Post-divorce relationships and meeting/getting to know the family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it!!
I'm not in the same situation as you but I get it. I feel this way as an adult child of divorce who watched my parents remarry and split again, and have had a sibling divorce. I've been burned by it. You, too, have been burned by it. That is a normal and understandable reaction. You fully and completely embraced your former sister in law as 100% family, and why wouldn't you? But now she's not family. That IS an unsettling feeling. I am nice to the people in my parents and siblings' lives. I wish the relationships well. I'll never be invested in their relationships again. Those people are not my family. I don't like to pretend. Again, I am nice, polite, warm. But I don't pretend. So and so is not aunt to my kids and I had a similar jarring recoil feeling when a sibling's girlfriend self-described themselves to me as Aunt Larla in total seriousness. Nope. I'm in the one who hands out honorary aunt titles, thanks.

Just curious.

When/if your siblings marry and have/had kids, do you expect the same treatment from your sisters/brothers-in-law? In other words, YOU are not their immediate family and if a divorce or breakup were to occur, they might never see you again. So when your nieces and nephews call you aunt, do their parents correct them?

Or does it only go one way with you?

My sibling’s current new girlfriend’s kids from her prior marriage are not my nieces, correct

My sibling’s children born into his (first) marriage are my nieces and will always be related to me even though their mom is divorced from my sibling.

Does that help or is this still really hard to follow?

If you hadn’t had an extended family with multiple divorces and a revolving door of relationships, it may be hard to intellectually understand why I think my dad’s 4th girlfriend in the past 10 yrs is a nice lady but she’s not my kids’ nana.

Thanks for the First Family ONLY PSA

[Anonymous]

I have a neighborhood friend who is a second wife - she didn't feel welcome in her husband's family, so after a few tries, she just didn't engage with any of his siblings or her new parents-in-law. She dropped the rope, as people like to say on here. The result is that my friend and her husband have the full support of her family - her parents are involved, helpful grandparents, her siblings are close, and all their kids/cousins are close. They don't live in his home state, and it's almost like his side of the family doesn't exist. Grandparents have met their kids less than a handful of times, and I'm unsure whether the cousins have ever met. The husband, like many men, isn't very good at maintaining family relationships, so they just died.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I completely understand the OP's reservations. If the brother won't commit, should his family?
It is awfully weird for the kids to be called cousins when there is no formal kinship and when the brother's relationship breaks, so does that of the kids.

There was a scene in Boyhood after the mom remarries and they blend their families but the marriage breaks down and the mom has to not only leave but call the stepchildren's mother to come take her kids because the dad was just a mess. As the mom drove away, her kids looked out their rear window and asked themselves, "I wonder if we'll ever see them (the former step-siblings) again."

This is the sort of abrupt rupture that OP is worried about.

That’s a bad example because in that movie the mother married the man and then he became abusive. OP is saying brother and girlfriend are not married.

[Anonymous]

+1 for being kind. Who cares if the cousins aren't "real" cousins. Make them feel welcome - they have been through a lot. Also the ex who you don't really keep in touch with is obviously not going know anything about your relationship with your brother's new partner. Snubbing her isn't going to make anyone feel better. There's absolutely nothing to be gained by withholding - it will only make you look like an ass and cause additional pain and awkwardness.

[Anonymous]

We call everyone cousins. It's not a big deal. My side has grandparent divorce, so I have step-siblings who have kids of their own. Some are "legally" steps and some are just partner steps and some are even EX-step-kids who now have kids. Who cares. All their kids, who are the generation of my kids, are "cousins". They don't all have the same relationship, and that's fine too.

The steps I don't really like, I don't go out of my way to hang out with. When we see each other, I'm nice. The end.

[Anonymous]

Cousins? No way. Kids are not cousins, call her out. She is not a wife, she is a gf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We call everyone cousins. It's not a big deal. My side has grandparent divorce, so I have step-siblings who have kids of their own. Some are "legally" steps and some are just partner steps and some are even EX-step-kids who now have kids. Who cares. All their kids, who are the generation of my kids, are "cousins". They don't all have the same relationship, and that's fine too.

