from peers. Creating drama with the bf/cousin’s family (it’s entirely possible their parents would turn them against your DD to mend the boys’ relationship).

If for some reason she and the cousin are truly meant to be (which I realize is a long shot, but humor her), wouldn’t it be better to start in a way that isn’t toxic? I think the immediate fall out would take the joy out of this relationship.

If she wants to break up with her bf that is a separate decision. When enough time passes she could reevaluate a possible relationship with the cousin. Hopefully the bf’s feelings will have mended enough by then to give the new relationship a chance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The right thing to do is for her to break up with the boyfriend and not date either of them. You realize how much family drama she will cause if she breaks up with one to date the other? She doesn't want to be that person to cause a permanent rift in the relationship between the cousins/parents over a high school romance.

Now, if they break up and the cousin wants to talk to the boyfriend and get his blessing, great. But they may need to wait a bit.

As someone who was once in a romantic triangle with two best friends, trust me, it's not worth the drama. 30 years later, I still wish I would have handled it better.

This, this, this. Break up with the boyfriend. That is obvious step one. Then chill and be single for a bit. There are a million fish in the sea. Why pick one that will cause problems in someone else's family. Is this a spin on TSITP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I vote for break up with the boyfriend and be alone.

+1 Anything else is really trampy.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like she has been watching too much Summer I Turned Pretty and Life with the Walter Boys.

My advice would be to break up with the boyfriend since she clearly doesn’t like him that much anymore. Take a 3 month break from dating and focus on her friends and activities. Then, she can revisit her feelings.