If your father hit/beat you as punishment when your were a child

[Anonymous]

How did that impact you as an adult in your relationships and marriage?

[Anonymous]

That's a good question.
I will be 57 years old this November and I'm still working thru it. I used to blame my father solely but I realize my mother had a lot to do with it. He was just the one setup for the dirty work. He came home, was tired and I'm sure just wanted to relax but somehow was egged on to discipline the kids. This was the method by which my mother was able to preserve some semblance of being the "safe" parent.
He was an uninvolved parent otherwise so my mother drove this wedge that didn't need to exist. Later on, when the children entered adulthood, mother didn't know where else to park her angst except on her husband. It was a drama filled childhood as well as trauma model for marriage.
Suffice it to say the household was one of discord. Decades later and after my father's passing, I feel badly for what he went through. On the other hand, he should have been more perceptive to the craziness of his wife and not let himself or his children be manipulated. The children had no protector.

[Anonymous]

I never fully trusted any man and spurned all marriage discussions and proposals that came my way. Had a few serious relationships a few with cohabitation but compared to peers my relationships were relatively short lived. I was relieved when menopause removed nearly all my libido and ended all of my tolerance for male . . . stuff.

I know some people get beyond it differently but for me never having a dad I could trust or respect - because he beat the shit out of me among other things and enjoyed tormenting his own kids and his wife - left me essentially incapable to believe a guy could be good for me.

It took me hella long to figure that out; for years I just kept telling myself I hadn’t found the right guy or that I needed to do this or that for things to be right etc. but in the last decade or so I have come to see quite clearly that my likelihood for relationship or family building success was very low from conception onward. I was actually beaten in the womb when my ‘father’ would come home drunk and frustrated with the obligations of marriage and fatherhood and try to do a DIY termination on my mother’s pregnancy.

One of my clearest life memories is of the first time, sitting in my car in a rare desert rainstorm waiting to go in to get takeout Mexican food, that I heard the song Daughters by John Mayer. I wept like a child.

I realize now that along the way I hurt some nice boys and men, along with dumping some who really deserved that.

Yeah, men - don’t have kids if you can’t love and protect them properly and control your anger while raising them. Dysfunctional parenting leaves a lifelong legacy of pain. Yes children are resilient but that means they survive, it doesn’t mean they thrive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a good question.
I will be 57 years old this November and I'm still working thru it. I used to blame my father solely but I realize my mother had a lot to do with it. He was just the one setup for the dirty work. He came home, was tired and I'm sure just wanted to relax but somehow was egged on to discipline the kids. This was the method by which my mother was able to preserve some semblance of being the "safe" parent.
He was an uninvolved parent otherwise so my mother drove this wedge that didn't need to exist. Later on, when the children entered adulthood, mother didn't know where else to park her angst except on her husband. It was a drama filled childhood as well as trauma model for marriage.
Suffice it to say the household was one of discord. Decades later and after my father's passing, I feel badly for what he went through. On the other hand, he should have been more perceptive to the craziness of his wife and not let himself or his children be manipulated. The children had no protector.

Follow up - so I'm still trying to figure out how it impacted my marriage.
I definitely don't hit my kids. I let them be mostly and try to guide them because I know coercion doesn't work. The kids have turned out exceptionally well and my ex is thankful for it.
As for my marriage, after my father passed I thought about how accommodating I have been and let myself recede into support role only in the marriage. I didn't matter much in the marriage. Maybe it was because the kids were small and those years are tough. There was lots of financial abuse and I was definitely diminished as a person. I wanted out and got it for several years of separation.
My ex and I currently get along very well. Maybe we are reconciling, we don't know. The separation made us more civil, treat each other with respect if not wariness. But with the passing of our elders, we are also acutely aware of loss and how much more loss is still to come. So I think we are trying to value each other more.

[Anonymous]

It made me not want to marry someone like either of my parents. Thankfully, I did. He helped me separate from them as he is always there for me and makes sure I need/want nothing from them (to the point I take no money, not even a meal from them to keep boundaries).

