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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]That's a good question.
I will be 57 years old this November and I'm still working thru it. I used to blame my father solely but I realize my mother had a lot to do with it. He was just the one setup for the dirty work. He came home, was tired and I'm sure just wanted to relax but somehow was egged on to discipline the kids. This was the method by which my mother was able to preserve some semblance of being the "safe" parent.
He was an uninvolved parent otherwise so my mother drove this wedge that didn't need to exist. Later on, when the children entered adulthood, mother didn't know where else to park her angst except on her husband. It was a drama filled childhood as well as trauma model for marriage.
Suffice it to say the household was one of discord. Decades later and after my father's passing, I feel badly for what he went through. On the other hand, he should have been more perceptive to the craziness of his wife and not let himself or his children be manipulated. The children had no protector.[/quote]

Follow up - so I'm still trying to figure out how it impacted my marriage.
I definitely don't hit my kids. I let them be mostly and try to guide them because I know coercion doesn't work. The kids have turned out exceptionally well and my ex is thankful for it.
As for my marriage, after my father passed I thought about how accommodating I have been and let myself recede into support role only in the marriage. I didn't matter much in the marriage. Maybe it was because the kids were small and those years are tough. There was lots of financial abuse and I was definitely diminished as a person. I wanted out and got it for several years of separation. 
My ex and I currently get along very well. Maybe we are reconciling, we don't know. The separation made us more civil, treat each other with respect if not wariness. But with the passing of our elders, we are also acutely aware of loss and how much more loss is still to come. So I think we are trying to value each other more.[/quote]

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