I feel like I’m drowning—advice?

[Anonymous]

I’m dealing with a lot mentally and feel like I have no real support, because everyone in my life who could offer support, are the ones I’m supporting.

My husband is dealing with some health and mental health issues (he is in therapy and trying) and so I put a lot of effort into making things peaceful for him so he doesn’t spiral.

I have aging parents with health issues and needs, and a MIL with issues that I’m also helping DH manage.

A busy teenager.

Work. Plus my own stuff. I’m also in therapy and talking is nice, but it doesn’t take anything off my plate or offer any real, tangible support.

I have “self-care”, but it only helps temporarily. I have friends, but they also have their own issues and I won’t burden them or pile on; that would just be transferring the burden. I exercise. I get enough sleep. I eat enough. Drink enough water. I am just so mentally exhausted from taking care of everyone else.

And I’m not anxious or depressed, I’m just exhausted mentally, so there’s no pill for that. I’m working so hard to keep everyone else together, that I’m falling apart myself.

Another thing to worry about was dropped on my plate last night and I feel like just giving up. When I got the news I just laughed, like, the universe is playing some sick joke on me. I don’t know how much more I can take, mentally, and I have no idea what to do with this heavy load I’m carrying. I’d love any advice. Thanks in advance!

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry OP life can be hard and overwhelming.

Stop keeping the peace for your DH he's an adult it is not your responsibility to do that.

[Anonymous]

Delegate, outsource, say no.
Don't be a martyr. DH and teenager can pull their load.

[Anonymous]

Have you dumped your brain and clarified your priorities? At various times I've done this at a park, coffee shop, or hotel. Get a journal and start writing what's bothering you. It really helps me return to my values and prioritize my actions.

It's a little unclear what you are considering the burden? The mental load of tasks or the seriousness of the situations or the logistics? But for all of those it can help to write out your thoughts. Writing helps me see what is and isn't possible like what I can and cannot control and how much can fit into a day/week.

Is your self care really helpful to you or is it what society says is self care? I don't need a spa day. I need quiet place to process things, but YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Seriously, take a weekend off and go away somewhere you love by yourself. The beach, the mountains, wherever makes you happy. Turn your phone off. Your husband and teenager will survive without you.

Also consider setting boundaries around your husband. My xH had mental health problems (depression, ADHD, addiction), and the more I tried to help and accommodate him, the worse he got. It’s not a popular opinion but I really believe a lot of mental health “problems” manifest because people figure out others will cater to them.

[Anonymous]

I recently made my teenagers take responsibility for adding ALL their stuff to the family Google calendar. You want a ride home from sports practice? Won't happen unless it's on the calendar. You need me to order a required polo shirt for band? Again, make an appointment for me on the Google calendar at 8pm on a weeknight when I'm likely to have some downtime to get that done for you. It's a small step to remove some of the mental load combing through all the school and activity emails, and helps me plan better for the week to see all their time commitments in one place.

[Anonymous]

Can you cut back on work hours?

Is the teenager busy or are you busy with (probably unnecessary) support for your teen's lifestyle. You teen can be busy helping at home.

[Anonymous]

no advice just SAME.

[Anonymous]

When I feel the way you feel I try to get more sun (sit outside, go for walks) and get more sleep.

Extra sleep adds to my resilience although I function well on 5 hours of sleep.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry op. I feel the same way.

I feel like we as women always work ourselves to the bone. If you don't pull back now your body will force you to stop when sickness and or health conditions manifest.

Please don't ask me how I know this will happen. It happened to me and I literally had to pull back on everything. Someday I would just lay in bed. It's took me about 4 months of prioritizing self care letting everything else fall to the wayside to even begin to feel unburnt out.

I'm still not back at 100 percent yet I'd say I'm around 70 percent but working to get better daily.

I just changed my work from home set up to include an adjustable desk and a walking pad. Set both up today and walked on them while working. I also splurged on a 3 day juice fast. Have also been splurging on massages.

These are some of the things that have helped me. Your things might be different but the whole point I'm trying to make is that you're gonna need to get selfish and start putting yourself first.

[Anonymous]

Find out from DH, parents, MIL what the most important things they need you to do are.
Enlist busy teenager to help you...you are overloaded and can they manage some of their busyness or get rides, etc.? Help at home. Tell them it's not forever but you need a breather.
Then prioritize your list of stuff.
Don't do other stuff you try to add.

[Anonymous]

Welcome to the sandwich generation. If I had to work full time I could not manage. I work very part time and care for my aging parent and kids. Living off savings so I can have time to breathe and enjoy life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no advice just SAME.

+1!!

I support everyone, and no one can support me!! Haha!! May be we should all lower our expectations and accept failures or messiness in life. Forgive others is to forgive ourselves. Easy said than done.

[Anonymous]

I found body based therapies really helpful with this. I liked cedar and sage acupuncture, somatic exercises, inner child healing and Reiki/intuitive healing.

They helped me find other ways and spaces to be and things shifted in my life and I just don't feel the same anymore. It's very freeing.

I did seven years of psychological therapy before I started body based therapies and though the psych therapy did help me get through some tough stuff, I was noticing I still felt the same whenever something new struck. The therapist was great (I had tried a few) but I also overly noticed her issues (my hypervigilance from my upbringing).

You are worth the time and energy to bring things back into equilibrium for you. It needs to be about you. Your others need to take responsibility for themselves. Your life is for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you dumped your brain and clarified your priorities? At various times I've done this at a park, coffee shop, or hotel. Get a journal and start writing what's bothering you. It really helps me return to my values and prioritize my actions.

It's a little unclear what you are considering the burden? The mental load of tasks or the seriousness of the situations or the logistics? But for all of those it can help to write out your thoughts. Writing helps me see what is and isn't possible like what I can and cannot control and how much can fit into a day/week.

Is your self care really helpful to you or is it what society says is self care? I don't need a spa day. I need quiet place to process things, but YMMV.

I'm not OP but thank you for this, I needed it. I am so overwhelmed with things I need to get done that I just do nothing at all, making my life worst. I will try what you said.