Post-divorce relationships and meeting/getting to know the family

[Anonymous]

My brother got divorced about 7 years ago. His ex-wife was a very good friend of mine (I didn't introduce them but knew her well for years before they got together) and I was really sad when they split up. She is now mostly not in my life. I see her sometimes at functions for her kids (my nieces) but we don't socialize otherwise because it's too awkward.

Three years ago my brother started dating another woman. They decided to move in together and blend their families, but they didn't get married. They say it was because they both have minor kids and getting married complicates things like college financial aid, so it's easier to keep their finances somewhat separate. My Girlfriend-in-law (GIL) is nice and friendly. She clearly wants to get along well with my brother's family. She's probably not someone I would choose to be friends with the way I would with his ex-wife, but I have no problem with her as a SIL.

The issue is that because they never got engaged and married, and because their relationship proceeded so quickly, it all feels really abrupt to me and I still just do not think of the GIL or her kids as family, and it feels weird to me. GIL will call our kids "cousins" and I find it jarring -- I think of them more like I think of the kids of my college friends. I also am reluctant to fold her into my concept of family because I *did* think of the ex-wife as family for many years and now she's not in my life at all, and I could easily see that happening with his girlfriend and her kids -- things are going well now but they are both coming from failed marriages and they both of strong personalities and some impulsive tendencies, and I wouldn't be shocked if they split up within the next 5-10 years. And since they aren't even married, there are few obstacles to them breaking up and for her and her kids to disappear from my life altogether.

Does anyone else have this issue? I wish there were more protocols for how people folded new relationships into their extended family after a divorce. The first time around, my brother and his ex dated for several years, then moved in together, then got engaged, then there was a big wedding where the families came together. So it felt very natural and I felt genuinely close to my SIL by then. But there's been none of that with the GIL but I feel like I'm expected to have the same degree of closeness and familiarity, not just with her but with her kids, and I just don't. I don't dislike them, I just don't feel close to them and it bugs me that they seem to assume we are close.

[Anonymous]

I mean who your brother dates and lives with is really not your business.

Now if you have an issue with the GF calling the kids cousins.. Be an adult -- ask her not to or speak to your brother on that.

If you do.. prepare for things to become weird.

[Anonymous]

There is a protocol. It's engagement and marriage. But that wouldn't stop them from getting divorced.

It seems like you don't like this person and don't consider the relationship stable, so feel free to tune her out and be distant. It's ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother got divorced about 7 years ago. His ex-wife was a very good friend of mine (I didn't introduce them but knew her well for years before they got together) and I was really sad when they split up. She is now mostly not in my life. I see her sometimes at functions for her kids (my nieces) but we don't socialize otherwise because it's too awkward.

Three years ago my brother started dating another woman. They decided to move in together and blend their families, but they didn't get married. They say it was because they both have minor kids and getting married complicates things like college financial aid, so it's easier to keep their finances somewhat separate. My Girlfriend-in-law (GIL) is nice and friendly. She clearly wants to get along well with my brother's family. She's probably not someone I would choose to be friends with the way I would with his ex-wife, but I have no problem with her as a SIL.

The issue is that because they never got engaged and married, and because their relationship proceeded so quickly, it all feels really abrupt to me and I still just do not think of the GIL or her kids as family, and it feels weird to me. GIL will call our kids "cousins" and I find it jarring -- I think of them more like I think of the kids of my college friends. I also am reluctant to fold her into my concept of family because I *did* think of the ex-wife as family for many years and now she's not in my life at all, and I could easily see that happening with his girlfriend and her kids -- things are going well now but they are both coming from failed marriages and they both of strong personalities and some impulsive tendencies, and I wouldn't be shocked if they split up within the next 5-10 years. And since they aren't even married, there are few obstacles to them breaking up and for her and her kids to disappear from my life altogether.

Does anyone else have this issue? I wish there were more protocols for how people folded new relationships into their extended family after a divorce. The first time around, my brother and his ex dated for several years, then moved in together, then got engaged, then there was a big wedding where the families came together. So it felt very natural and I felt genuinely close to my SIL by then. But there's been none of that with the GIL but I feel like I'm expected to have the same degree of closeness and familiarity, not just with her but with her kids, and I just don't. I don't dislike them, I just don't feel close to them and it bugs me that they seem to assume we are close.

It takes a while. Just be kind.

[Anonymous]

What you are exhibiting is the
stereotype-by-proxy of the evil stepmother.

Except in this case it's your brother's partner not your father's.