[Anonymous]

I got spanked rarely and I did deserve it.

No issues. I married a great man like my dad. Very happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never fully trusted any man and spurned all marriage discussions and proposals that came my way. Had a few serious relationships a few with cohabitation but compared to peers my relationships were relatively short lived. I was relieved when menopause removed nearly all my libido and ended all of my tolerance for male . . . stuff.

I know some people get beyond it differently but for me never having a dad I could trust or respect - because he beat the shit out of me among other things and enjoyed tormenting his own kids and his wife - left me essentially incapable to believe a guy could be good for me.

It took me hella long to figure that out; for years I just kept telling myself I hadn’t found the right guy or that I needed to do this or that for things to be right etc. but in the last decade or so I have come to see quite clearly that my likelihood for relationship or family building success was very low from conception onward. I was actually beaten in the womb when my ‘father’ would come home drunk and frustrated with the obligations of marriage and fatherhood and try to do a DIY termination on my mother’s pregnancy.

One of my clearest life memories is of the first time, sitting in my car in a rare desert rainstorm waiting to go in to get takeout Mexican food, that I heard the song Daughters by John Mayer. I wept like a child.

I realize now that along the way I hurt some nice boys and men, along with dumping some who really deserved that.

Yeah, men - don’t have kids if you can’t love and protect them properly and control your anger while raising them. Dysfunctional parenting leaves a lifelong legacy of pain. Yes children are resilient but that means they survive, it doesn’t mean they thrive.

That’s not being spanked for punishment. Your dad was straight up abusive for no reason. I’m so sorry!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How did that impact you as an adult in your relationships and marriage?

If a father does, kids feel like its ok to hit others or let others hit you. Fortunately mine never did and I feel as a result, I never saw hitting someone else or getting hit myself as an acceptable option.

[Anonymous]

I made sure to marry a man who is not violent and can manage his emotions in a healthy way.

[Anonymous]

I have a terrible relationship with my father and will not mourn him when he passes.

I have a complicated relationship with my mother and do resent her somewhat for not protecting us or intervening, because I do think she knew it was wrong.

I waited until my late 30s to have a child because I didn't want to be an abusive parent and that's how long it took me in therapy to feel confident I had the emotional maturity to handle the stress of parenting differently and not fall into the patterns I was raised with. This is also why I only had one child -- it was too late to have more and also I didn't want to take on too much given that I was breaking generational patterns.

I became a people pleaser and developed the habit of always putting the needs of others first even (or perhaps especially) when they are unreasonable or harmful to me. I am still working on this in my 40s and have wound up in abusive relationships with friends and at work because my people pleasing attracts people with abusive personalities who are looking for someone who will accept and accommodate even their worst behavior. I'm finally getting better at recognizing this pattern early on and removing myself from relationships with people who seek to take advantage of my enabling behaviors.

I do think I'm fortunate in that I figured out a lot of this early enough to avoid abusive romantic relationships. I knew I didn't want to marry a man like my dad and was on the look out for certain behaviors. My husband is not abusive and would never hit, and also I made it VERY clear before we got married that I would never tolerate that. I also got married in my mid-30s though -- I think having an abusive father resulted in it taking me longer to find and settle into a romantic relationship because I didn't have any real model for what a healthy marriage looked like. I had to learn from therapy and surrounding myself with people who had healthy relationships.

[Anonymous]

Both of my parents regularly hit me. It made me avoid men like my father and focus instead on finding someone kind. Like another PP, I waited until late 30s to become a parent and only had one child because I was so afraid of screwing up being a parent.

[Anonymous]

As a child, when my father hit me with a belt, I made a point not to cry. I’d lift my chin, stand tall, and act like it didn’t hurt, like I was untouchable. That quiet defiance always seemed to drive him even deeper into his anger.

As an adult, I enjoy BDSM-lite, including spanking. I wonder what Freud would say about that.

