Am I unreasonable for setting boundaries with my SIL?

[Anonymous]

Obviously she shouldn't stay with you anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Yes. My children were confused because we always have so much fun. They told us at dinner after they had FaceTimed, which was when she mentioned it. My husband immediately called his sister (maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘confront’ but that’s what he was doing, in regards to what she had said), and she said yes, she felt like a burden in our house and had told our children as much. She has brought it up repeatedly for nearly six months since, and now refuses to speak to me. I honestly don’t know what she hopes to gain.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're full of drama. The whole family is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Yes. My children were confused because we always have so much fun. They told us at dinner after they had FaceTimed, which was when she mentioned it. My husband immediately called his sister (maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘confront’ but that’s what he was doing, in regards to what she had said), and she said yes, she felt like a burden in our house and had told our children as much. She has brought it up repeatedly for nearly six months since, and now refuses to speak to me. I honestly don’t know what she hopes to gain.

That you think she “hopes to gain” anything as all speaks volumes about you as well as her. You said in the beginning that the relationship has never been great. Do you think that she is such an idiot that she hasn’t sensed that as well? Have you considered the possibility that maybe she isn’t “hoping to gain” anything but that her feelings were just hurt? You need to look inward and not just outward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're full of drama. The whole family is.

Excuse me? What drama? Are you trolling me, because I don’t know what I did that’s ‘drama’? I’ve dutifully hosted my SIL for over a decade. I’ve planned fun things, made delicious food, had a comfortable room set up for them. I did those things, out of the goodness of my heart. And now it’s being used against me for some reason. I wish I knew her end goal here. I don’t know what else to do, but I know I won’t allow her to walk all over me or my hospitality, so if that makes me ‘drama’, so be it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Yes. My children were confused because we always have so much fun. They told us at dinner after they had FaceTimed, which was when she mentioned it. My husband immediately called his sister (maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘confront’ but that’s what he was doing, in regards to what she had said), and she said yes, she felt like a burden in our house and had told our children as much. She has brought it up repeatedly for nearly six months since, and now refuses to speak to me. I honestly don’t know what she hopes to gain.

That you think she “hopes to gain” anything as all speaks volumes about you as well as her. You said in the beginning that the relationship has never been great. Do you think that she is such an idiot that she hasn’t sensed that as well? Have you considered the possibility that maybe she isn’t “hoping to gain” anything but that her feelings were just hurt? You need to look inward and not just outward.

Our relationship isn’t great but not because of anything I’ve done, other than marrying her brother, I suppose. I’ve never been anything but nice to her. I’m tired of being walked all over. She has to want something to keep this up for half a year, but I can’t imagine what.

[Anonymous]

This is for your husband to handle.

He should tell his sister that he understands that she is not comfortable as a houseguest in your house, and that it would make sense for her and her husband to make other arrangements for their stay. You'd love to see them while they are in town though, how about X restaurant?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Yes. My children were confused because we always have so much fun. They told us at dinner after they had FaceTimed, which was when she mentioned it. My husband immediately called his sister (maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘confront’ but that’s what he was doing, in regards to what she had said), and she said yes, she felt like a burden in our house and had told our children as much. She has brought it up repeatedly for nearly six months since, and now refuses to speak to me. I honestly don’t know what she hopes to gain.

That you think she “hopes to gain” anything as all speaks volumes about you as well as her. You said in the beginning that the relationship has never been great. Do you think that she is such an idiot that she hasn’t sensed that as well? Have you considered the possibility that maybe she isn’t “hoping to gain” anything but that her feelings were just hurt? You need to look inward and not just outward.

NP but clearly she’s manipulating her brother, his wife, or both. Involving minor children is clear manipulation. Bringing it up again and again despite OP apologizing would indicates that it’s something else. What resolution is this woman hoping for in telling everyone that she feels like a burden, over and over again? A normal person says it once and then finds alternative accommodations. I don’t understand how you don’t see this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Yes. My children were confused because we always have so much fun. They told us at dinner after they had FaceTimed, which was when she mentioned it. My husband immediately called his sister (maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘confront’ but that’s what he was doing, in regards to what she had said), and she said yes, she felt like a burden in our house and had told our children as much. She has brought it up repeatedly for nearly six months since, and now refuses to speak to me. I honestly don’t know what she hopes to gain.

