Assumed we’d host again…

[Anonymous]

DH and I have agreed to host Thanksgiving and/or Christmas and/or Easter for his family for the last few years due to a series of circumstances such as ILs health issues and BIL/SIL building a house, which is now finished.

We all live in a 2-hour radius, with BIL/SIL in the middle. Everyone drives and is now in good health.

We just finished up a beach house vacation and BIL says, “See you at Thanksgiving,” and I’m genuinely like, oh who is hosting. And he laughs and goes, “you are.”

So now, not joking, DH is like, “no, we’re not, at least not without discussion.” It turned into a berry awkward moment as all adults were standing there.

And then MIL goes, “OP, DH, I think everyone assumed you were hosting, like always.” There is no “always,” people used to rotate until circumstances dictated us hosting repeatedly.

So trying to diffuse, I said, “Well, we can discuss it later.” But it ended on a weird note. DH and I discussed in the car and there is no way we are hosting yet again when everyone is now healthy and has a big house. How to move forward?

[Anonymous]

You tell them you’re not hosting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have agreed to host Thanksgiving and/or Christmas and/or Easter for his family for the last few years due to a series of circumstances such as ILs health issues and BIL/SIL building a house, which is now finished.

We all live in a 2-hour radius, with BIL/SIL in the middle. Everyone drives and is now in good health.

We just finished up a beach house vacation and BIL says, “See you at Thanksgiving,” and I’m genuinely like, oh who is hosting. And he laughs and goes, “you are.”

So now, not joking, DH is like, “no, we’re not, at least not without discussion.” It turned into a berry awkward moment as all adults were standing there.

And then MIL goes, “OP, DH, I think everyone assumed you were hosting, like always.” There is no “always,” people used to rotate until circumstances dictated us hosting repeatedly.

So trying to diffuse, I said, “Well, we can discuss it later.” But it ended on a weird note. DH and I discussed in the car and there is no way we are hosting yet again when everyone is now healthy and has a big house. How to move forward?

The good news here is that you and your husband are already on the same page.

He just needs to communicate to his family what you have written above. As a way to soften the blow you can offer to go back in rotation next year if you think that will help.

[Anonymous]

If you’ve done it the last few years, it’s a pretty reasonable assumption for them to make.

If you don’t really want to host, then don’t, but it would seem perhaps reasonable for you to do Thanksgiving and someone else do Christmas and Easter.

[Anonymous]

So you’re adding one if them wants to host?

Clearly none of you want to host. No one shoujd be forced. So go out to dinner instead. It’s not the same but it’s what I would suggest given the situation.

[Anonymous]

“Assuming” above

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So you’re adding one if them wants to host?

Clearly none of you want to host. No one shoujd be forced. So go out to dinner instead. It’s not the same but it’s what I would suggest given the situation.

OP here. I didn’t assume anything. It has always been a discussion. I would never presume anyone wants to host, which is why I don’t go around declaring that I will see someone at a holiday at their home. So I was taken aback, especially considering BIL’a reason for not hosting is no longer relevant; the new house is finished.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t the hill to die on, host this year and tell them someone else can do it next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re adding one if them wants to host?

Clearly none of you want to host. No one shoujd be forced. So go out to dinner instead. It’s not the same but it’s what I would suggest given the situation.

OP here. I didn’t assume anything. It has always been a discussion. I would never presume anyone wants to host, which is why I don’t go around declaring that I will see someone at a holiday at their home. So I was taken aback, especially considering BIL’a reason for not hosting is no longer relevant; the new house is finished.

This seems like a weird thing to be “taken aback” by. If you’d rather not host Thanksgiving, have that conversation. But if you’ve done it for a few years, it’s not that weird for them to assume you’re doing it this year. Some people like hosting Thanksgiving, they may have incorrectly assumed you were one of them.

[Anonymous]

Just be cool and don't make a huge deal. Have DH text that BIL brought up a good point, it's time to set the rotation for this year, you were actually hoping to do Christmas instead, but you can do Thanksgiving if no one else wants that one, and then in 2026, you'll take Easter, or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re adding one if them wants to host?

Clearly none of you want to host. No one shoujd be forced. So go out to dinner instead. It’s not the same but it’s what I would suggest given the situation.

OP here. I didn’t assume anything. It has always been a discussion. I would never presume anyone wants to host, which is why I don’t go around declaring that I will see someone at a holiday at their home. So I was taken aback, especially considering BIL’a reason for not hosting is no longer relevant; the new house is finished.

This seems like a weird thing to be “taken aback” by. If you’d rather not host Thanksgiving, have that conversation. But if you’ve done it for a few years, it’s not that weird for them to assume you’re doing it this year. Some people like hosting Thanksgiving, they may have incorrectly assumed you were one of them.

Yeah, just send out a message to the other adults saying beach was fun, good to see everyone, want to give a heads up that we can't host Thanksgiving but willing to travel if someone else is up for it this year. Oh and here are some photos from the beach!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be cool and don't make a huge deal. Have DH text that BIL brought up a good point, it's time to set the rotation for this year, you were actually hoping to do Christmas instead, but you can do Thanksgiving if no one else wants that one, and then in 2026, you'll take Easter, or whatever.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

Just plan a trip for out of town.

[Anonymous]

Go out to eat! That’s what we do, these days. So easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t the hill to die on, host this year and tell them someone else can do it next year.

OP here. We are not hosting this year. If someone wants to host or suggest that we meet up at a restaurant or something, great. We are the only adults in the equation who have kids, so we’re not doing yet another heavy lift.