[Anonymous]

I grew up in an area where this was very common

Children who have violent childhoods many turn to alcohol as adults

Many if the people I knew came from large families most if married ended up n divorce

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That's a good question.
I will be 57 years old this November and I'm still working thru it. I used to blame my father solely but I realize my mother had a lot to do with it. He was just the one setup for the dirty work. He came home, was tired and I'm sure just wanted to relax but somehow was egged on to discipline the kids. This was the method by which my mother was able to preserve some semblance of being the "safe" parent.
He was an uninvolved parent otherwise so my mother drove this wedge that didn't need to exist. Later on, when the children entered adulthood, mother didn't know where else to park her angst except on her husband. It was a drama filled childhood as well as trauma model for marriage.
Suffice it to say the household was one of discord. Decades later and after my father's passing, I feel badly for what he went through. On the other hand, he should have been more perceptive to the craziness of his wife and not let himself or his children be manipulated. The children had no protector.

You seem to have a lot of qualities of your dad. We have to realize how their problems taught us dysfunction. Per your admission your dad was low energy and uninvolved and prone to inaction until he lost it and your mom over anxious and needing to feel loved and safe. Its unclear if they blamed each other but basically I read neither of them were proactive. I dont really hear how this affected you other than your hurt. I dont hear what tendencies you will change to grow into a different person. We cant change our parents and blaming one or the other or both doesnt really accomplish anything other than just noticing their dysfunction. We can only change ourselves and the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's a good question.
I will be 57 years old this November and I'm still working thru it. I used to blame my father solely but I realize my mother had a lot to do with it. He was just the one setup for the dirty work. He came home, was tired and I'm sure just wanted to relax but somehow was egged on to discipline the kids. This was the method by which my mother was able to preserve some semblance of being the "safe" parent.
He was an uninvolved parent otherwise so my mother drove this wedge that didn't need to exist. Later on, when the children entered adulthood, mother didn't know where else to park her angst except on her husband. It was a drama filled childhood as well as trauma model for marriage.
Suffice it to say the household was one of discord. Decades later and after my father's passing, I feel badly for what he went through. On the other hand, he should have been more perceptive to the craziness of his wife and not let himself or his children be manipulated. The children had no protector.

You seem to have a lot of qualities of your dad. We have to realize how their problems taught us dysfunction. Per your admission your dad was low energy and uninvolved and prone to inaction until he lost it and your mom over anxious and needing to feel loved and safe. Its unclear if they blamed each other but basically I read neither of them were proactive. I dont really hear how this affected you other than your hurt. I dont hear what tendencies you will change to grow into a different person. We cant change our parents and blaming one or the other or both doesnt really accomplish anything other than just noticing their dysfunction. We can only change ourselves and the future.

Actually, I have been a very involved parent in my children's lives. The reason my ex and I still get on well is because he is grateful for how I reared them. I am also a lot more ambitious than my father was. My father took things very easy and we grew up poor.
How it affected me, I think, is that I also chose a man who was uninvolved in family life. My father's death was amidst the years when my kids were very small and his death opened up a lot of questions about my choices. I thought alot about him. Realizing that my choice of spouse was similarly uninvolved was part of my reason for separating. My spouse hit me and that was the final trigger. It set of mega alarms. I feared having this normalized in my adult life and possibly my kids lives.

When I started separation, a much seasoned matrimonial attorney (friend's father) counseled me that a girl's father is the first male relationship she will have in her life and it sets a template of what to expect. I thought about what this meant in my own marriage and decided that my daughter should not be without a decent template. So unlike my mother, I encouraged and supported the children's relationship with my ex. Maybe that is what brought us to some sort of peace. It helps that ex is actively interested in them as young adults which is great because I can't parent young adults alone. Little kids had emotional needs I could fulfill, young adults are more complicated and need both of us.
It helped that I wasn't angry. The podcast "trashy divorces" reminds listeners over and over again that women tend to marry with this idea that "I will CHANGE him" and it never pans out. I sure was guilty of that.
Basically, I accept that ex is who he is, had always been. The stress of young children and being the sole breadwinner was very hard on him and he tried hard to hide the latter. Unlike my father, he is much more content working, working, working. Maybe in some ways I overcompensated for my father's shortcomings in that department.