So is this the only thing that she's ever complained about in all these years of you hosting? And in what context does she "keep bringing it up?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Yes. My children were confused because we always have so much fun. They told us at dinner after they had FaceTimed, which was when she mentioned it. My husband immediately called his sister (maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘confront’ but that’s what he was doing, in regards to what she had said), and she said yes, she felt like a burden in our house and had told our children as much. She has brought it up repeatedly for nearly six months since, and now refuses to speak to me. I honestly don’t know what she hopes to gain.

So is this the only thing that she's ever complained about in all these years of you hosting? And in what context does she "keep bringing it up?"

OP here. It came out of nowhere. She was so upset about the mud room comment, even thought it was a blanket comment made to everyone in the house (my husband was present and confirmed later that my delivery wasn’t rude or inappropriate) but it clearly bothered her so much that it made her offload onto our kids. She had before never made a comment about hosting in the entire decade before this past one and the mud room request, and had asked to stay here each and every time before. She brings it up every single time she speaks to my husband. I have apologized, but she won’t speak to me anymore.

[Anonymous]

Don't host someone who is not willing to speak with you. Next time she brings it up, have your husband let her know that HE feels it is best that they stay elsewhere when visiting next time.

Everyone can meet up to have a few meals or do an activity.

If she pushes back on that, then he can let her know he feels she is not very appreciative of all the efforts his wife goes through to prepare and try to make them feel comfortable and welcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is for your husband to handle.

He should tell his sister that he understands that she is not comfortable as a houseguest in your house, and that it would make sense for her and her husband to make other arrangements for their stay. You'd love to see them while they are in town though, how about X restaurant?

THIS! She sounds overly sensitive, bonkers, both, or neither but I wouldn’t spend one more ounce of energy trying to figure out which. You need to lay this all out for your DH and get on the same page going forward: they stay at a hotel, you all meet at restaurants, etc. Why would she want to stay with you anyway if she’s so offended by everything you say/do?! Finally, try and not write her off forever. My BIL was incredibly rude to me for the first 5 years I was DH. Turns out their mother was borderline, all they had was each other, he saw me as a huge threat to their relationship blah blah Fast Forward 25 years and BIL and I are very close. Healing can happen…

[Anonymous]

A utility rug shouldn’t set off a person. When she requests a room again, your DH should give her the Marriot phone number.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone telling you what she said in the first place? Sounds like a bunch of shit stirrers.

OP here. My young children told us first, and my husband wanted to confront her. She then confronted me.

See, this makes the whole lot of you sound nuts. An 8 year old tell you this and you take it at their word? And your husband gets so worked up that he wants to “confront” her? So she then “confronts” you?

Lots of anger, mistrust and hostility in your family.

Yes. My children were confused because we always have so much fun. They told us at dinner after they had FaceTimed, which was when she mentioned it. My husband immediately called his sister (maybe I shouldn’t have said ‘confront’ but that’s what he was doing, in regards to what she had said), and she said yes, she felt like a burden in our house and had told our children as much. She has brought it up repeatedly for nearly six months since, and now refuses to speak to me. I honestly don’t know what she hopes to gain.

So is this the only thing that she's ever complained about in all these years of you hosting? And in what context does she "keep bringing it up?"

OP here. It came out of nowhere. She was so upset about the mud room comment, even thought it was a blanket comment made to everyone in the house (my husband was present and confirmed later that my delivery wasn’t rude or inappropriate) but it clearly bothered her so much that it made her offload onto our kids. She had before never made a comment about hosting in the entire decade before this past one and the mud room request, and had asked to stay here each and every time before. She brings it up every single time she speaks to my husband. I have apologized, but she won’t speak to me anymore.

That's super strange honestly, I wonder if its something else then. I can sort of get it if she's been a good guest, was in a mood that day and sarcastically said (not directly to you) "oh, I'm such a burden" that it hurt her feelings for DH to confront her over that. I don't know. If she were that oversensitive, its hard to believe there never was another issue that triggered her in all these yeare. You seem reasonable and i think you are reporting it accurately. So I wonder if she doesn't want to visit for other reasons (marriage problems) or has some kind of stress or hormonal issue that is making her blow this up, because I think neither your directive about the mudroom or her comment is that bad to cause so much drama (hers being worse but forgivable, we all can have a bad day).