Not ready for my mom to move onto our street

[Anonymous]

My mom, who normally lives about 6 hours away, just found a house to rent right on our street. She has COPD and it's very mild, she walks 2 miles a day and doesn't get short of breath, but she's convinced due to her health anxiety and Dr. Google that she has only 5 years left to live and wants to spend her "last good years" near us. I can't convince her that she can live well for many years with mild COPD (she's only 70 and otherwise in very good shape). My dad doesn't want to move, so my mom is planning to split her time between houses, but live near us most of the time. (My parents have a great marriage - she's not trying to escape, they're just very independent from each other and always have been, it works for them.)

For context, my mom has had anxiety her whole life. We have a close relationship and she's very good-hearted but she's not the easiest person to be around. She has a lot of health anxiety (about herself, me and my kids), she's quite negative (for example, always assumes the worst in any situation - like assuming everyone is trying to rip her off), she's very nosy and can be judgmental. It makes our house more stressful when she's here. My husband and I never snip at each other except for when my mom's visiting... not about anything specific, she just raises the general stress level of the house.

Up until now we've visited each other often, usually a week at a time, every month and a half or so. But I'm her only child and since the grandkids have been born it's clear she wants to be around more. (For ex, when we found out we were pregnant with our first, we were living in a 1-bd apt and quickly found a 2 bdrm instead. I thought the reason we needed a 2 bdrm was obvious until we mentioned the nursery and my mom was confused bc she assumed the 2nd room was for her.)

We're the only people my mom knows here, except for my in-laws, and I know she's expecting to be at our house every day and have dinner with us nightly. I thought we had years left before we had to make this life change, as she's fairly young and still in mostly good shape health-wise. She's leaving my dad alone and I'm concerned about him getting lonely, she's leaving her life with her friends, interests and hobbies. I'm worried for my own sanity and my marriage, as I know we're going to be more stressed out with her here. I have no idea how to communicate any of this to her without her being very hurt and causing a rift in the relationship. How do I express any of this to her?

[Anonymous]

You get some therapy for figuring out how not be so far deep in each other's business, that you don't know where your concerns end and hers begin. Boundaries, limits, learn where yours are and learn to accept that it's emotional manipulation to worry what her reaction will be.

[Anonymous]

“ She thought the second bedroom was for her.” Oh my, you better have a come to Jesus discussion before she signs the lease. Hoping you work outside of the house.

[Anonymous]

Time to have a Convo with your mother on realistic boundaries when it comes to visits at your home. Also, loop your spouse in on that. so you're both on the same page.

I'd MYOB on what the move will do to your parents relationship though - that's for them to work out -- less you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You get some therapy for figuring out how not be so far deep in each other's business, that you don't know where your concerns end and hers begin. Boundaries, limits, learn where yours are and learn to accept that it's emotional manipulation to worry what her reaction will be.

+1

You have some real trouble. There is zero possibility that both of you will be ok with any decision. You have to choose your marriage. And you have to choose you and your family. The only way to tell her you don't want her there is directly. She sounds like an exaggerated version of my mom, who thinks the world revolves around her. She cannot (and doesn't want to) change. She won't get hints and might place the negativity upon your husband "Bill didn't want Jane to have me as a support for the baby". My mom does crap like that. I had to say "it's not Bill. It's me. I don't want you around because I don't like who I am around you because blah blah blah". It made her cry and she stopped talking to me for a while. Our relationship has never been the same, but it's better for everyone. Be glad you are an only child. My mom's favorite narcissistic tool is triangulation. And she applies it liberally.

[Anonymous]

The key here is Communication. You need to sit down with your husband and figure out what works for you all. Are you both okay with having your mom over for dinner 2-3 nights a week. Can she come have a Sunday morning brunch with you. How often do you want the kids to be spending time at her place. You need to figure out your boundaries and then, before she signs a lease, you need to sit down with her and have a kind discussion. Tell her you are thrilled she wants to be closer to your all for part of the year. But let her know that you already have an established routine with work, the kids, and activities and that while you adjust it when she visits for a week, you will not be able to do this when she is living down the street. Tell her that you would love to have her over for dinner 2-3 times a week. Pick specific days so there is no confusion. That you are happy to take her up all of the kids sporting events, school activities, I.e. but that your immediate family will also need time to bond together. The kids need structured homework time, activity time, I.e. let her know how happy you are that she wants to spend more time with you all but let her know that you have an established routine that works for your family and that you are happy to include her for (insert # of dinners). I know friends who have moved older parents into their homes, and those who go continue to have a great relationship with their parents, set clear expectations. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

She will be hurt. Not because you ar mean but because she has unrealistic expectations and built something up in her head that was not based on what could happen.
You have a calm conversation. One of many. Ask her what she envisions her daily life to be. And share what your daily life is like and will be. She will be upset and lay out guilt etc. Inwould als her what she thinks your dad will do when she's gone. And who is taking care of him. I think this will be so much worse for him if he is a typical older man. My FIL can't do anything without my MIL. He can't cook a meal, get his meds, do laundry. Anything.

[Anonymous]

The reason you and DH snip around her is that he’s frustrated you don’t have boundaries with her.

[Anonymous]

How often do you see the local in-laws? Maybe you could use that to propose a baseline

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will be hurt. Not because you ar mean but because she has unrealistic expectations and built something up in her head that was not based on what could happen.
You have a calm conversation. One of many. Ask her what she envisions her daily life to be. And share what your daily life is like and will be. She will be upset and lay out guilt etc. Inwould als her what she thinks your dad will do when she's gone. And who is taking care of him. I think this will be so much worse for him if he is a typical older man. My FIL can't do anything without my MIL. He can't cook a meal, get his meds, do laundry. Anything.

This. She will be hurt. You have to tell her anyway. It's her fault for being so unrealistic. You have to tell her very clearly what times you can spend with her, and then sit and watch her cry or freak out or yell or whatever, and do not give in. It is the only way. Just sit quietly, don't repeat yourself or try to console her.

Do not give her a key to your place. Do not help her move. You need to be realistic and clear in what your actions communicate because she will not listen to your words.

[Anonymous]

Her anxiety is entirely out of control, OP, as often happens with the elderly, and the problem is that she and everyone else around her has normalized and lived with it too long for her to do anything about it now.

Try to get her to break the lease. Tell her point blank that she's too stressful to be around, and that you won't be happy if she's so close to you all the time. It's far, far, better to have the big hurtful fight now, while she hasn't moved yet, than to have it afterward! I know, it's scary and you'll feel bad in the moment, but you can't let your mother ruin your marriage and stress you out in your neighborhood. You come first, not her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Her anxiety is entirely out of control, OP, as often happens with the elderly, and the problem is that she and everyone else around her has normalized and lived with it too long for her to do anything about it now.

Try to get her to break the lease. Tell her point blank that she's too stressful to be around, and that you won't be happy if she's so close to you all the time. It's far, far, better to have the big hurtful fight now, while she hasn't moved yet, than to have it afterward! I know, it's scary and you'll feel bad in the moment, but you can't let your mother ruin your marriage and stress you out in your neighborhood. You come first, not her.

Me again. It sounds like you were expecting her to move closer at some point, and unfortunately maybe you verbalized that. Don't leave that door open, OP. Tell her you meant a nursing home or senior living place, where she could have her own social anchor, not just plonking herself right next to you and expecting to graft herself to your life.