Male friendships - what counts

[Anonymous]

This was a pretty introspective discussion typical of how we lose friends. Men pivot to the family and in a way that doesn’t easily beget new friends (I’m friendly with my kids other dads but rarely had time to have those long idle hours where friendships bloom, proximity is key you know).

I am good at staying in touch with friends from high school and college, but only see them sporadically — like every few years but getting better now that kids are older and I can maybe go away for a weekend without undue hardship for family.

https://www.nytimes.com/2025/05/25/magazine/male-friendships.html?smid=nytcore-ios-share&referringSource=articleShare

In articles like this do they mean no local regular male friendships or none at all even long distance? I can’t image in having lost touch with everyone — but it’s possible because we moved to DC for work and had kids right away so no time to build friendships here.

Also, side note, the bike ride altercation sounds completely out of character, and I wonder if it’s from the podcasts binge? It was crazy based upon the image of what kind of mellow dude the author seemed.

[Anonymous]

I really struggled with male friendships the entire time I was raising my kids. Things improved a little after I became an empty nester. I also got divorced. Turns out my friends did not feel comfortable around my ex wife.

[Anonymous]

Back in the day the men would go to the Elk Lodge or whatever. Now they don’t.

[Anonymous]

Local friends, it’s a real PITA trying to set up a time when both are free. Might get better when kids go to college. Been doing some activity based meetups but that’s not much more of a friendship than chatting to other dads at my kids games.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Back in the day the men would go to the Elk Lodge or whatever. Now they don’t.

OP here. I actually want to join Knights of Columbus or something like that maybe. I am not athletic so a service and social group fits better than a sports team.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Local friends, it’s a real PITA trying to set up a time when both are free. Might get better when kids go to college. Been doing some activity based meetups but that’s not much more of a friendship than chatting to other dads at my kids games.

I dream of pickleball when I have free evenings or weekends in a decade.

[Anonymous]

I’m definitely in a situation similar to many DH, where my friend group went out away once I had had kids. We moved to the suburbs and a new city. When we know no one, I have no idea how to make friends that are really meaningful because it takes a lot of proximity and time, just idle time to build that rapport.

My work draws people from all over the DMV, so no one lives within an hour of where I live, and actually none of my coworkers have kids either so it really is kind of a mismatch and phase of life

The author of this article talks about how we reconnect with his college roommate and older friends, but does not really address how to make friends if you’re someplace where your old friends are not nearby?

Has anyone had any success improving their friendship a lot when they live in a place where they do not have any old friends and they have to start fresh at middle age as a dad?

[Anonymous]

If we could go back to families hanging out together this might not be an issue The generations before us got this right. BUt we;ve become insular and wonder why we don't have adult relationships.
If getting together for dinner or to watch the game is too much.

If the idea having the kids running around and not curating every moment is too much.
If your kids each have 5 activities, you're out of luck
If you can't ever have a babysitter you're out of luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Local friends, it’s a real PITA trying to set up a time when both are free. Might get better when kids go to college. Been doing some activity based meetups but that’s not much more of a friendship than chatting to other dads at my kids games.

I dream of pickleball when I have free evenings or weekends in a decade.

Not sure of your age and your kids' ages but I'm 46 and so is my husband, our kids are tweens - we all play pickleball together with other families so some games are competitive with all adults, some are fun with a mix of adults and kids, and sometimes whole families play together. We have three families who participate in full, one where the dad and daughter play but the mom doesn't do to a current injury, and another one where the mom is also injured and the kids are younger so only the dad plays. Not everyone comes every day, so it's a mix of whoever is available. It'll be harder during the school year once sports pick up again (they start next week), but basically it's a standing game every night and whoever can come shows up. Maybe if you reached out to a bunch of people you could start something like that and attend when you can? I guess it helps that my husband and I are big proponents in helping each other do activities, so even if I wasn't going I would support him going.

[Anonymous]

I’m a divorced (dating) middle aged women, so I encounter a lot of middle aged fathers. It’s a green flag when they have friends (makes them happier and less clingy). I always ask about their friends - it makes good conversation.

