Am I unreasonable for setting boundaries with my SIL?

[Anonymous]

For the 12 years I’ve been married to my husband, his sister and BIL have stayed at our house whenever they’re in town. I’ve always tried my best to make them feel welcome, despite the fact that she and I have never really gotten along. I go out of my way to ensure they’re comfortable—nice food, good accommodations, engaging in conversation, planning activities, etc. And when I say “I,” I mean it’s me who does all the planning and preparation, as my husband works long hours. This has been our arrangement since I work part-time, so I’m okay with it.

The last time they visited, it was during a particularly wet and muddy season. I calmly and politely mentioned that I had laid down a utility rug with a boot tray at the entrance and kindly asked that everyone use it when entering the house. For some reason, this really set off my SIL. She’s since told my children and my husband that I made her feel like a burden in our house. This was months ago, but she’s brought it up multiple times since, and now she refuses to speak to me at all.

My husband is on my side and has told her to get over it, but the whole thing feels like a “her vs. me” power struggle. I’ve tried apologizing, even though I don’t feel like I did anything wrong, but it hasn’t helped.
At this point, I’m considering stepping back and letting her have her space. If she truly feels like a burden when staying with us, then maybe she shouldn’t stay here anymore. I’ve put in the time and energy to make her comfortable, and nothing seems to change. For my own mental health, I’m thinking about respecting her feelings and no longer hosting her.

Am I being unreasonable to stop trying to accommodate her, especially when I’ve already done everything I can? I’m also trying to gauge whether I should bring this up with my husband and, if so, how to set this boundary without it seeming petty. Any advice on how to approach that conversation?

[Anonymous]

All visitors are a burden. If she's visiting that often, she should plan activities, help with cooking/food, etc. Let her come but just go about your normal routine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All visitors are a burden. If she's visiting that often, she should plan activities, help with cooking/food, etc. Let her come but just go about your normal routine.

I get that all guests can feel like a burden at times, but I don’t want to reward her behavior. At this point, I have to believe she genuinely feels this way, especially if she keeps bringing it up for months. If she truly feels like a burden, why would she want to stay somewhere that makes her uncomfortable? I’m ready to call her bluff and stop accommodating her.

[Anonymous]

Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

[Anonymous]

Well, depending on what’s really going on here and what she’s hoping to gain by dragging this out, it might be time to stand your ground. If she’s playing some sort of power game or trying to manipulate the situation, calling her bluff could be exactly what she needs. It’s entirely possible that stepping back is the best move. You’ve already made plenty of effort to accommodate her, and at some point, it’s not your responsibility to keep bending over backwards for someone who feels ‘burdened’ by your kindness.

[Anonymous]

She’s a complainer and an ungrateful guest with poor manners, but her biggest offense is bringing your children into it. That’s the part that really crosses a line for me. How old are your kids? If they aren’t even teenagers yet, she should be kept away from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She’s a complainer and an ungrateful guest with poor manners, but her biggest offense is bringing your children into it. That’s the part that really crosses a line for me. How old are your kids? If they aren’t even teenagers yet, she should be kept away from them.

OP here. This really bothered us, too. My oldest is almost 11, youngest 8.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s a complainer and an ungrateful guest with poor manners, but her biggest offense is bringing your children into it. That’s the part that really crosses a line for me. How old are your kids? If they aren’t even teenagers yet, she should be kept away from them.

OP here. This really bothered us, too. My oldest is almost 11, youngest 8.

Oh hell no, she’s not staying with you again until she apologizes to your children and you and promises never to do that again.

[Anonymous]

Let them make their own arrangements for accommodations going forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s a complainer and an ungrateful guest with poor manners, but her biggest offense is bringing your children into it. That’s the part that really crosses a line for me. How old are your kids? If they aren’t even teenagers yet, she should be kept away from them.

OP here. This really bothered us, too. My oldest is almost 11, youngest 8.

Oh hell no, she’s not staying with you again until she apologizes to your children and you and promises never to do that again.

I don’t even think she realizes it's me who does all the organizing and planning when they visit. I get their room ready, buy the special food and drinks, and take care of the details. I honestly think she believes it’s her brother doing it all, or she’s just in complete denial that I’m the one putting in the effort. That’s why I’m so frustrated; it feels like my efforts aren’t even acknowledged, and yet I’m being made out to be the problem. I don’t think she truly grasps how much I’m doing to make her feel comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let them make their own arrangements for accommodations going forward.

This is what I want to do. But what should we say to her when she asks about staying here?

[Anonymous]

Plenty of family and friends - who get along - don't stay at each other's houses. Hotel. OP, obviously you are entitled to act on a preference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of family and friends - who get along - don't stay at each other's houses. Hotel. OP, obviously you are entitled to act on a preference.

I’m open to that, but at this point, I don’t even feel comfortable hosting dinners or gatherings at our house anymore. If she’s going to keep saying she feels like a burden, it’s hard to see the point in continuing to make the effort. I’m already doing everything I can to be hospitable, but if she keeps bringing up that she feels uncomfortable, I just don’t think it’s healthy for any of us to keep putting ourselves in that situation. I think stepping back from hosting entirely might be the best option for my own peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

Easy. You meet them on neutral turf. A restaurant. That your DH arranges (they are hIS family) You drive yourself so you can leave when you feel that's appropriate.