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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]That's a good question.
I will be 57 years old this November and I'm still working thru it. I used to blame my father solely but I realize my mother had a lot to do with it. He was just the one setup for the dirty work. He came home, was tired and I'm sure just wanted to relax but somehow was egged on to discipline the kids. This was the method by which my mother was able to preserve some semblance of being the "safe" parent.
He was an uninvolved parent otherwise so my mother drove this wedge that didn't need to exist. Later on, when the children entered adulthood, mother didn't know where else to park her angst except on her husband. It was a drama filled childhood as well as trauma model for marriage.
Suffice it to say the household was one of discord. Decades later and after my father's passing, I feel badly for what he went through. On the other hand, he should have been more perceptive to the craziness of his wife and not let himself or his children be manipulated. The children had no protector.[/quote]

You seem to have a lot of qualities of your dad. We have to realize how their problems taught us dysfunction.  Per your admission your dad was low energy and uninvolved and prone to inaction until he lost it and your mom over anxious and needing to feel loved and safe. Its unclear if they blamed each other but basically I read neither of them were proactive.  I dont really hear how this affected you other than your hurt. I dont hear what tendencies you will change to grow into a different person. We cant change our parents and blaming one or the other or both doesnt really accomplish anything other than just noticing their dysfunction.  We can only change ourselves and the future. [/quote]

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