Here’s what I notice. The common theme is that ones that have local friends are willing to put themselves out there - to reach out and TRY (which my ex was not, although I begged him to). They have friends from when their kids were little because they invited the other sideline dads for a bbq or a beer, even though they might get told no a few times or end up having a couple beers with guys that turn out not to be friend material. They try out different sports leagues or find pickup games (my gym has an open basketball court - there are always middle aged guys shooting around). They join meetups. They bring their few friends together with their friends other friends.

Bottom line is it takes a lot more work when you’re not in college or at local bars in your 20s. When I was married I suggested my ex find a basketball game and committed to giving him that weeknight out every week. He said no. He is lonely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely in a situation similar to many DH, where my friend group went out away once I had had kids. We moved to the suburbs and a new city. When we know no one, I have no idea how to make friends that are really meaningful because it takes a lot of proximity and time, just idle time to build that rapport.

My work draws people from all over the DMV, so no one lives within an hour of where I live, and actually none of my coworkers have kids either so it really is kind of a mismatch and phase of life

The author of this article talks about how we reconnect with his college roommate and older friends, but does not really address how to make friends if you’re someplace where your old friends are not nearby?

Has anyone had any success improving their friendship a lot when they live in a place where they do not have any old friends and they have to start fresh at middle age as a dad?

My husband had friends in high school (really from K on), some of whom went to college with him. He then made friends in college, who ended up in the DC area after college so they stayed friends. Then he made some work friends up there.

We moved about 4 hours away from DC 6 years ago and had zero friends in the new town. We both work, so we met people that way (neither of us knew anyone in the new offices before moving here), but no deep friendships or anyone we spend time with outside of work.

For us, the neighborhood we moved into has been key. There are a ton of families with kids 4 years younger to 4 years older than ours (and some others with even older and younger kids but most of our friends have kids closer in age to ours) and they happen to be amazing people. I have a best friend of over three decades who doesn't live near me but I remain close to, and three best friends from college who live all over but I see 3-4 times a year, but I've made some best friends in this neighborhood who I get to see all the time and it has been wonderful. The guys my husband is now close with are great husbands, great dad, and all around great guys. We couldn't have been any luckier moving near them.

I suppose it's possible that our neighborhood is one in a million, but I will say that the other parents we have met from our kids' school who don't live in our neighborhood (they go to a private school so the families are all over this area) have also been great and I genuinely enjoy spending time with them. It's harder to do that since they don't live close so there aren't many impromptu get togethers, but I feel like I'm surrounded by great people with similar values who will hopefully be lifelong friends. So I guess all I can suggest is to work on spending time with people until you find the ones you really like. Maybe plan a playdate/activity for the kids and dads, plan an outing for the dads, or plan a party for the adults. I feel like I sussed out pretty quickly who I liked and wanted to spend more time with and then I nurtured those relationships. I know it's hard because I never feel like I have enough hours in the day with work and life but I've never regretted the time I've spent getting to know people. It does take work though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If we could go back to families hanging out together this might not be an issue The generations before us got this right. BUt we;ve become insular and wonder why we don't have adult relationships.
If getting together for dinner or to watch the game is too much.

If the idea having the kids running around and not curating every moment is too much.
If your kids each have 5 activities, you're out of luck
If you can't ever have a babysitter you're out of luck

Does everyone you know say this? I find that to be incredible. Not that I think you're lying, just shocked that people don't make more of an effort to be social. And I'm an introvert, by the way, but we do dinners with friends, watch games together, etc. quite a bit. Maybe start with one of your kid's classes and issue a big invitation and see who shows up? You may end up with some duds and have to cull the invitations over time but at some point hopefully you'll find people who want to spend time together. I know kids are busy, mine both play a super demanding sport, but there is SOME time in each week, so try to find the people who are willing to spend it doing something fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we could go back to families hanging out together this might not be an issue The generations before us got this right. BUt we;ve become insular and wonder why we don't have adult relationships.
If getting together for dinner or to watch the game is too much.

