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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]That's a good question.
I will be 57 years old this November and I'm still working thru it. I used to blame my father solely but I realize my mother had a lot to do with it. He was just the one setup for the dirty work. He came home, was tired and I'm sure just wanted to relax but somehow was egged on to discipline the kids. This was the method by which my mother was able to preserve some semblance of being the "safe" parent.
He was an uninvolved parent otherwise so my mother drove this wedge that didn't need to exist. Later on, when the children entered adulthood, mother didn't know where else to park her angst except on her husband. It was a drama filled childhood as well as trauma model for marriage.
Suffice it to say the household was one of discord. Decades later and after my father's passing, I feel badly for what he went through. On the other hand, he should have been more perceptive to the craziness of his wife and not let himself or his children be manipulated. The children had no protector.[/quote]

You seem to have a lot of qualities of your dad. We have to realize how their problems taught us dysfunction.  Per your admission your dad was low energy and uninvolved and prone to inaction until he lost it and your mom over anxious and needing to feel loved and safe. Its unclear if they blamed each other but basically I read neither of them were proactive.  I dont really hear how this affected you other than your hurt. I dont hear what tendencies you will change to grow into a different person. We cant change our parents and blaming one or the other or both doesnt really accomplish anything other than just noticing their dysfunction.  We can only change ourselves and the future. [/quote]

Actually, I have been a very involved parent in my children's lives. The reason my ex and I still get on well is because he is grateful for how I reared them. I am also a lot more ambitious than my father was. My father took things very easy and we grew up poor. 
How it affected me, I think, is that I also chose a man who was uninvolved in family life. My father's death was amidst the years when my kids were very small and his death opened up a lot of questions about my choices. I thought alot about him. Realizing that my choice of spouse was similarly uninvolved was part of my reason for separating. My spouse hit me and that was the final trigger. It set of mega alarms. I feared having this normalized in my adult life and possibly my kids lives.

When I started separation, a much seasoned matrimonial attorney (friend's father) counseled me that a girl's father is the first male relationship she will have in her life and it sets a template of what to expect. I thought about what this meant in my own marriage and decided that my daughter should not be without a decent template. So unlike my mother, I encouraged and supported the children's relationship with my ex. Maybe that is what brought us to some sort of peace. It helps that ex is actively interested in them as young adults which is great because I can't parent young adults alone. Little kids had emotional needs I could fulfill, young adults are more complicated and need both of us.
It helped that I wasn't angry. The podcast "trashy divorces" reminds listeners over and over again that women tend to marry with this idea that "I will CHANGE him" and it never pans out. I sure was guilty of that. 
Basically, I accept that ex is who he is, had always been. The stress of young children and being the sole breadwinner was very hard on him and he tried hard to hide the latter. Unlike my father, he is much more content working, working, working. Maybe in some ways I overcompensated for my father's shortcomings in that department. [/quote]

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