I think you don't like the "GIL" simply because she's not your former SIL, who you were close to. You've got it in your head that she's the problem instead of looking in the mirror.

Either you accept your brother's choice in a partner or you don't. Just don't be a hypocrite about it.

If you don't like her, then just let your brother know that. Tell him you don't want your kids referred to as "cousins" and that from now on you'd be more comfortable if GIL treated you cordially but at a distance. Limit your interaction with them.

That way both your brother and GIL will know up front that you are not willing nor capable of being accepting of her and her kids.

And if they distance themselves from you, that is a natural reaction and one you should expect.

You should also expect that if their relationship is indeed successful and they live happily ever after, you won't be a part of it.

[Anonymous]

Being nice and being besties are 2 different things. Why can’t you be nice to her and invite them all to family get togethers? To be honest, your brother has made it clear (not getting married) how he views their relationship. The cousin thing is weird, but I would let that go because your kids either are aware of their real relationship or will as they grow older.

[Anonymous]

For the sake of family harmony, you should be kind and try not to get hung up on the awkwardness. Their life is already so complicated, so whatever small support you can give will be greatly appreciated.

We also have a blended family situation, and the cousins barely know the stepkids. When we have family events, those kids usually do their own thing with their biological parent. They are welcome, but they generally have other things they'd rather do than hang out with their stepparent's family. This even applies on holidays.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My brother got divorced about 7 years ago. His ex-wife was a very good friend of mine (I didn't introduce them but knew her well for years before they got together) and I was really sad when they split up. She is now mostly not in my life. I see her sometimes at functions for her kids (my nieces) but we don't socialize otherwise because it's too awkward.

Three years ago my brother started dating another woman. They decided to move in together and blend their families, but they didn't get married. They say it was because they both have minor kids and getting married complicates things like college financial aid, so it's easier to keep their finances somewhat separate. My Girlfriend-in-law (GIL) is nice and friendly. She clearly wants to get along well with my brother's family. She's probably not someone I would choose to be friends with the way I would with his ex-wife, but I have no problem with her as a SIL.

The issue is that because they never got engaged and married, and because their relationship proceeded so quickly, it all feels really abrupt to me and I still just do not think of the GIL or her kids as family, and it feels weird to me. GIL will call our kids "cousins" and I find it jarring -- I think of them more like I think of the kids of my college friends. I also am reluctant to fold her into my concept of family because I *did* think of the ex-wife as family for many years and now she's not in my life at all, and I could easily see that happening with his girlfriend and her kids -- things are going well now but they are both coming from failed marriages and they both of strong personalities and some impulsive tendencies, and I wouldn't be shocked if they split up within the next 5-10 years. And since they aren't even married, there are few obstacles to them breaking up and for her and her kids to disappear from my life altogether.

Does anyone else have this issue? I wish there were more protocols for how people folded new relationships into their extended family after a divorce. The first time around, my brother and his ex dated for several years, then moved in together, then got engaged, then there was a big wedding where the families came together. So it felt very natural and I felt genuinely close to my SIL by then. But there's been none of that with the GIL but I feel like I'm expected to have the same degree of closeness and familiarity, not just with her but with her kids, and I just don't. I don't dislike them, I just don't feel close to them and it bugs me that they seem to assume we are close.

It takes a while. Just be kind.

Yes. I think this is the best advice. My sister has been married twice. The divorce was messy from her first husband (and more her fault than his). I genuinely liked him, my kids considered him uncle. The divorce meant losing him. I doubt I'll ever think of her new husband as my "brother" or be that close to him. Just not worth the emotional effort. I like his kids, but they are teens, and I've only been in their company a handful of times. I don't feel close to them, but, I can be kind to them and make them feel welcome when they are around.

[Anonymous]

If brother’s first wife died and he met someone new would you feel the same way?

I understand the jarring feeling. You don’t have to like the new girlfriend. Them not being married though, obviously marriage isn’t forever for your brother so you can’t hold that against her, and what they’re saying regarding keeping things separate because of the kids is a wise move.

But this woman isn’t an AP and hasn’t done anything wrong, so you don’t get to be rude to her.

[Anonymous]

I completely understand the OP's reservations. If the brother won't commit, should his family?
It is awfully weird for the kids to be called cousins when there is no formal kinship and when the brother's relationship breaks, so does that of the kids.

There was a scene in Boyhood after the mom remarries and they blend their families but the marriage breaks down and the mom has to not only leave but call the stepchildren's mother to come take her kids because the dad was just a mess. As the mom drove away, her kids looked out their rear window and asked themselves, "I wonder if we'll ever see them (the former step-siblings) again."