If the idea having the kids running around and not curating every moment is too much.
If your kids each have 5 activities, you're out of luck
If you can't ever have a babysitter you're out of luck

Does everyone you know say this? I find that to be incredible. Not that I think you're lying, just shocked that people don't make more of an effort to be social. And I'm an introvert, by the way, but we do dinners with friends, watch games together, etc. quite a bit. Maybe start with one of your kid's classes and issue a big invitation and see who shows up? You may end up with some duds and have to cull the invitations over time but at some point hopefully you'll find people who want to spend time together. I know kids are busy, mine both play a super demanding sport, but there is SOME time in each week, so try to find the people who are willing to spend it doing something fun.

DP you can make all the effort you want but other people have to make the effort to be available, and all too often they're just not. I get it, they are busy, I'm busy too, everybody's busy. But after enough responses of "yeah I think I can maybe do something on Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours a month from now" you kinda give up on that guy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we could go back to families hanging out together this might not be an issue The generations before us got this right. BUt we;ve become insular and wonder why we don't have adult relationships.
If getting together for dinner or to watch the game is too much.

If the idea having the kids running around and not curating every moment is too much.
If your kids each have 5 activities, you're out of luck
If you can't ever have a babysitter you're out of luck

Does everyone you know say this? I find that to be incredible. Not that I think you're lying, just shocked that people don't make more of an effort to be social. And I'm an introvert, by the way, but we do dinners with friends, watch games together, etc. quite a bit. Maybe start with one of your kid's classes and issue a big invitation and see who shows up? You may end up with some duds and have to cull the invitations over time but at some point hopefully you'll find people who want to spend time together. I know kids are busy, mine both play a super demanding sport, but there is SOME time in each week, so try to find the people who are willing to spend it doing something fun.

DP you can make all the effort you want but other people have to make the effort to be available, and all too often they're just not. I get it, they are busy, I'm busy too, everybody's busy. But after enough responses of "yeah I think I can maybe do something on Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours a month from now" you kinda give up on that guy.

I'm the PP and I understand it can be difficult to schedule stuff but what about saying hey let's do a BBQ for Labor Day - no one would come to that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If we could go back to families hanging out together this might not be an issue The generations before us got this right. BUt we;ve become insular and wonder why we don't have adult relationships.
If getting together for dinner or to watch the game is too much.

If the idea having the kids running around and not curating every moment is too much.
If your kids each have 5 activities, you're out of luck
If you can't ever have a babysitter you're out of luck

Does everyone you know say this? I find that to be incredible. Not that I think you're lying, just shocked that people don't make more of an effort to be social. And I'm an introvert, by the way, but we do dinners with friends, watch games together, etc. quite a bit. Maybe start with one of your kid's classes and issue a big invitation and see who shows up? You may end up with some duds and have to cull the invitations over time but at some point hopefully you'll find people who want to spend time together. I know kids are busy, mine both play a super demanding sport, but there is SOME time in each week, so try to find the people who are willing to spend it doing something fun.

DP you can make all the effort you want but other people have to make the effort to be available, and all too often they're just not. I get it, they are busy, I'm busy too, everybody's busy. But after enough responses of "yeah I think I can maybe do something on Sunday afternoon for a couple of hours a month from now" you kinda give up on that guy.

I'm the PP and I understand it can be difficult to schedule stuff but what about saying hey let's do a BBQ for Labor Day - no one would come to that?

You aren’t making real friends in these monthly family dinners - you are better acquaintances and that’s fine, but it takes hours of more idle conversational time to make a real friend.

https://news.ku.edu/news/article/2018/03/06/study-reveals-number-hours-it-takes-make-friend

Time spent playing sports or cooking together is pleasant and helps build rapport but it’s not going to cut it. You need a weekly meetup with some open endless to it, to foster it.

We found when we invited people it was kind of awful in our small old house, and we spent the whole time prepping food and cleaning and not even conversing with anyone. When you are in t your 20s you headed to a coffee shop or restaurant and just hang out there, but for a family that is $$$ and hard with such large groups.

We need a third place for families that won’t break the bank…