The steps I don't really like, I don't go out of my way to hang out with. When we see each other, I'm nice. The end.

My best friend’s kids call me Auntie. Its cultural and a term of endearment. I like it and it's not that deep.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not abrupt.

He divorced 7 years ago and they have dated 3 years … so that part of your post is not reasonable.

Her kids are not your family. She is not your family. That is clear.

But who cares, you hang out and receive people in your home or at family events all the time.

You have some unreasonable expectation that your SIL should be like a sister.

You need to get over your hang-up’s., that doesn’t mean you have to be buddy buddy with your brother girl friend, just be a mature adult

OP didn’t say anything that suggests she isn’t being a mature adult.

She’s just saying it feels uncomfortable to have the pretense or theater that they are closer or have a deeper relationship than they really do. She’s not being impolite or uncaring.

OP here and thanks for sticking up for me. I'm never anything but kind and polite to everyone. It's more that I am wrestling mentally with this feeling like I'm being pushed into a close relationship with people who could just disappear from my life overnight like my SIL did. I keep my brother's GF and her kids at arms length, and kind of feel like a jerk for doing it, but also feel that for my own mental wellness it's the right thing. It's just hard and awkward and I've never heard anyone talk about this before so was hoping to find kindred spirits here.

It's not about judging or disliking my brother's GF. She seems perfectly nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We call everyone cousins. It's not a big deal. My side has grandparent divorce, so I have step-siblings who have kids of their own. Some are "legally" steps and some are just partner steps and some are even EX-step-kids who now have kids. Who cares. All their kids, who are the generation of my kids, are "cousins". They don't all have the same relationship, and that's fine too.

The steps I don't really like, I don't go out of my way to hang out with. When we see each other, I'm nice. The end.

My best friend’s kids call me Auntie. Its cultural and a term of endearment. I like it and it's not that deep.

That's different though because that title is based on YOUR relationship with the kid's parents. In my case, these titles are being pushed by people whose presence in my life and my kids' lives is entirely dependent on a relationship I'm not a party to.

If you and your best friend had a falling out and you didn't see her kids again, you would at least know why it happened and have had some part in the falling out. Whereas if my brother splits up with his GF, then suddenly she would no longer be my kid's "auntie" and her kids would no longer be cousins, without my kids or I being involved at all.

[Anonymous]

Some people are quick to warm up and some people are not. It sounds like you need more time and may never feel particularly close to this woman, but she does to your family by way of your brother. You can either make it a thing and say something to her or your brother (don't recommend) or just accept that she's warmer than you are in this regard.

FWIW, my kids have a ton of "cousins" despite me being an only child and my ex husband having two brothers, neither of whom have kids. Everyone is also their best friend, so they're just the types to bring everyone together and be close.

[Anonymous]

They (the couple) haven't committed to each other - no reason you should judge yourself that you do not feel a deep level of commitment to her.

[Anonymous]

Why does this have to be a big deal? Just be pleasant and friendly when you see each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does this have to be a big deal? Just be pleasant and friendly when you see each other.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP, you just need to be friendly, polite, civil, considerate, etc. You don't need to be besties. It's fine.

I'd let the cousins thing go. It would be weird and drama-ish for you to "call her out" on it.

I kinda get what you are saying in some way, though. I have been dating my "boyfriend" for lack of a better word for six years. Living together for four. He has two teenage kids to whom I am a quasi-stepmom. I do worry the lack of permanence is not great for the kids. Your bro's arguments about college financial aid are solid, btw. That's one of the reasons we are not marrying, at least not yet. I have enough assets to kick them out of the running for financial aid, but not enough to hand over the extra cash they would need thanks to my assets and income being included on their financial aid forms. I think it's pretty awful to marry someone, make it so that their kids can't get financial aid, and then NOT help pay for college. A lot of my assets are in a family business so it's complicated. It's just easier not to get married from a financial messiness standard but the lack of permanence and commitment is a little weird feeling.