This is the sort of abrupt rupture that OP is worried about.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it!!
I'm not in the same situation as you but I get it. I feel this way as an adult child of divorce who watched my parents remarry and split again, and have had a sibling divorce. I've been burned by it. You, too, have been burned by it. That is a normal and understandable reaction. You fully and completely embraced your former sister in law as 100% family, and why wouldn't you? But now she's not family. That IS an unsettling feeling. I am nice to the people in my parents and siblings' lives. I wish the relationships well. I'll never be invested in their relationships again. Those people are not my family. I don't like to pretend. Again, I am nice, polite, warm. But I don't pretend. So and so is not aunt to my kids and I had a similar jarring recoil feeling when a sibling's girlfriend self-described themselves to me as Aunt Larla in total seriousness. Nope. I'm in the one who hands out honorary aunt titles, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it!!
I'm not in the same situation as you but I get it. I feel this way as an adult child of divorce who watched my parents remarry and split again, and have had a sibling divorce. I've been burned by it. You, too, have been burned by it. That is a normal and understandable reaction. You fully and completely embraced your former sister in law as 100% family, and why wouldn't you? But now she's not family. That IS an unsettling feeling. I am nice to the people in my parents and siblings' lives. I wish the relationships well. I'll never be invested in their relationships again. Those people are not my family. I don't like to pretend. Again, I am nice, polite, warm. But I don't pretend. So and so is not aunt to my kids and I had a similar jarring recoil feeling when a sibling's girlfriend self-described themselves to me as Aunt Larla in total seriousness. Nope. I'm in the one who hands out honorary aunt titles, thanks.

Just curious.

When/if your siblings marry and have/had kids, do you expect the same treatment from your sisters/brothers-in-law? In other words, YOU are not their immediate family and if a divorce or breakup were to occur, they might never see you again. So when your nieces and nephews call you aunt, do their parents correct them?

Or does it only go one way with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it!!
I'm not in the same situation as you but I get it. I feel this way as an adult child of divorce who watched my parents remarry and split again, and have had a sibling divorce. I've been burned by it. You, too, have been burned by it. That is a normal and understandable reaction. You fully and completely embraced your former sister in law as 100% family, and why wouldn't you? But now she's not family. That IS an unsettling feeling. I am nice to the people in my parents and siblings' lives. I wish the relationships well. I'll never be invested in their relationships again. Those people are not my family. I don't like to pretend. Again, I am nice, polite, warm. But I don't pretend. So and so is not aunt to my kids and I had a similar jarring recoil feeling when a sibling's girlfriend self-described themselves to me as Aunt Larla in total seriousness. Nope. I'm in the one who hands out honorary aunt titles, thanks.

Just curious.

When/if your siblings marry and have/had kids, do you expect the same treatment from your sisters/brothers-in-law? In other words, YOU are not their immediate family and if a divorce or breakup were to occur, they might never see you again. So when your nieces and nephews call you aunt, do their parents correct them?

Or does it only go one way with you?

My sibling’s current new girlfriend’s kids from her prior marriage are not my nieces, correct

My sibling’s children born into his (first) marriage are my nieces and will always be related to me even though their mom is divorced from my sibling.

Does that help or is this still really hard to follow?

If you hadn’t had an extended family with multiple divorces and a revolving door of relationships, it may be hard to intellectually understand why I think my dad’s 4th girlfriend in the past 10 yrs is a nice lady but she’s not my kids’ nana.

[Anonymous]

It’s not abrupt.

He divorced 7 years ago and they have dated 3 years … so that part of your post is not reasonable.

Her kids are not your family. She is not your family. That is clear.

But who cares, you hang out and receive people in your home or at family events all the time.

You have some unreasonable expectation that your SIL should be like a sister.

You need to get over your hang-up’s., that doesn’t mean you have to be buddy buddy with your brother girl friend, just be a mature adult

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not abrupt.

He divorced 7 years ago and they have dated 3 years … so that part of your post is not reasonable.

Her kids are not your family. She is not your family. That is clear.

But who cares, you hang out and receive people in your home or at family events all the time.

You have some unreasonable expectation that your SIL should be like a sister.

You need to get over your hang-up’s., that doesn’t mean you have to be buddy buddy with your brother girl friend, just be a mature adult

OP didn’t say anything that suggests she isn’t being a mature adult.

She’s just saying it feels uncomfortable to have the pretense or theater that they are closer or have a deeper relationship than they really do. She’s not being impolite or uncaring.